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MatchFlick Member Reviews
Bolero
1 review

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Movie Details

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Directed By
John Derek

Cast:
Bo Derek, George Kennedy, Andrea Occhipinti, Anna, Olivia DAb

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Bolero (1984)
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Movie Review by BillyBob
February 25th, 2010

LITTLE BO-PEEP COME BLOW MY HORN

Blonde. Buxom. Beautiful.

With such enticing qualities as these - Why, I ask, is actress BO DEREK such a frickin' bore to watch? Eh? Why?

Well, it could be 'cause our little BO-Peep here really ain't no actress at all. Nope. She sure ain't.

I mean, let's face it - BO DEREK is pure eye-candy, through and through. And as yummy as that eye-candy may be, it's absolutely hollow, with no creamy, cluster-filling inside to serve as some sort of desperately-needed substance.

Anyways -

In this adventure (?) into sexual tediousness (punctuated by long-long stretches of nothing in between the pivotal nude scenes) - BO DEREK plays Ayre, a virginal, young woman, in the 1920's, graduating from an exclusive British boarding school. And now with all that education in her pretty, little head, Ayre's sole purpose is to, of course, find herself that certain 'Mr. Right' for her very first, all-important sexual encounter.

(As I'm sure you can tell at this point, already - BOLERO is going to be one truly deep and emotional movie-experience like you've never, ever had before.)

Rich enough not to have any financial concerns, Ayre first heads to Morocco. Here she meets a wealthy Sheik (Dud #1) who is more than happy to deflower the fair, young Ayre. But before this Persian stud can 'get-it-up' to 'get-it-in' he (get this) actually falls asleep.

Yawn!

And as the excitement of BOLERO reaches a sexually-explosive climax (at full thrust and throttle, no less)...

Not being one who's easily discouraged when it comes to terminating her precious virginity, Ayre next travels to sunny Spain. Oleh!! It's here that the sweet, young (and still a virgin) Ayre meets Matador Angel (Dud #2). Surprisingly enough, Angel actually does manage to stay awake long enough to deflower Ayre, but shortly after this monumental event takes place, he is gored in a very 'sensitive area' while in the bullfight arena. Naturally, this leaves Angel out of commission for quite a spell, so round #2 in the sack must be postponed indefinitely.

(Ho-Hum!)

You know, had I not known any better, I would've almost thought that I was actually reviewing a frickin' Comedy here. But no, if you can believe it, when it comes to Sexual Drama, BOLERO is as dead serious about its subject matter as you can possibly get.

Sheesh! What a bloody demented fiasco this one turned out to be!

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