You May Not Kiss The Bride (2012)
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Dave Annable, Katharine McPhee, Rob Schneider, Mena Suvari, Kathy Bates, Ken Davitian, Tia Carrere, Kevin Dunn, Vinnie Jones, Stephen Tobolowsky, Jeannie Leigh Allison, Theo Coumbis, Al Harrington, Paul Edney, Celia Kenney, Stephen Meyers, Jordan Kirkwood
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It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Rom-Com
Favorite Movie Quote: "Who am I - Batman?!? I take pictures of dogs and cats dressed as pirates for a living!"
Bryan Lighthouse (Dave Annable) is a professional photographer - of people's pets, dressing them up in wacky costumes to their owner's delight. Tanya (Mena Suvari) is his daffy, oversexed, and slightly psychotic assistant, who, after one month of working for him, wants to move in with a very surprised Bryan, since he has shown no interest in her aside from being his assistant. After a disastrous turn with the cat of the wife of a Croatian mob boss (Ken Davitian), Bryan, is coerced into marrying his daughter in order for her to get a green card and become an American citizen. Coerced as in marry her or die - painfully. Turns out, the the mob boss' daughter is stunningly beautiful (Katharine McPhee), whom he is genuinely attracted to. But she has been promised to the very large, very angry, and very jealous associate of Vadik (Davitian), known as Brick (Vinny Jones - you may remember him as the Juggernaut from X-MEN 2). So after a very lavish wedding, which Tanya managed to crash, and under the very watchful eye of two INS agents (Kevin Dunn and Howard Bishop), the two head off to the most romantic place on Earth, Honolulu, the honeymoon capital of the world, where he cannot touch her, under penalty of being touched - in a different way - by the Croatian mob.
Got all that?
YOU MAY NOT KISS the BRIDE is a Rom-Com that feels more like a madcap comedy. You have your your Rom-Com formula of Boy-Meets-Girl, Boy-Loses-Girl, Boy-Wins-Girl, but throw in a gaggle of colorful characters and a convolutedly complicated plot, topping with a very funny performance (really - no lie!) by Adam Sandler regular Rob Schneider (You can do it!), who plays an island native, complete with an unrecognizable accent. Also along for the ride is Kathy Bates, who is Bryant's mother, desperate for grandchildren, with Bryan as her only hope. Suvari gives an over-the-top performance as the jilted girlfriend, desperate to get back the man - whom she never had in the first place. Tia Carrere plays an uncharacteristic "mom" role as a native waitress, whose innocent attempts to help Bryan woo his "wife" only complicate the situation, if that were even possible. And in the center of it all is Annable, who has to #1 "marry" Masha (McPhee) or die horribly, #2 avoid Tanya's advances, #3 convince the INS he is really in love with Masha, and #4 keep Brick from killing him at every turn.
What also made the movie, different from the standard formula Rom-Com was that it never really gets to the "things go horribly wrong" portion of the movie, so each "oh, no!" set-up was a hilarious surprise, and also the madcap comedy standard-issue chase scene.
My only gripe was that the bonding portion of the movie between Bryan and Masha came a little too quickly, but it can be forgiven because of all the other insanity that was squeezed into the movie.
On my personal rating scale of with "5" being drop everything and see the movie now; if you're female, bear the producers' children and "0" being burn down the theater, murder the movie staff, and violate their dog, this movie earns a "4." YOU MAY NOT KISS the BRIDE is a Rom-Com for guys, full of physical comedy, explosions, and gunplay, and for girls who like the nice guy to get the girl, complete with a very gooey Hollywood Ending. Let's just say everyone's dreams came true, which is no real spoiler for a Rom-Com.
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