Bikini Spring Break (2012)
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The First Boob-ploitation Film
Favorite Movie Quote: "Boo-bies! Boo-bies! Boo-bies! Boo-bies! Boo-bies!"
Five girls take a cross-country trip to Miami to compete in the finals. And the wackiness ensues.
Ladies and Gentlemen - this ain't Othello.
The Asylum has created a unique form of Entertainment - the Asylum Boobploitation film. Clocking in at exactly three seconds into the movie, we have a five-minute boobies montage, followed by a boobies exhibition on a stadium jumbotron, THEN the story starts. David Carradine (yeah - THAT David Carradine, Lewis Skolnick), who looks in a constant state of being hungover, is Gill, the coach of the losingest Marching Band in California, who through a bit of serendipity (anymore would be telling) make it to the Finals.
So five girls: Whitney (Samantha Stewart), the "Mom," Michelle (Erin O'Brien), the potty mouth, Franny (Jamie Noel), the germaphobe, Alice (Rachel Alig), the eternal optimist (translation: ditz), and Zoe (Virginia Petrucci), the good girl/screwup, head out on what they term "the short bus" with all the band's instruments and take a 3,000 mile trek to Miami - in two days (which is possible, if you drive 65 miles per hour straight through nonstop). Of course, their "short bus" breaks down, in Fort Lauderdale, a town run by two post-college throwbacks, Zach (Tristan Ott) and Vance (Andrew Clements). What follows in this one-horse town is everything - and I mean everything - you would expect from a Spring Break, or what you would have liked your Spring Break to have been: wet t-shirt contest, jello wrestling, drinking, mechanical bulls, and boobies, boobies, boobies. As the BLUES BROTHERS set the Guinness Book of World Records for Most Cars Trashed in a Single movie, BIKINI SPRING BREAK must now hold the Guinness Book for Most Boobies in a Single Film. That record is not set by the mere five leads. Oh. no, movie viewers - nearly FIFTY sets of boobies adorn this film. One of the few non-exposed boobies actresses (well, the ONLY non-exposed boobies actress) was Erica Duke, who plays the Town Prude, Constance (and if you've been following this review, no spoilers are needed for her fate).
BIKINI SPRING BREAK is mindless, harmless bubble gum for the eyes. It has some pretty clever dialogue, and the girls main characters do give an over-the-top (and sometimes topless) performance. The only people this movie would be offensive to would be people who are offended by boobies. And if you're watching this expecting anything else - you never saw a single trailer for this movie!
On my personal rating scale of with "5" being drop everything and see the movie now; if you're female, bear the producers' children and "0" being burn down the theater, murder the movie staff, and violate their dog, this movie earns a titillating "3.5." There are three things the Asylum does very well: Dragons, Zombies, and raunchy sex comedies. Although technically, BIKINI SPRING BREAK cannot be called a raunchy sex comedy, because for all the beauteous bounty of bouncing boobies, the movie was 100% sex-free. barely a kiss, no sexual contact, not even full frontal nudity. Some coarse language is as far as it gets on the Offensive Factor. BIKINI SPRING BREAK takes the raunchy sex comedy, and elevates it to late-night cable status. If there was any incentive for introducing 3D into comedies, this would be the movie. As mentioned previously, this movie ain't Othello, but what it is can be loosely termed as wholesome entertainment, given the new FCC standards. Who knows, with some careful editing, BIKINI SPRING BREAK could possibly end up on Comedy Central.
And maybe they may keep a few boobies there.
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