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4 reviews

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Movie Details

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Directed By
Peter Berg

Written By:
Erich Hoeber, Jon Hoeber

Alexander Skarsgård, Taylor Kitsch, Rihanna, Jesse Plemons, Tom Arnold, Tadanobu Asano, Hamish Linklater, Brooklyn Decker, Lil Mirkk, Brooklyn Decker

Battleship (2012)
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Movie Review by Filmkiller
April 2nd, 2013

Big & Dumb

Favorite Movie Quote: "I need to borrow your boat."

I grabbed my acidic wit along with a bucket of popcorn and settled in to tear Battleship a prolific new poop chute. Writing reviews of terrible movies is always lots of fun, challenging myself to come up with more outrageous metaphors, analogies, and similes or taking a line of dialog from the film and using it to sum up my feelings, like Alien Resurrection's "please kill me" line.

Sadly, Battleship is entertaining, and much to my chagrin, while it is a big dumb action movie, it's not nearly as dumb as any of the three metallic fishes in the Transformers toilet bowl, nor as big as the ego of those who've seen fit to paint it as anywhere near the worst film of 2012.

We sent of signal into space - consider this the galactic equivalent of wearing a short skirt with no panties to a frat party - and quickly enough some aliens decide to come hither. Instead of the traditional galactic overkill, these aliens send an advanced team to scope out where all the best beaches are and relay that info back to the motherland. Unfortunately for ET, they break their communications gear upon arrival. Plan B involves using our gear we used to send the signal in the first place. The indigenous obstacle for the aliens? Lieutenant Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) and a few naval vessels, part of joint US-Japan wargames, that get separated from the heard.

Now, as a big dumb action movie, Battleship has plenty that's big and dumb, and there's certainly a lot of manipulations of convenience the flick does to get it's scenario where and how it wants it. If you need all your action schlock to be scientifically sound (I suspect it wouldn't be schlock at that point) you will sit cross-armed through the running time of Battleship pouting about why the ships hop around and trying to stave off hurtful memories of Taylor Kitsch f*cking the girl you made all those mix tapes for in high school. This is a rah, rah "don't you f*ck with the human race!" big, dumb actioner. Think Independence Day or the good parts of Transformers. The 'splosions are fun - you can actually see what's going on - and I'm rooting for Kitsch get the chicken burrito, get his sh*t together, win the approval of Liam Neeson, live happily ever after with Brooklyn Decker, and win his self respect.

Amongst the criticisms I ended up giving little to no sh!ts about were the actions of the aliens. While the movie never explained it, I perceived the aliens as being truly alien; they seemed confused as to what was actually a threat to them, seemed to view organics as less threatening than the machinery itself, and certainly lacked the bloodthirstiness of former movie invaders. Was it puzzling to me? Sure, but it was also fairly consistent within its own premise.

I never checked my watch, I cheered when the Missouri went toe to toe with the alien ship, and I cared about the main character. Will it ever make any best of lists? No, but it shouldn't be making any worst of lists either. Far superior to Michael Bay's Turdformer Poopology.

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