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7 reviews

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Movie Details

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Directed By
Roland Emmerich

Written By:
Roland Emmerich, Harald Kloser

John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Woody Harrelson, Thandie Newton, Danny Glover, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Oliver Platt, Morgan Lily, George Segal, John Billingsley, Thomas McCarthy, Patrick Bauchau, Jimi Mistry, Liam James, Johann Urb, Beatrice Rosen, Agam Darshi, Patrick Gilmore, Chin Han, Alexandra Castillo, Eve Harlow, Anna Mae Routledge, David Richmond-Peck, Marco Khan, Blu Mankuma, Alex Zahara, Lisa Lu, Henry O, Chang Tseng, Ryan McDonald, Ron Selmour, Zlatko Buric, Geoff Gustafson, Brandon Haas, Parm Soor, Sean Tyson, Rick Tae, Eddie L. Fauria, Ayana Haviv, Scott E. Miller, Anthony Bonaventura, Ryan Cook, Lea Deesing, Ric Govea, Karin Konoval, Jonathan Lane, Tom MacNeill, Jill Morrison, Andrew Moxham, Jessica Provencher, Larry Purtell, Dean Redman, Charlie Robson, Richard Schimmelpfenneg, Eric Shackelford, Robyn Jean Springer, Craig Stanghetta, Ian Thompson, Jody Thompson, Frank C. Turner, Jacob Blair, Raj Lal, Peter Arpesella, Eddie Hassell, Joshua Salvati, Michael Karl Richards, Tj Austin, Joshua Salvati, Osric Chau, Alexandre Haussmann, Jerome Young, Gordon Lai, Philippe Haussmann, Luis Javier, Abigail Delves, Sahar Biniaz, Norman Deesing, Jason Diablo, Mary Gillis, Jacob Goodall, Daren A. Herbert, Erik Kowalski, James O'Neill, Patricia Shih, Dale Tarrant, Kinua McWatt, Yuel Yawney

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2012 (2009)
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Movie Review by Filmkiller
June 3rd, 2010

Sailing, Failing

Favorite Movie Quote: "Hey, Starvin' Marvin', you seem to have plenty of food. Why don't you share some?"

This film is overflowing with suck.

For one thing, Director Roland Emmerich already made this movie, didn't he? It was called Independence Day, and the Earth was uniting against alien invaders, thus it was far more interesting, but all the same beats and characters are in the same plucking places. You have the noble President (Danny Glover, on Prozac), the dog (eye-roll), the broken marriage, the annoying little kids, and the caricature fat white bureaucrat (Oliver Platt) who keeps pointing out the ugly things that probably need to be done, but makes sure that he does so is such a fashion that no one in their right mind could possible side with him.

"The Chinese Government agrees to open the gate." That'll be the day.

Of course, there are the requite 'splosions - I swear to Odin, if one more plane just barely made it off another runway I was going to put Emmerich on the list - as the Earth flings off the surface nuisance of humanity. Quite frankly, I'm numb to this crap, could not care less. Wow. It's. So. Amaze. Ing. Aren't you? Haven't you seen enough different ways of sh*t blowing up? Haven't you at least seen THIS way of blowing up sh*t? Do they even need to people it with characters at all?

I mean, the main characters are so unoriginal and acted with such a lack of verve that the sequence of coincidences that gets them from California to China amidst the chaos of the end of the world - which of course ultimately works in their favor - becomes less a story and more like Jurassic Park the Ride, jostling you down the rails.

The only thing that makes rooting through this garbage worthwhile is Chiwetel Ejiofor. Like watching a master golfer dig one out of the rough and at least get it back on the fairway, I attribute any cares I had at any time to him (sans the film-ending pontification, but that's not his fault).

The thing that continues to baffle me about these big-budget Hollywood films (and I am a fan of big-budget films when they're done well) is that the script theoretically should be the cheapest part of the process. It does, however, take a measure of patience, on the part of the studio if the script isn't ready to go, and trust that the audience doesn't need a massive uber-explosion every five minutes. But, then again, I've heard more than one occasion where filmmakers barreled into production without the script nailed down (Lord of the Rings, Million Dollar Baby) and things turned out very well. So maybe it's just a case of talent.

As for my favorite quote, if you follow the movie from start to absolute finish, essentially what happens is wealthy white folks survived the end of the world so they could f*ck over the Africans.

I don't need the Aztecs to predict that.

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Jun 4, 2010 8:25 AM
also wrote a review of 2012
Like what you said about all the planes just making it of of runways hahaha. Yes this movie sucks, and this review sums it up in one. I like reading reviews of a film someone hates. They tend to be funnier than when someones writing about a film they liked. This one made me laugh.

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