G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra (2009)
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Stuart Beattie, David Elliot, Paul Lovett, Michael Gordon, Stuart Beattie, Stephen Sommers
Dennis Quaid, Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Sienna Miller, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Christopher Eccleston, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Rachel Nichols, Ray Park, Jonathan Pryce, Arnold Vosloo, Byung-hun Lee, Brittany Alexis Palmer, Ron Yuan, Brandon Soo Hoo, Courtney Fleming, Jabbaar George, Gerald Okamura, Michael Benyaer, David Jean Thomas, David Murray, Bob Rumnock, Frederic Doss, Jerald Garner, Burton Perez, Ken Thomas, Ryan Van de Kamp Buchanan, Michael Bretten, Chris Akers, Brad Carr, Jason Castle, Joe Davis, Brendan Fraser, Charles Howerton, Zaayan Lala, Jeff Lam, Wayne Lopez, P. David Miller, Lili Mirojnick, Ken Moreno, Westley Nguyen, Tom Ohmer, Lalo Reyes, Jason Roehm, Gubbi Sigurdsson, Sean Velie, Kaleti Williams, Brianna Womick, Leo Howard, Joe Guth, Shannah Barrett, Gunner Wright, Duncan Bravo, Saïd Taghmaoui, Karolina Kurkova, Elena Evangelo, Luke Massy, Kellie Matteson, Michael Broderick, Wesley Busser, Hugh Daly, Vincent Defebo, Michael Foster, Mark Hames, Victor Harris, Daniel Josev, Mary Kircher, Renzo Lewis Jr., Melissa S. Markess, Dan Martino, Markell Pool, Sean Richter, Mary Scanlon, Bryan Soto, Joe Chacon, Ken Edling
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Setting the Bar Low is Half the Battle
So, the way I generally do this is to review a film right after I've seen it. If I do the review later, even if it sucks, I try to make a point to watch it again, at least to lock in on the crap. In this case though, I'm going off memory, because though there are parts of GI Joe that make it watchable, there's not nearly enough to make it REwatchable. Intellectually, this could've been rated IQ-75.
I usually do a plot summary here, but I don't really remember it. I checked it out on wikipedia and now I know why I didn't remember - it was predictable and silly. I do remember that in an effort to cash in international box office reciepts the Joes were made an international team and the Eiffel Tower was destroyed (again), which I'm sure the French appreciate.
Director Stephen Sommers, whose movies' signature is gawd-awful acting regardless of the cast and over-blown to occassionally spectactular but always meaningless action (The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, Van Helsing), delivers once again. GI Joe's solitary moment of not sucking is a high-energy martial arts brawl between childhood avatars Snake-eyes (Leo Howard) and Storm Shadow (Brandon Soo Hoo). The rest of the film is different turns of the '80's cartoon (which is a tragic idea) mixed with thudding emotional or plot point failures since the filmmakers don't fathom the connection bewixt reality and the audience giving a crap. We just saw Snails from Dungeons and Dragons run in a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot suit through the city to stop the evil green scrubbing bubbles from eating the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, that whole thing that happened to Joseph Gordon-Levitt is sad... BWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, sorry.
I also love the modern expression of movie-love:
"Scarlet, you're so hot."
"You know, Mr. Cord-"
"Call me Rip."
"-Rip, the way you say I'm hot, makes me realize how much you see how hot I am."
Duke: "Didn't you guys just meet, like, five minutes ago?"
The acting is piss poor, but to be fair the only way Dennis Quaid - or anyone - could deliver the line, "and knowing is half the battle," without laughing, was liberal botox carpet bombing of the face. I'm guessing Christopher Eccleston had an iron-clad deal that they deform his character so he not have to return for the stinquel. Isn't it great to have girls in action movies? Sure, but wouldn't they at least be rocking a pony? How the f*ck can you fight with all that hair in your face? Not much of a fighter if your nemesis turns out to be a hair-puller.
Could this movie have been worse? Yes. Congratulations on setting the bar low enough a nano-mite could jump over it when they make the sequel.
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