The Bride of Frank Review by Zombie Boy (3 Stars)

The Bride of Frank Review by Zombie Boy (3 Stars) | MatchFlick

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Starring:
Steve Ballot, Morgan Tara, Frank Meyer, Johnny Horizon, Victor Delvalle, Bruce Frankel, Rena Ballot, Eric Kaplan, Eddie Regan, Bernard Briley, Sergio Lopez, Charles Gambino, Jim Moresca, Arnell Dowret, Sal Mogavero

Directed By:
Steve Ballot

Written By:
Steve Ballot, Allan Galperin

The Bride of Frank (1996)

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Movie Review by Zombie Boy
February 1st, 2008

I am caught between giving this film a five for sheer audacity, and giving it a negative five for being inexorably repulsive. If you can make it through the opening scene of this atrocity, you are all set to fight in any war.

Frank is a bum. He is given pity by a local trucking company, and allowed to be "night watchman." Basically, he cleans the place up, and sometimes goes on runs with his beat friend, Johnny Horizon, who is a foul-mouth misanthrope.

One day, Frank decides he needs t*ts. Johnny decides to help Frank get t*ts. So with the help of the boss, they write and place Frank a personal ad in the paper. Except Frank doesn't really like it when the women get lippy with him for being a dirty, gross, old bum, which he is, so he has to violently kill them in bizarre manners. But don't worry: this isn't a sexist film. Frank kills dudes, too. As evidenced by the severed penis in his mouth on the cover art.

This film appears to be populated by regular people (and I use the term regular loosely), and I doubt much acting was required of them. In fact, the only person in the film who seems to have ever done anything else is one chick who was also in a porno.

I cannot fathom, for the life of me, how the director convinced anyone to do any of the things that they did in this movie, so he gets full marks for chutzpah.

All in all, the film is surprisingly well done for what it is. It never drags, it is edited well and the sound design is solid, it is well lit and well shot. Of course, what is on the screen is utterly reprehensible. I mean, I am dead-serious when I say that unless you have a strong stomach, you really, really shouldn't ever watch this. In fact, the only people who should ever watch this are people like me, who just need to say that they did it.

Or you could buy it as a present for someone you hate.

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