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Read the Review to Understand the Star Rating This movie left me completely dumbfounded with how to rate it with stars. I am willing to put it right there in the same category as PHENOMENA, a movie that is soooooo f*cking bad that I love it completely. While I don't think that I could bring myself to say that this was PHENOMENA status, I can say that I had more laughs while watching this movie than I did when I went to go see THE SIMPSONS MOVIE. Here are just a few of the plot points that I found HIGH-larious: * "I just hope this investigation doesn't cut into Bingo night" What the f*ck point that comment was towards the beginning of the movie when they were trying to figure out who was mutilating women, cutting off their arms and legs, I don't know. If it was meant to be a joke, it's not said in that manner. If it was meant to be serious, then WHAT THE F*CK?? The guy might as well have started quacking like a duck after he said it. (Just for you, Paul.) * The bloody finger with the complete lack of regard for the fact that shock should have set in. This part bugged my sister more than me first. Then it reminded me of Eli Roth's crappy movie HOSTEL (one of those bad in a bad way movies) and how Jay Hernandez is able to make a trip on a train for literally hours with 3 fingers missing and not only refrain from going into shock but have the power within him to kill a man after getting off the train. In this movie, we get to see Lindsay pout and ask the guy on the bus (and she's smoking on the bus- natch!) why he doesn't ask about her hand, only to hear the next monumental line: "Sometimes people just get cut." (Or something asinine to that general effect.) * The strip club with the nudity of everyone BUT Lindsay. I've heard that a lot of horny dudes wanted to go see this movie to watch Linds be a stripper. I'd like to warn you all and let you know that you'll see more of her in a copy of US Weekly when they talk about how she doesn't wear underwear. In a strip club where all the other strippers have their t*ts hanging out, Lindsay is sans nudity. But she writhes around on the floor and bats her heavily made up eyes. And the camera gets in close for some camel toe shots. Whoopie! * The f*cking of the boyfriend. Since she keeps insisting that she's not the girl that everyone thinks she is, she decides to f*ck the girl's boyfriend to see if he'll notice the difference. The mom sits downstairs and furiously cleans while listening to their noise. Then she asks if he notices a difference or cares. Um... how about NO? This was just another brilliant bit of stupidity. * The only child of two working parents... who are always home. Gotta love how this always happens in movies like this. The parents are workaholics who can't remember what their daughter was wearing when she left the house, making enough money and being important to have all the money that they do and yet they're always home whenever their roles call for it. This isn't just a problem with this movie, this is a typical problem in most movies. (Also think DISTURBIA with the mom who's not only always around but also appears to be completely emotionally OK with her husband's horrific death only a year previous.) * The piano teacher is the killer. Sorry if this ruins it for anyone. But frankly... why the f*ck was he the killer? What was the point, the purpose, the motivation? He wanted them to continue to be good musicians... so he'll mutilate and murder them? And what was his obsession with all of the prosthetic legs hanging in the basement? I know it doesn't really matter, stuff like this is so inconsequential these days... but still... WTF?? Oh, and I laughed hysterically when they showed him banging away at the piano with his one working hand. Because, you know... he'd suddenly lose all talent and just bang away like a 4 year old with a noise complex. * Owl Yes, I actually said out loud "Thank you owl, you can fly back to Hogwart's now," when she got to that part where the owl leads the way to the burial site. * No oxygen = the strength enough to dig someone out of a hole. I thought they were symbiotic... that she was having trouble breathing. Yet she seems to summon the strength to completely dig up the grave of her twin sister and the best that the girl can do after being rescued by someone who is her f*cking doppleganger is smile like a retard? Oh, and while we're on that topic... how is it that the music teacher was able to afford a stained glass coffin with the blue roses on it, let alone not raise suspicion as to why he would need something like that ordered and delivered to his home? I'm just thinking out loud here people... (as well as talking to the screen in the theater. * Cuddle Buddies Really.... that was the best shot to end the film on? F*cking hell.... email this review to a friend
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Aug 3, 2007 9:55 AM