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Alexander (2004)
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Being part of the audience at Oliver Stone's three-hour epic "Alexander" is a little like being in Alexander's army: before long you're fed up and want to go home. Frequently, Stone's subjects are men with huge amounts of power (Presidents Nixon and Kennedy, Jim Morrison, Gordon Gekko); Alexander the Great, ruler of the known world at the tender age of 25, is the most powerful of them all. But as dizzying as that feat may be, "Alexander" fails to make a case for why you should care.
Anthony Hopkins plays Ptolemy, a former soldier with Alexander, and narrates in a failed attempt to tie the film together. Son of Macedonian King Philip II (Kilmer) and Queen Olympias (Jolie), Alexander is torn between the two as he grows up; the only time we see them interact is an early scene where drunken Philip tries to rape his estranged wife. Following this incident is the first of many moments where a character screams some sort of pronouncement or threat (not to be confused with the mighty "Nooooo," which also makes a few appearances), as Olympias shrieks "In my womb I carried my avenger!" No one in this movie speaks at a normal level - practically every scene is bellowed at full volume. Olympias grooms her son for the throne and future greatness, while Philip habitually dismisses him. When Philip marries a pure-blood Macedonian and she conceives, grown-up Alexander (Farrell, not able to completely shed his Irish accent) knows his chances of ruling are slim. The only person he can trust is his lifelong friend and probable lover, Hephaistion (Leto).
Then, suddenly, Alexander embarks on his long war in Asia, fighting in the name of his father. How did this happen? How did he gain such respect and trust, never mind the leave to lead an army? You won't find out for about two hours. But in the meantime, you can watch Alexander shout "Conquer your fear, and I promise you'll conquer death!" to his troops, and win battles (these are entertaining, and one with elephants is especially so, but they're not nearly as good as any of "The Lord of the Rings" melees). Between the war-making, Alexander expresses a vaguely multi-cultural viewpoint on his conquests, professing his dream of uniting the different cultures across Asia as one and spreading education and refined customs to the less advanced. But how do the conquered feel about this? You don't find out.
With the quest to explore and dominate Asia as one major theme, another is Alexander's love for Hephaistion as an antidote to the sometimes poisonous attentions of his mother. After introducing the idea of love between the two men, though, Stone doesn't do much except include a lot of significant glances; you can't tell if the glances mean "I love you" or "Am I wearing too much eyeliner?" In his desire to produce an heir, and to promote the unification of the lands he controls, Alexander decides to take a Bactrian wife, the spirited Roxane (Dawson). After an intense wedding night, however, Alexander's interests in Roxane wane.
"Alexander" sets out to make a grand pronouncement about a powerful man, but tells us why Alexander was great instead of showing us.
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