Van Helsing (2004)
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|Movie Review by Javi |
February 21st, 2007
The Monster Mash
I am glad I get to be the first person to review Van Helsing. I didn't wish to have my judgement clouded by other's perceptions of this movie. This is freedom.
So how DO I feel about this movie?
I hate it.
I hate it like a fat kid hates a tofu and spinach diet. I hate it like a grown man would hate a non-anesthetized circumcision. I hate it like Zara awesomely hates Silent Hill.
The plot of an infamous supernatural hunter known as Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) tracking down Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) to help a royal line enter heaven by killing him is borderline retarded. No, scratch that. If this screenplay was a person it would have an I.Q. of 7. That way past the border. If Dracula wasn't enough, Van Helsing meets Frankenstein's Monster, Mr. Hyde, a werewolf, Igor and Dracula's little harem in an attempt to stop Dracula from using Frankenstein's technology to bring to life his unborn children. All we needed was the Mummy and the Creature from the Black Lagoon and this little lineup would have been complete.
Even after a serious, Olympic-sized, leap to suspend reality I just couldn't buy it.
Add some anachronistic equipment, incredibly bad accents (I felt sorry for Kate Beckinsale), and a disconnect between Jackman's very serious take on Van Helsing and Roxburgh's hammy portrayal of Dracula and my brain wanted to explode. I'm not even going to mention the supposed past of Van Helsing. Ludicrous.
One thing I did want to mention is this. The special effects and CGI monsters never looked right. Actually, I'm not sure it was the animators who are at fault here. Since the creatures themselves look fine but just don't look like they are actually in the scenes, its more than likely the compositors were at fault. Every creature just looked cartoony to me, especially Dracula himself. For an example of good creatures, look to that other monster extravaganza, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. The problems of LXG aside, the creatures looked more real and in sync with the style of the movie. Van Helsing's crappy compositing felt to me more like I was watching a more expensive version of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? which for this movie, was a bad thing.
Entertainment Value - 1/2: In the Mystery Science Theater sort of way. I didn't walk out of the movie theater...I was too busy laughing.
Storytelling - 0 Stars
Characters and Dialogue - 0 Stars: Beckinsale's accent issues aside, check out the vampiresses' dialogue? Are you serious?
Production - 0 Stars: Lots of money was spent. Not well.
Directing and Editing - 0 Stars: I blame the director.
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Feb 21, 2007 3:38 PM
also wrote a review of Van Helsing
|It's lousy in most regards, but I will say one thing: This was the HOTTEST Kate Beckinsale ever looked in a flick. She looked good enough to distract from most of the stupid crap going on.|
Feb 21, 2007 3:17 PM
|I didn't like this movie much either, with exception to Frankstein's monster I kinda like him a little bit.|
Feb 21, 2007 11:43 PM
|Dude this movie was the WORST.|
Mar 2, 2008 6:06 PM
|I'm with you. I still have respect for Sommers, but I've been waiting for an apology for this assfest for four years now.|
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