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Directed By
Jamie Blanks
Written By:
Donna Powers, Wayne Powers, Gretchen J. Berg, Aaron Harberts
Cast:
Denise Richards, Marley Shelton, Jessica Capshaw, Katherine Heigl, Johnny Whitworth, Jessica Cauffiel, Daniel Cosgrove, Fulvio Cecere, Hedy Burress, David Boreanaz, Fulvio Cecere
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Valentine (2001)
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Movie Review by Joe
October 9th, 2006
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Terrible, horrible, pointless, mindnumbing...no, I'm not talking about root canals, I'm talking about the movie Valentine.
I remember back in the day when it came out in theaters, I wanted to see it, but never got around to it. And then it came out on DVD and I wanted to get it, but once again never got around to it. Finally I bought it, and I wish I would've never gotten around to it.
The movie begins with not a high school dance flashback, but a sixth-grade dance flashback in which the nerd Jeremy is asking four different girls to dance, and each one tells him no. Then he meets fat girl Dorothy who agrees to dance and then makes out with him...sixth grade...making out...fat girl and nerd...oh this is going to be GREAT!
Flashback years later, and the five girls are now supermodel-like women. Not only that, but the stereotypes are all there. We got the slut Paige (Denise Richards), the 'main girl' Kate (Marley Shelton), the beautiful woman who used to be a fat girl Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw), the smart one Lily (Jessica Cauffiel) and the funny one Shelley (Katherine Heigl). This isn't just my view, it was actually mentioned in the movie.
Anyway, we discover early on that a killer is stalking the women, and it turns out to be none other than Jeremy, the sixth-grade nerd bent on revenge. Funny thing is that the women don't seem concerned at all about this fact, they just go about their lives, dating men such as brooding hunk Adam (David Boreanaz), rich man Campbell (Daniel Cosgrove), and idiot Brian (Woody Jeffreys). Of course, they turn out to the audience to be people suspected of being Jeremy, because, of course, no one knows what Jeremy looks like anymore. He could look the same, or have gotten...dum dum dum...PLASTIC SURGERY!
So a lot of people die. The killer is revealed. Huge plot hole in the end. And it's over.
Funny how I haven't heard of previews yet for Valentine 2...
Adam Carr: Nice party, Dorothy.
Dorothy Wheeler: It blows!
Adam Carr: Is everything okay?
Dorothy Wheeler: Oh, yes! Everything's fine, it's just that men SUCK! But, that's no offense to you, Adam.
Adam Carr: None taken.
(yes, that is an actual quote from the movie...)
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