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Brian Krause, Madchen Amick, Alice Krige, Jim Haynie, Cindy Pickett, Lyman Ward, Ron Perlman, Stephen King, Tobe Hooper, Mark Hamill, Glenn Shadix, Joe Dante, Clive Barker, John Landis, Dan Martin
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|Movie Review by BillyBob |
December 30th, 2011
NO. NOT SCARY. JUST VERY STUPID AND CHEAP HORROR
When it comes to STEPHEN KING, I can never tell where the hell this guy's ideas come from. Like - Do they come from his head? (or) Is it just straight out of his ass?
All that I know for sure is that the way this bloody doofus has been spewing out his own special brand of literary excrement over the years, you can bet he's plagued to the gills with chronic diarrhea of the brain - That's for sure.
And with that realization out in the open, it now leads us to the conundrum of trying to determine where KING's brains are actually located. Like - Are they really inside his skull? (or) Are they just up his ass, too?
And, with that said - I'm tellin' ya, after seeing KING's cameo appearance here in SLEEPWALKERS (as the annoyingly unfunny and clueless cemetary keeper), I'm about 100% convinced that KING's brains are, most definitely, nowhere else, but right up his keester, which is where his writing comes from, too.
(Hmm... Fancy that!)
SLEEPWALKERS is chock full, to overflowing, with idiotic dialog, hammy performances, and all sorts of other STEPHEN KING-type stupidity, such as -
Patrol cop, Andy, (while on duty) drives around town with his pet cat, Clovis, right by his side in the police cruiser, and all the while he talks incessantly to this feline as if it were his work partner, or something. (Duh)
The incestuously evil, mother and son, shape-shifter team in SLEEPWALKERS (these Bradys are in no way related to the Brady bunch), own a car that can change from a blue Corvette to a red Mustang, instantly, and (get this) it can be willed by them into invisibility, as well. (Spare me)
During a particularly bloody confrontation our "mommy-dearest" shape-shifter actually stabs one of the cops to death with a cob of corn! (That's right! A cob of frickin' corn!) (Like - Hey, STEPHEN KING, am I really supposed to be horrified by this and expected to take this crap seriously? Eh? Am I?)
SLEEPWALKERS also features several noted cameos by such celebrities as CLIVE BARKER, TOBE HOOPER, and JOE DANTE. You'd honestly think that the appearances of these dudes in the story would, at least, spice things up a bit. But, no, sadly enough, it all adds up to just more disappointment, along with the completely pathetic and utterly laughable monster effects, as well.
In my opinion, the only really sensible way to watch SLEEPWALKERS is to do it while you are already asleep. That's right - 'Cause if you're not already in that state in the first place, then this picture is surely gonna put you there.
Zzzzzzzzzzzz.... Good-Night and sweet dreams, all you silly sleepwalkers.
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