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A Movie Column about Nothing
by Tim Josephs

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So, next month marks the 15th anniversary of the last new episode of Seinfeld airing. It really seems hard to believe that it was that long ago. Of course the show has never gone off the air and still lives on in re-runs, and it's probably just as funny as ever.

But what does Seinfeld have to do with movies? Well, I'm glad you asked. Movies, either real or imagined, always played a big part in the show.

Movie stars who made cameo appearances:

Bette Midler - In town to play Rochelle in Rochelle, Rochelle: The Musical (see below), George injuries her in a softball game.

Marisa Tomei - George actually has a shot with her (because she happens to be into short, stocky, bald men), but blows it when he reveals that he's engaged.

Jon Voight - George thinks he's bought Voight's car, and Kramer later ends up getting bitten by the actor.

Woody Allen - Okay, Allen never actually appears on the show, but Kramer gets a small part in a movie he's filming in the neighborhood ("These pretzels are making me thirsty"), only to
end up getting fired after he accidentally injuries him.

Real movies mentioned on the show:

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS - Made Gino and Uncle Enzo cry

HOME ALONE - Made George cry

BEACHES - Made Jerry's girlfriend cry

THE ENGLISH PATIENT - Made everyone but Elaine cry

WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S II - Elaine, looking for a chuckle, rents this only to end up being disgusted.

BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S - Having failed to read the book for his book club, George barges in a father and daughter who have rented the film.

CHAPTER TWO - In order to win him back, Jerry's girlfriend sends him a note plagiarizing from the movie.

PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE - Jerry wants to go see (and loudly mock) this film after he, George, and Elaine eat some Chinese food.

SCHINDLER'S LIST - Because his parents are staying with him, Jerry has to go to this movie to make out with his girlfriend.

STAR TREK II - Due to an offhand quote from the movie that Jerry makes at Susan's funeral, George's life is turned upside down.

Some of the fake movies mentioned
on the show that could very well be real films

Death Blow - "When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but because of different reasons altogether!" Jerry is forced to bootleg this movie along with Cry, Cry Again.

Sack Lunch

Prognosis Negative

Chunnel - "32 miles of hell"

Rochelle, Rochelle: "A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk."

Blimp: The Hindenburg Story

CheckMate - "The next move could be his last."

The Pain and the Yearning - "An old woman experiences pain and yearning."

The Other Side of Darkness

Blame it on the Rain

The Muted Heart

Ponce De Leon

Flaming Globes of Sigmund

Movies that Kramer as Moviefone guy looked up for people:

Agent Zero

Mountain High - "There's no higher place than... Mountain High!"

Brown-Eyed Girl

Cupid's Rival


Chow Fun

Seinfeld movie parodies:

MARATHON MAN - After Kramer pretends to mug George in front of a van full of immigrants, they later confront him in an alley, only to
be subdued by the "Bro" (or "Mansserie") Kramer has in his pocket.

MIDNIGHT COWBOY - Kramer and Jerry take a bus out to New Jersey to try to retrieve Jerry's sneakers, and when Kramer gets a nosebleed, Jerry attempts to comfort him as "Everybody's Talkin'" plays.

APOCALYPSE NOW - In order to get him to sign a cost expenditure, Elaine travels into the jungle of Burma to find Mr. Peterman.

CITIZEN KANE - Mr. Peterman's mother dies after uttering "Bosco" and he thinks she confessed some transgression until it is later revealed that is was just George's bankcard code.

NIXON - When Jerry's father is accused of embezzlement, he is forced to resign as condo president, and after their walk of shame, he looks back on the crowd and waves.

Notable movies the principal actors made either during or after the show:

Jason Alexander - PRETTY WOMAN


Michael Richards - UHF, PROBLEM CHILD

Jerry Seinfeld - BEE MOVIE



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Movie Musings
Every other Tuesday

Thoughts, observations, conjectures, complaints about movies and mostly how they relate to me personally. If you're looking for something a little broader, try Ebert.

Other Columns
Other columns by Tim Josephs:

So Long 2013, and MatchFlickers!

The Season for Peace, Presents, & Puncture Wounds

Women are Once Again Kicking Ass

Chewing the Scenery

The Greatest President We Never Had

All Columns

Tim Josephs
Born to write (literally much to the displeasure of his mother, he emerged with a pencil clutched in one tiny fist), Tim spends most of his days crafting epic monosyllabic poems, new comical titles to his favorite Beatles' songs (Hey, Dude), and angry letters to local businesses that have wronged him in some way. He's really an okay guy once you get to know him.

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Tim Josephs by clicking here.

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