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80s Late Night Cinema Classics
by Tim Josephs

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Now it's time for another installment of 80s Late Night Cinema Classics. This week we'll be discussing 1984's HARDBODIES. The film, for those who don't know, is about three middle-aged (or thereabouts) men who one summer rent a house on the beach in order to pick up as many women as they can. However, they soon discover that hot young girls aren't particularly fond of old dudes, so they enlist the services of blonde beach bum Scotty to give them lessons on "dialoging" and "BBD" (bigger, better, deal) in order to bed women. Coincidentally, Scotty has just been thrown out of his
apartment and needs money and a place to stay, so he agrees to help the men, and of course, hilarity ensues.

On a side note, when I was a kid and would be in a video store, this was one of the movies I would always linger over. The cover is above so you can see why I was so intrigued. But, until recently, I had never actually seen the movie.

Many of the 80s movie archetypes are featured in HARDBODIES. Scotty, the main character, is cool and crafty, he often gets into jams, but just as easily gets out of them. His girlfriend Kristi is hot, a little bit tough, and doesn't
take his crap. Scotty's best friend is a red-haired nerd named Rag who of course in the end gets the girl he's been pining over the whole movie. There is also a somewhat sleazy promoter as well as a lecherous toupee-wearing businessman (who naturally gets his comeuppance after falling in a hot tub).

HARDBODIES really has everything you would want in a cheesy 80s film. There are geeks (one of whom was played by Kane Hodder in his pre-Jason days), spazzes, an all girl rock band, multiple montages featuring people trying on new clothes and limo antics, lingo like "spare me" and
"for sure," and lots and lots of naked breasts. In fact, with the exception of SHOWGIRLS, I'm not sure I have seen a mainstream movie with as much nudity. Here are just a few of the many nude scenes: Five or six topless girls getting their picture taken on a bed, an aerobics instructor doing nude yoga at the beach, and two girls talking about breasts while looking at each others in a mirror.

Sure, HARDBODIES is no GIMME AN 'F' (but then again, what is, am I right?), but if you're stricken with a case of insomnia one night and find it on cable, it's well worth staying up another 88 minutes.

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Movie Musings
Every other Tuesday

Thoughts, observations, conjectures, complaints about movies and mostly how they relate to me personally. If you're looking for something a little broader, try Ebert.

Other Columns
Other columns by Tim Josephs:

So Long 2013, and MatchFlickers!

The Season for Peace, Presents, & Puncture Wounds

Women are Once Again Kicking Ass

Chewing the Scenery

The Greatest President We Never Had

All Columns

Tim Josephs
Born to write (literally much to the displeasure of his mother, he emerged with a pencil clutched in one tiny fist), Tim spends most of his days crafting epic monosyllabic poems, new comical titles to his favorite Beatles' songs (Hey, Dude), and angry letters to local businesses that have wronged him in some way. He's really an okay guy once you get to know him.

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Tim Josephs by clicking here.

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