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The Night Club in Heaven
by Tim Josephs

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The great sports writer Rick Reilly had a column a few months ago centered around the premise that there's a sports bar in heaven for all former great athletes. But the catch is there's only one mug per name. For example there's only one "Joe" mug so only Joe Montana could drink there. I decided to steal the idea and have come up with something similar for actors. But instead of a bar let's say it's an upscale night club. And instead of a mug let's make it a martini glass. I've only included names that could possibly cause a debate. There's no reason to include Uma, Joaquin, Sigourney, or the like; their glasses are pretty much assured.

Anne/Ann: Bancroft over Archer, Hathaway, Margret, and Heche. Has to be Mrs. Robinson.

Anthony: Hopkins over Michael Hall, Quinn, and Perkins. No contest with this one.

Alan: Rickman over Arkin, Alda, and Cumming. You say don't say no to Snape/Hans Gruber.

Barbara/Barbra: Streisand over Hershey, Billingsley, and Stanwyck.

Ben: Kingsley over Affleck, Stiller, Stein, and Vereen. Another easy choice.

Bill/Billy: Murray over Paxson, Cosby, Crystal, Pullman, Bob Thorton, Crudup, and Zane. Little bit of a tough one but he'd probably be the most entertaining. Cosby and Crystal would just try to hard.

Bridget: Bardot over Nielson, Fonda, and

Bruce: Lee over Willis, Campbell, and Dern. He can be the bouncer too.

Charles/Charlie: Chaplin over Sheen, Bronson, A. Dutton, Durning, and Grodin. Who wouldn't want to sit and talk to this guy?

Chris/Christopher: Walken over Cooper, Elliot, Rock, Reeve, O'Donnell, Plummer, and Lloyd. It's always good to have a creepy guy on hand to make things interesting.

Dan/Daniel/Danny: Day-Lewis over Radcliffe, Stern, Aykroyd, DeVito, Craig, and Glover.

Dennis: Hopper over Quaid, Leary and Frantz.

Diane: Keaton over Lane, Wiest, and Kruger.

Don/Donald: Sutherland over Cheadle, Pleasence, Knotts, Adams, Ameche, and Johnson.

Ed/Eddie/Edward: Harris over Begley Jr., Asner, Murphy, O'Neil, Burns, Norton, G. Robinson, and James Olmos.

Elizabeth: Taylor over Berkeley, McGovern, Shue, Hurley, Perkins, and Banks. She'll add some glamor to the joint.

Emma: Thompson over Watson, Roberts, and Stone.

Gary: Oldman over Shandling, Busey, Cooper, Marshall, and Sinise.

George: C. Scott over Clooney, Hamilton, and Kennedy. Perhaps Clooney will take his place one day.

Gene: Hackman over Wilder, Autry, and Kelly.

Jack: Nicholson over Palance, Lemon, Black, and Klugman.

James: Stewart over Cagney, Dean,
Woods, Franco, Earl Jones, Spader, Caan, Brolin, Coburn, Garner, and Gandolfini. Maybe the hardest choice, but in the end how do you not pick him?

Jane: Mansfield over Lynch, Kaczmarek, Krakowski, and Fonda. What's a night club without a busty blonde?

Jason: Robards over Bateman, Lee, Alexander, Biggs, Schwartzman, and Patric.

Jeff: Bridges over Goldblum, Daniels, and Wright. Has to be The Dude.

Jennifer: Jason-Leigh over Beals, Lopez, Jones, Lawrence, Coolidge, Love Hewitt, Aniston, Grey, Tilley, Connelly, and Garner.

John: Malkovich over Travolta, Wayne, Cleese, Candy, Cusak, Goodman, Turturro, Corbett, Krasinski, and C. Reilly. Another tough one but he's probably the most interesting of the group.

Kate/Cate: Winslet over Hudson, Capshaw, Beckinsale, Blanchette. Along with Emma Thompson she'll add some British charm to the place.

Katherine/Catherine: Hepburn over Heigl, Keener, and Deneuve.

Kevin: Bacon over Spacey, Smith, Klein, and Costner. Maybe not the best actor of the bunch but he seems like the coolest.

Kim: Novak over Basinger, Cattrall, Hunter, and Williams. What's a night club without another busty blonde?

Laura: Linney over Dern, Harring, and Graham.

Matt/Matthew: Damon over Broderick, Modine, McConaughey, Perry
and Dillon.

Michael/Mike: Caine over J. Fox, Myers, Sheen, Keaton, Cera, and Douglas. Hard choice, but how do you refuse a guy who has been knighted?

Michelle: Pfeiffer over Williams and Rodriguez. (For now; Williams might supplant her one day.)

Paul: Newman over Sorvino, Rudd, Giamatti, Rubens, and Bettany.

Peter: Fonda over O'Toole, Sarsgaard, Lorre, Dinklage, Sellers, Falk, and Gallagher.

Richard: Burton over Harris, Gere, Dreyfuss, Chamberlain, and Pryor.

Robert: DeNiro over Redford, Downey Jr., Duvall, Wuhl, Loggia, Mitchum, and Shaw. Tough one, but how do you say no to DeNiro?

Sam: Davis Jr. over Rockwell, Elliot, and L. Jackson.

Sean: Penn over Connery, Young, and Astin. I'm not telling Penn no.

Steve: McQueen over Guttenberg, Martin, Buschemi, and Carrell. Tough guy trumps funny guys.

Tim/Timothy: Robbins over Roth, Allen, Conway, Curry, Hutton, and Daly.

Tom/Tommy/Thomas: Hanks over Cruise, Berenger, Lee Jones, Hayden Church, and Wilkinson. Another easy one, though once Cruise finds out he'll say it's because he's a Scientologist.

Will/William: H. Macy over Holden, Hurt, Ferrell, Shatner, and Smith.

Of course some of these folks might not end up at the Pearly Gates after all, but that's a column for another day.

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Mike Thomas
Jul 19, 2011 1:59 AM
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Really clever column, Tim!

But -

You forgot Michael
as in Gambone, J. Fox, Tilson-Thomas, Myers (real & fictitious), Cera, Landon, Caine, plus the 65 other actors, editors, gaffes, musicians, and producers specifically name Michael Thomas

....okay, the last part I'm just having a little fun, but I really did enjoy your column.
Jul 19, 2011 11:53 AM
[X] delete
Thanks. You're right, how could I forget Dumbledore?

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Movie Musings
Every other Tuesday

Thoughts, observations, conjectures, complaints about movies and mostly how they relate to me personally. If you're looking for something a little broader, try Ebert.

Other Columns
Other columns by Tim Josephs:

So Long 2013, and MatchFlickers!

The Season for Peace, Presents, & Puncture Wounds

Women are Once Again Kicking Ass

Chewing the Scenery

The Greatest President We Never Had

All Columns

Tim Josephs
Born to write (literally much to the displeasure of his mother, he emerged with a pencil clutched in one tiny fist), Tim spends most of his days crafting epic monosyllabic poems, new comical titles to his favorite Beatles' songs (Hey, Dude), and angry letters to local businesses that have wronged him in some way. He's really an okay guy once you get to know him.

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Tim Josephs by clicking here.

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