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Life is NOT an Action Movie
by Spotlight Mike

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In the 56 years I've been alive, I've done many things, had many opportunities, and experienced life in all its mediocre glory. My only regret in all my life is that for all I've ever done, I've never done anything spectacularly stupid.

That may sound a little strange, but Life as an experience is not remembered the time you punched a clock, or had dinner at McDonald's. Life, when you reminisce to your grandchildren, will be told of the time you got lost in Germany, or fought the entire Fourth Grade. In other words, you remember the real-life movie events in your life. And I envy those people who had those types of experiences - and lived through them, naturally. There are a few "adventures" I'll never see come to life, but I do think of them from time to time, and I'd like to share them with you.

Keeping some decorum for content and a little respect for our Matchflickettes, these fantasies are basic "guy" fantasies, and definitely PG, PG-13 at best. Those "other" fantasies, I'll reserve for my "Dear Penthouse" letters.

Barring science fiction and horror as too far out there, many scenes in movies that, given the opportunity, I would have jumped at the chance to get into:

- Topping the list is the standard issue barroom brawl. What guy wouldn't want to go wailing with a bunch of total strangers, barely holding your own, maybe not winning, or really losing, but eventually getting out alive. Granted, you may feel it for a few days (weeks) afterwards, and maybe spend some quality time in the local emergency room - or jail - but what a story it would make!

- The high-speed car chase. Either as the chaser or the chasee, it doesn't
Knock-Down Drag-Out Free-For-All

Knock-Down Drag-Out Free-For-All
matter. Being in a high-powered muscle machine tearing down a highway or a street, pedal smashed to the floor. The fantasy would involve massive property damage, but nothing currently living would be harmed in this adventure - except if I were the chaser and caught the bad guy.

- Having some impossibly gorgeous goddess come on to me, even if I knew it was part of a con or a scam. Like I said, PG or PG-13, so it wouldn't go much further than that, at least for this article. Also, I'd appreciate it if no one told my wife this one, okay?

- Just once, I'd like to blow something up. I'm not talking your standard M-80 or a frog. I'm talking about something that could flip a Sherman Tank, or level a building. We're talking 1980's A-Team-style, temporary deafness destruction. Again, no humans would be injured.

- This may not be specifically for me, but it would be cool to be seen in the standard "running for dear life" from a massive explosion scenario, as you're draped in the fire and debris flying all around you.

***Note: Explosions are cool (hey! I'm guy - deal with it!)***

- One thing that might be possible in my reality might be the spontaneous musical number. In many of the major cities, the phenomenon of the Flash Mob is popping up with some frequency. Made somewhat famous by 'the truth' anti-cigarette ads, these flash mobs would organize a supermarket run-through, where dozens of people (kids) would just run through a supermarket and leave, or gather at a street corner and look up, to see how many other people they can get to do the same, or in my case, the "spontaneous" musical number.

I've seen such clips
Uh- Maybe Tone It Down a Tad.....

Uh- Maybe Tone It Down a Tad.....
on YouTUBE; they look organized, but they still have that "movie musical/Mickey Rooney/Judy Garland" feel to them. Having been in theater, that would be a hoot!

The reason for this little fantasy trip was that I was re-watching BACHELOR PARTY and The HANGOVER, which in my opinion complement each other. I've been to Las Vegas a dozen or so times, and the most adventure I've ever had there was renewing my wedding vows with my wife, with "Elvis" presiding over the ceremonies.. But the phrase, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" would not pertain to me. For me, what has happened to me in Vegas no one really cares to know about anyway. Back on story, for one day, every crazy thing that could ever happen to a bunch of guys went on (finding a Bengal Tiger in your bathroom!?!?!?), and though The HANGOVER guys got bruised and battered, they still came out of it with no permanent physical or emotional damage, and a lifetime of memories - that they can only share amongst themselves and perhaps fifty or so years from now with their grandchildren.

There are things I'd like to do before I die that are within reason - skydiving, deep-sea diving, bungee-jumping (at though close to 280lbs, that may not be a good idea), getting stranded in a strange - but friendly (we're not talking HOSTEL here) - country, getting in a massive food fight, going to see the Passion Play in Oberammagau, Germany, running with the bulls in Spain (also a disclaimer - I'd prefer to be one
This will NOT End Well...

This will NOT End Well...
of the first ones out in front of the mob and not one of the last - hey - I may be crazy, but I'm not suicidal!); these are doable, but if I'm ever to get any of these things done, I'd best get cracking!

Maybe I've seen too many action movies. Maybe if I ever tried to do any of these things on my "Bucket List," I'd end like like those backyard wrestlers who try those outrageously dangerous stunts they see Professional Wrestlers or the cast of JACKASS 3D perform, and end up with substantially more than a few bumps and bruises. I watch Tosh.0 and Web Soup! These Professional Wrestlers are not only in excellent condition, but train and rehearse to be able to do those stunts and not get too seriously hurt. There's a reason why we see the disclaimer, "WARNING: THE STUNTS IN THIS MOVIE WERE PERFORMED BY PROFESSIONALS, SO NEITHER YOU NOR YOUR DUMB LITTLE BUDDIES SHOULD ATTEMPT ANYTHING FROM THIS MOVIE."

But we'd like to try anyway.

Of course, I could be wrong!


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Oct 20, 2010 8:57 PM
[X] delete
Trick, or Treat, Mike!!

Well, Halloween is just around the corner. This might be the opportunity you need to do something spectacularly stupid, like, maybe, go streaking down main street, and get away with it.

This would probably provide some great viewing for everyone checking things out on YouTube.
Mike Thomas
Oct 20, 2010 9:40 PM
[X] delete
Y'know, Billybob, somehow that one did NOT make my Bucket List. Most of my acts of stupidity involve getting killed, not dying of embarrassment!

(Or making the Matchflick Community REALLY jealous!)

Oct 21, 2010 11:02 PM
[X] delete
Sept 1967: I pack up and leave New York City for Israel as volunteer after the SixDay War.No idea what I'd find, who I'd meet or where I'd end up.Nov 13, 1967 I meet a beautiful girl from London who captivates me and - 13 months later - becomes my bride in London. December 1976: I deliver our first daughter at home early AM on a cold New Jersey winter's day. I'll have to tell you that one separately.
Mike Thomas
Oct 21, 2010 11:14 PM
[X] delete
I could see a young richard Dreyfuss as the Jon going off to war. Since I've never seen your wife, we'll go with Bridget Moynahan.

We'll have to go with a stunt baby.
Oct 22, 2010 8:05 AM
[X] delete
I've got pix on Facebook of my wife. Seeing is believing. her name is Christine.
Mike Thomas
Oct 22, 2010 12:08 PM
[X] delete
Oh, no, Jon!

I wasn't saying I didn't believe you were married. I was just saying I didn't know what she looked like. I looked. Not bad, not bad at all.

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I Could Be Wrong
Every other Wednesday

Until I find my footing, I'd like to vent on the state of today's movies. I will occasionally praise a movie that piques my fancy. But it's a whole lot more fun railing against a person's work who makes more money on a single project than I would make if I lived 500 years. Oh, I will usually make observations on movies rather than films. The difference? Films are critically acclaimed, while movies are just darned good fun.

Other Columns
Other columns by Spotlight Mike:

Adventures in WonderCon

In Praise of the Movie Producer

The Life of a Film Reviewer



All Columns

Spotlight Mike
Born in the Fifties with an extreme phobia for movies in general, I became obsessed with movies when I broke that phobia with the first movie I actually enjoyed, “The Ten Commandments.” I particularly like the kind of movie where you can put your brain on hold. I get enough reality and drama in my everyday life; I refuse to pay someone to subject me to the same.

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Spotlight Mike by clicking here.

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