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The Worst Movies of all Time? Part 2
by Tim Josephs

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The List Begins

Ok, here we go. I wasn't quite sure how to arrange them. Alphabetically? Chronologically? How bad they are? But then I realized if I did that last one I'd have to watch them all first and decide which order to put them in and that just seemed like too much work. So here they are in the order in which I watched them.

BATTLEFIELD EARTH (2000)

Why considered so bad:

For one, it's based on a book by Scientology creator L. Ron Hubbard. That in itself might be enough, but there's loads more. Lame special effects, ridiculous, nonsensical plot (ok, you're a master alien race who has conquered Earth, have impressive flying machines and laser guns, but you need human slaves for manual labor? And then you teach the most angry and aggressive one all about your language and technology and then leave him unsupervised? WTF? Plus, you've inhabited Earth for a thousand years looking for gold and you don't discover Fort Knox? Yet that one guy figures that out in five minutes?)
And the acting, my God, the acting. First of all, what the hell is Forest Whitaker doing in this thing? Did Travolta have some pictures he blackmailed with? And as for Mr. Travolta, I don't even know
what to say. Can you call that overacting? It was like he thought he was in a Saturday Night Live sketch. When his arm was blown off he barely reacted. And that horribly fake manically laugh will be haunting my nightmares for some time. The movie kind of reminded me of BARBARELLA and those campy films from the 50s. It was so bad that towards the end I began to revel in how awful it was and almost enjoy it. Maybe not the worst movie I've ever seen but probably one of the stupidest.

Anything good?

The main actress looked kind of like a cute girl I went to high school with.

Worthy of being called worst ever?

Without a doubt.

GIGLI (2003)

Why considered so bad:

Let me count the ways. Stupid and often boring story, terrible dialogue, horrible casting (Ben Affleck as a mob hired goon?), zero romantic chemistry between him and Lopez. Wasn't this the movie that started their tabloid love affair? The great Christopher Walken wasted in a small, really unnecessary role and Al Pacino sporting a ponytail doing his best, well, over the top, yelling Al Pacino impression.
And I'm sure the lesbian community was thrilled that a lesbian character was able to "change
teams" at the drop of a tank top. And somehow this also felt offensive to the mentally handicapped as well. (Although, there's a very good chance the screenwriter was mentally handicapped so I guess it's a wash.)
And although it's labeled a comedy I found nothing remotely amusing.

Anything good?

The many gratuitous shots of Ms. Lopez's assets and the part where she talks about her vagina. (But trust me, fellas, not even close to worth the price of a rental)

Worthy to be called worst ever?

Well, if you factor in the hype surrounding it and the fact that it starred two of the biggest stars in Hollywood at the time, I'd have to say yes. But otherwise, I'm sure there's much worse.

HEAVEN'S GATE (1980)

Why Considered so Bad:

You'd think a movie starring Kris Kristofferson, Jeff Bridges, Christopher Walken, and other notables about cattle rustling, immigrant persecution, and a love triangle between two lawmen and a hooker might be good. Well, think again. If ever a film needed an editor (or three) this was it. It was over three and a half hours long and even had an intermission. I almost fell asleep a couple times. There were endless, unnecessary scenes of people
dancing, riding around in buggies, and doing other unimportant things. I swear a barn dance/roller skating party scene containing nothing of consequence lasted twenty minutes.

But all that aside, I really believe there was a good, interesting story buried somewhere in this hodgepodge .

Anything good?

It was well-acted and the scenery in Wyoming – or wherever they filmed – looked amazing.

Worthy to be called worst ever?

Well, I don't think so. If the film had been an hour shorter it still might not have been great but I doubt it would be considered as bad. But even as long as it was, it was still better than the above two.

GLITTER (2001)

Why Considered so Bad:

Lame, cheesy, clichéd story with poor acting. Mariah Carey isn't horrible but she shouldn't be an actress, at least not in a starring role. This movie really reminded me of something you might see on the Lifetime channel.

Anything good?

Nothing comes to mind.

Worthy to be called worst ever?

No. This is a movie that should have been forgotten two weeks after it was released. I really don't think it belongs on a list of the worst of all time.


Next time: The list continues...

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Movie Musings
Every other Tuesday

Thoughts, observations, conjectures, complaints about movies and mostly how they relate to me personally. If you're looking for something a little broader, try Ebert.


Other Columns
Other columns by Tim Josephs:

So Long 2013, and MatchFlickers!

The Season for Peace, Presents, & Puncture Wounds

Women are Once Again Kicking Ass

Chewing the Scenery

The Greatest President We Never Had

All Columns


Tim Josephs
Born to write (literally – much to the displeasure of his mother, he emerged with a pencil clutched in one tiny fist), Tim spends most of his days crafting epic monosyllabic poems, new comical titles to his favorite Beatles' songs (Hey, Dude), and angry letters to local businesses that have wronged him in some way. He's really an okay guy once you get to know him.


Contact
If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Tim Josephs by clicking here.


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