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Beware a Woman Scorned
by Tim Josephs

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One track mind

One track mind
I was originally going to write a column about revenge movies, but when I thought about it I realized there are just too many. "Actors" like Van Damme and Steven Seagal owe their whole careers to the revenge movie. So I decided to narrow it down a little, specifically to the ladies.

Here is a list of film vixens I would not want to piss off in any way. If I stepped on their shoe on a crowded bus I would apologize profusely. If I happened to be matched up against them in, say, a game of tennis, I wouldn't think about arguing the close calls. If we both reached for the last carton of milk at the supermarket...well, I think you get the idea.

Beatrix Kiddo aka The Bride -- KILL BILL
Talk about
Don't let the cute face fool you

Don't let the cute face fool you
tunnel vision. Nothing, not even being buried alive, would stop her from getting her much deserved revenge.

Alex Forrest -- FATAL ATTRACTION
Stalking, kidnapping, boiling bunnies. Was Michael Douglas really worth all that?


Hayley Stark -- HARD CANDY
I'm not exactly sure this girl was actually scorned. Did she know that missing girl? Another cautionary tale about keeping it in your pants, especially if they're underage.

Peyton Flanders aka Mrs. Mott -- THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE
Her husband was a major doucher but that didn't stop her from terrorizing an innocent family to get her revenge.

Kim, Zoe, and Abernathy -- DEATHPROOF
After killing a carload of cute
I think she just wants to cut your sandwich

I think she just wants to cut your sandwich
girls, Stuntman Mike goes after another carload of slightly less cute girls. But the tide quickly turns and these chicks aren't playing around.

Dawn O'Keefe -- TEETH
Just thinking about this one gives me pain. Just be nice to her, okay? If not, well, enjoy life as a eunuch.

Annie Wilkes -- MISERY
Again, here's a case where I'm not sure there was actually any scorning. So the guy killed off her favorite character, it happens. (I'm still upset about Dumbledore). By the way, Stephen King's original ending had Paul Sheldon writing a new Misery book and Annie binding it with his skin. I kind of like that version better.

Adrienne Forrester -- THE CRUSH
Beware the cute and smart
Vengeance never looked so lovely

Vengeance never looked so lovely
coming-of-age girl next door. Especially if she knows how to control bees.

Carrie White -- CARRIE
It's amazing what one bucket of pig's blood can do. Another tale where all you have to do is be nice to her and everything's probably fine.

Pamela Voorhees -- FRIDAY THE 13TH
Talk about a dedicated Mom. Killing off the new counselors at her dead son's summer camp who had nothing to do with his death? Wow. I couldn't even get my Mom to come to my little league games.

Pam Grier
Grier has made a lot of movies where she did a lot of ass kicking. Her two best revenge films are probably COFFY and FOXY BROWN. I wouldn't want to make her mad, but on the other hand, I wouldn't mind being frisked by her.

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Mike Thomas
Jul 6, 2010 12:15 AM
[X] delete
This reads like the Dark Side of my Action Heroes column! Only a few that you chose could be categorized as anti-heroes. The rest are just f**king crazy! Of all the women you listed here, I felt Hayley was the scariest!

I like to read other people's lists. It helps you get a perspective on a movie you may not have seen yet.



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Movie Musings
Every other Tuesday

Thoughts, observations, conjectures, complaints about movies and mostly how they relate to me personally. If you're looking for something a little broader, try Ebert.


Other Columns
Other columns by Tim Josephs:

So Long 2013, and MatchFlickers!

The Season for Peace, Presents, & Puncture Wounds

Women are Once Again Kicking Ass

Chewing the Scenery

The Greatest President We Never Had

All Columns


Tim Josephs
Born to write (literally much to the displeasure of his mother, he emerged with a pencil clutched in one tiny fist), Tim spends most of his days crafting epic monosyllabic poems, new comical titles to his favorite Beatles' songs (Hey, Dude), and angry letters to local businesses that have wronged him in some way. He's really an okay guy once you get to know him.


Contact
If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Tim Josephs by clicking here.


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