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Did they really have to make that movie?
by The Alpha Craig

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This guy is supposed to play and genius? Really?

This guy is supposed to play and genius? Really?
Greetings Super Heroes! Sometimes I hear about an up-coming comic book movie adaptation and I think to myself, "Self, this is going to be great!" I go to the theater, throw down my $9 and proceed in viewing the worst possible rendition of some of my favorite characters. It is gut-wrenching when you see their good names sullied and drug through the mud of mediocrity in a vain effort to cash in on a well known franchise. Submitted for nobody's approval is my list of some of the worst comic book movies to date that raise the question, "Did they really have to make that movie?"

Here is a movie based on the character John Henry Irons a brilliant weapons engineer for AmerTek Industries. A man so completely saddened by the death of Superman (or so we all thought - wise-arse Alpha) that he decided to do something about it. He created an armored suit and took to cleaning up the crime problem in Metropolis. The two problems with this movie were that they dropped the Superman connection to the story and had Shaquille O'Neal play him. Need I say more, really?

This is a story about a young stunt motorcycle rider named Johnny Blaze. His father (also in the same profession - Concise Craig) was dying so Johnny sold his
Nipples, there I said it.

Nipples, there I said it.
soul to a demon named Mephisto in order to cure his ailing father. The twist was that his father died while trying to perform a stunt soon after being cured. The only problem with this movie was its star, Nicolas Cage. I am not a fan of his work and this movie made no effort to change that. He sailed through the movie in his usual pretentious snotty manner and killed any hopes of saving the movie (even though he did look incredibly cool as Ghost Rider with the flaming skull and all - Credit-where-it-is-due Craig.)

The name should say it all. Using the term "forever" in your title is usually an accurate estimate of its shelf life, in reverse land. The movie was made with all of the seriousness and thought of the 1960s series made to parody Batman when it was at its most ridiculously goofy incarnation. It had bright colors, silly over-acting villains, goofy plot devices and to top it all of Robin's costume had nipples. Is it any wonder why it took so long for anyone to be brave and bold enough to try a reboot?

The comic book story was very controversial. The idea was simple; the super villains of the world joined together and systematically took out all of the super heroes. Then after erasing their existence from everyone's memories,
Wanted: a better movie!

Wanted: a better movie!
developed a secret society of bad guys who ran the world while using a dimensional portal to go to other parallel Earths and kill off the super heroes as well. There was murder, rape and misogyny all around. When I saw the trailer I wasn't sure I had the right movie in mind. The movie dropped the villain aspect, turning them into assassins who killed the "really bad people" based on coded woven into tapestries. No rape, no murder of innocents and no supers. This was such a watered down version they may as well called it WANTED ZERO.

This was a story about a government agent/assassin named Al Simmons that was betrayed by his employer Jason Wynn and burned to death. A demon named Malebolgia offered him a chance at revenge in return for making him the general of an army of Hellspawns. The story was followed quite accurately except it looked cheesy as all hell (forgive the pun- Ashamed Alpha.) The technology wasn't good enough to get this done correctly. It had the appearance of being slapped together in a hurry in order to "strike while the iron was still hot" concerning the success of the comic book Spawn. It lacked the right look and the actors just kind of phoned it in. It had all of the charm of a Sci-Fi channel special form the first season they were
More like Mask of shame.

More like Mask of shame.
on the air.

No not the heart-felt and touching 80s movie featuring Cher and Eric Stoltz. I am talking about the steaming pile starring Jim Carry. In the original comic book a neurotic idiot named Stanley Ipkiss bought a jade green mask in a store as a gift. The mask began to talk to him, telling him to try it on. As he did, he was transformed into a super-power being with a total lack of morals and inhibitions. He then went on a killing spree to all of those who wronged him. Sure it was wacky, but there were killings. 1994 the movie came out with too much wackiness and no killings (see above comments regarding Wanted - Authority Alpha.)

This was quite simply bad. Peter Parker/Toby McGuire was never any more whiny and depressing. The bad guys weren't all that bad or even present and there was a freaking song and dance number. And for us fans, they totally botched the continuity by bringing Gwen Stacy into it after she was supposed to be the one who died on the bridge in the first movie. Good grief I have nothing more I can even say.

Well now that I have worked myself into a figurative fit about this I will wrap it up. This is just a sampling of my venom, with many more bites to come. Thanks for reading true believers, EXCELSIOR!

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Other Columns
Other columns by The Alpha Craig:

The Enemy of My Enemy Is My Friend

When I'm Good, I 'm Bad.......

Hey Bub, I'm Not Through With You

With Friends Like These....

She Works For Fudge!

All Columns

The Alpha Craig
I am the first and the last, maybe not. I'm 31 years old and still spend my disposable income on comic books. Might as well put it to good use.

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to The Alpha Craig by clicking here.

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