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Mutants On Parade 11/5/09
by Lance Norris

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Life lesson number 382: never let children pick out the DVD. My son went with Marky Mark Walberg in MAX PAYNE. This was the movie that was supposed to save 'based on video game' movies, so I think it's safe to say the based on video game genre has drawn it's last foul breath, unless their planning SUPER MARIO BROTHER TWO.

All alleged filmmaker John Moore has done here is steal equal parts from THE MATRIX, John Woo, GALDIATOR and THE HULK (Ang Lee's gay Hulk, not the Ed Norton one), and then sucked all the life and blood out of a perfectly fine third person shooter game.

The movie is so bad I very surprised not to find Steven Segal in it. Instead we get Marky Mark Walberg, and I don't buy Marky as an action star, He comes across more like the kind of scumbag punk that would sucker punch and kick a Vietnamese kid down a stairwell at a party (oops that was real life, not the movies).

I'd comment on Markey's acting, but he never does any in MAX PAYNE. He just walks around from person to person getting piece of information handed to him until the predictable shoot out at the end.

Avoid MAX PAYNE like the emergency room on a Friday night (which is exactly where my son is going to end up if he picks another movie like this). You (and he) have been warned.

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Ask a Bitter Man
Every Thursday

Lance Norris gives us his opinions on the state of film, vents about Hollywood, and generally lets his thoughts fly.

Other Columns
Other columns by Lance Norris:

Later On Croutons

Mutants On Parade 11/12/09

Mutants On Parade 10/29/09

Mutants On Parade 10/21/09

Mutants On Parade 10/15/09

All Columns

Lance Norris
Lance Norris, dubbed "Boston's only straight Film Critic" reviews movies for WZLX in Boston.

He has two books entitled Ask A Bitter Man: The Best of 1984 - 1999 Vol. 1 and I've Seen Better Film On The Teeth of Wolverines. which you can buy here

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Lance Norris by clicking here.

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