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Mutants On Parade 9/24/09
by Lance Norris

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Robert Blown By The Unseen Winds Pattinson

Robert "Blown By The Unseen Winds" Pattinson
So, I'm sitting here waiting for the porcine casting agent at Boston Casting to call me about using me (or my car) as an extra in the latest Tom Cruise epic and hoping against hope that Fincher will hold some local auditions for his Facebook movie, when I figure I'd further depress myself and check out what the beautiful people have on their plates this morning.

Robert Pattinson, that sickly looking Brit with an unnatural fear of brushes and combs, appears to be riding the TWILIGHT train a little further. He's busy filming the third installment, ECLIPSE, in Canada as we speak. The sequel is already in the can and opens in November. He's also got a weeper, chick flick, REMEMBER ME, in post-production, that is slated to open Valentine's Day weekend of next year against Benicio Del Toro in WOLFMAN and Jessica Biel in VALENTINE'S DAY.

Pattinson has also be cast in UNBOUND CAPTIVES with Hugh Jackman, which sounds like it is either a rip off of MISSING or THE SEARCHERS, depending on how old you are. And in 2011 we should see the arrival of BEL AMI, featuring Pattinson as a young man who rises to
Johnny I Comb For No Man Depp

Johnny "I Comb For No Man" Depp
power in Paris by sleeping with the city's most influential women, from first time film maker Declan Donnellan.

At first blush he seems like a very busy young actor, but let's take a quick look at the older, wiser Johnny Depps' plate and you'll see why Rob will quietly become his generation's Brandon Frasier.

Depp has three films in post-production right now: Tim Burton's ALICE IN WONDERLAND, a film version of Hunter Thompson's RUM DIARIES (which might actually be good because it is being written and directed by Bruce Robinson, who gave us WITHNAIL & I), and Depp will reportedly be the voice of a lizard in the cartoon Gore Verbinski turned down BIOSHOCK to direct, RANGO.

He has also optioned a Salvador Dali bio-pic with Peter Rawley, a film based on the poisoned KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko, a film version of Nick Tosches' IN THE HANDS OF DANTE, a film version of James Meek's THE PEOPLE'S ACT OF LOVE, and Lord Breaulove Swells Whimsy's AFFECTED PROVINCIAL'S COMPANION, which sounds like a hoax. These are all just options. Depp and his buddy Graham King might just be on a buying spree
Chevy I Got Enough Low Gears For This S-10

Chevy "I Got Enough Low Gears For This" S-10
because they are rich and bored.

However, Depp is also said to be staring in the remake of THE INCREDIBLE MR. LIMPET from A GOOFY MOVIE director Kevin Lima, playing Barnabas Collins in Tim Burton's film version of DARK SHADOWS, playing Jack Sparrow in the fourth PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN flick (directed this time by Rob "MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA" Marshall), then he'll play Tonto for Jerry Bruckheimer's THE LONE RANGER, Wallace in SIN CITY 2 (although I have no idea why they would ever let Frank Miller on another movie set), and Depp will play Julien Sauniere in a film version of the comic book REX MUNDI.

Of course, this is Hollywood and that is all subject to change, but Depp has also Terry Zwigoff's HAPPY DAYS, the Nick Hornby novel A LONG WAY DOWN, Joe Ganemi script for INAMORATA, and John Woo's CALIBER all in the pipeline and Mira Nair's SHANTARAM in turnaround.

So, who do you think is going to have the longer career as a pretty boy? Hell, I can't even get one movie made, so I guess it's not me, but I got a Chevy S-10 that photographs well, if anyone is looking for a stunt car in and around Boston.

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Ask a Bitter Man
Every Thursday

Lance Norris gives us his opinions on the state of film, vents about Hollywood, and generally lets his thoughts fly.


Other Columns
Other columns by Lance Norris:

Later On Croutons

Mutants On Parade 11/12/09

Mutants On Parade 11/5/09

Mutants On Parade 10/29/09

Mutants On Parade 10/21/09

All Columns


Lance Norris
Lance Norris, dubbed "Boston's only straight Film Critic" reviews movies for WZLX in Boston.

He has two books entitled Ask A Bitter Man: The Best of 1984 - 1999 Vol. 1 and I've Seen Better Film On The Teeth of Wolverines. which you can buy here


Contact
If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Lance Norris by clicking here.


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