I'm still reeling from the Portland Pirate Festival. If you didn't know, this last Saturday was Talk Like a Pirate Day and so I did. I didn't exactly dress like a pirate—I was a wench. In other words, I was the booty.
Real life pirates are awful, of course, but who among us doesn't like to dress up as one now and again? There's something romantic about the pirate life in a way that's different from random land bandit life. Perhaps it's the sea. As someone who loves Horatio Hornblower and all films about subs, it's no surprise that pirates and pirate movies attract me.
Pirates were romanticized for me at a very early age. When I was a preschooler (not in the going to preschool way, but in the not-yet-in-kindergarten way), I basically refused to learn to read. I had noticed that once people could read on their own, no one would read to them. And I loved being read to. My 
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stepfather came up with the idea of leaving me notes from "Pirate George." George's notes would be clues to treasure hidden around my stepfather's property. Since we lived on a bayou, it seemed perfectly reasonable to me that a pirate would drop by, that he would want to share his treasure, and that of course only I was invited to read the notes with the burned and yellowed edges.
When I was little, I really liked the silly pirate movies available. Kevin Kline is gorgeous in THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE. He may not be the model of a modern major general, but he's the model of a hot pirate! THE PIRATE MOVIE made fun of movies like this—the pirate sequence (the majority of the film) is a dream and there's singing, but it's fun. I was able to watch it again recently, for the first time in twenty years, and I don't think it was only nostalgia that made me enjoy it.
When I mention pirates, I'm sure that some people automatically think of PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN. I will admit a certain fondness for the first film and now that I've worn a corset for a few days (I'm still bruised, in fact), I have to say that I would swoon for anyone kind enough to cut my stays. And Johnny Depp is wonderful, even if he is channeling a certain British tv character.
Not as many people will think of CUTTHROAT ISLAND, which was a Geena Davis feature from 1995. Unfortunately, I didn't think much of the leading man (Matthew Modine as a pirate-guy hottie? No). But Davis's character reminds us that there were in fact female pirates. We like plundering, too.
There are lots more pirates out there than we think. When I was making my short list today, these were a few of the stranger ones that I wanted to pass along.
Google/youtube THE CRIMSON PERMANENT ASSURANCE, a short Terry Gilliam film that was shown before MONTY PYTHON'S THE MEANING OF LIFE. If you've ever wanted to see a hostile takeover literalized, to see old accountants defend their desks, this is the film for you.
Watching DODGEBALL also reminds us of how much we love pirates. Alan Tudyk's Steve the Pirate is no fun when he gives up his pirate identity. As silly as he may seem at first, we all wanted him to start saying his Rs in pirate style again. His reunion with his true self was a better ending than the deus ex machina (check it out—the chest literally says that).
My favorite recent pirate is Captain Shakespeare in STARDUST. Robert DeNiro is funny if perhaps a bit too campy (he apparently hasn't gotten the memo that most transvestites fancy girls). If I were going to be a pirate, I'd be called Captain Shakespeare. Or Captain Atwood. (Not Captain McCallister, as I don't want a pegleg.)
Arrr!
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Every other Wednesday
Dr. Karma discusses all things comic, from the classics to what may become classics. Laugh with, but not at, her, please.
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| Karma Waltonen |
Dr. Karma is a silly, nerdy know-it-all, but in a good way. She brings all her overeducation to discuss that which truly matters: comedy. As some famous guy once said: “And if I laugh at any mortal thing, ‘tis that I may not weep.” Or something like that.
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