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Mutants On Parade 09/03/09
by Lance Norris

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Lenny Clarke

Lenny Clarke
So, two thing I'm doing while I sit around and wait for something to happen A) I noticed that Lenny Clarke has never been the lead in a movie. This is wrong, so I wrote a screenplay for him to star in. I called his cell phone and left a message yesterday, but I haven't heard back.... And B) I've been going out on a lot of auditions.

When I say a lot, I mean every audition in town (well, not the ones from Boston Casting because that milk laden sow the runs the join has never once in twenty years called me in, but every other audition in town). Crappy Adam Sandler films. Crappy Student shorts. Crappy Kevin James films. Crappy internet stuff. Crappy Ben Affleck vanity projects and today I surprised even myself; later this afternoon I have to audition for a religious film being put together for The Latter Day Saints.

Like I told my wife, who am I to discriminate? If I can puke out some doggerel for RUN, SARAH RUN, why not some dogma as well? Of course, I'm jumping to conclusions. All I really know is the writer/director is Christian Vuissa, the Latter Day Saint behind FATHER IN ISRAEL, THE ERRAND OF ANGELS and BAPTISTS AT OUR BARBECUE. His movies don't cost a lot to make, which is a good thing because they don't bring in a whole lot of money either; but they are said to be 'good family films'.

That'll be something different for me.

Christian emailed me some sides yesterday, to prepare for the audition, and I'll share them with you in a moment.

The Character's name is Martin Harris, and since they called me in to read for him, I'm guessing he's a good looking son of bug, cocksure and full of vim. There's nothing in the sides to suggest otherwise.

INT. SMITH HOME-- NIGHT

Martin Harris turns to Joseph and takes him aside.

MARTIN HARRIS
Joseph, I heard there is someone waiting for you and you are planning to ask for her hand.

JOSEPH
That's right, Mr. Harris.

Martin hands him a bundle wrapped in paper.

MARTIN HARRIS
Here, so you look official.

Joseph rips the bundle open.

JOSEPH
(excitedly)
A suit? Mr. Harris, thank you. Thank you so much.

Joseph
Christian Vuissa

Christian Vuissa
spontaneously embraces Martin, who is a little bit taken aback by it.

MARTIN HARRIS
It's all right.

Joseph looks at Martin with gratitude. Martin pulls him closer. He whispers.

MARTIN HARRIS (CONT'D)
One last thing. Your father tells me that you will soon receive the plates. When the time comes, I'll be there to help. You understand?


Joseph nods. Martin lets go of Joseph and pats him on the back.


That's it. Those are the sides. Not a lot to work with but I'm a pro.

We can see that Martin doesn't like to be touched, however he must feel something for this boy, Joseph; he's given him a suit to propose in. We know that either Christian is a lousy writer or Martin speaks in a stilted manner for some reason. Let's give Christian the benefit of the doubt and try to figure out why Martin would say something as goofy as 'ask for her hand'.

Maybe it's Martin that is stilted, stuck in the past, living in a world he never made like Howard The Duck... Forget Howard The Duck. Why bum everyone one out now. You have an audition to get ready for.

Martin's feel of contact could be played for laughs, but I don't think that's the right tone for this scene. What really bother's me in those plates. What the hell is that all about?

Dishware, maybe some family heirloom? Body Armor? Maybe the River Plate in Uruguay. No, that's stupid. Use your context clues.

Home plate? Photographic plates? Tectonic plates? Vehicle registration plates! That's it. Maybe he's getting a new car... Na, why would be need Martin's help?

Wait a second, this is Mormon film. Joe Smith found the Golden Plates in 1823 and after they were translated they became the Book of Mormon. Of course!

Or it could be The Brass Plates that were retrieved by Nephi at the direction of his pops, Lehi. Or the Jaredite plates found in Limhi and abridged as the Book of Ether. The Latter Day Saints were into their plates.

This is all too deep for me and since it's only an audition, I'm going to pretend the plate in question is Christina Plate, the German actress. Hey, whatever works.

I'll let you know if I get the part.

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Ask a Bitter Man
Every Thursday

Lance Norris gives us his opinions on the state of film, vents about Hollywood, and generally lets his thoughts fly.


Other Columns
Other columns by Lance Norris:

Later On Croutons

Mutants On Parade 11/12/09

Mutants On Parade 11/5/09

Mutants On Parade 10/29/09

Mutants On Parade 10/21/09

All Columns


Lance Norris
Lance Norris, dubbed "Boston's only straight Film Critic" reviews movies for WZLX in Boston.

He has two books entitled Ask A Bitter Man: The Best of 1984 - 1999 Vol. 1 and I've Seen Better Film On The Teeth of Wolverines. which you can buy here


Contact
If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Lance Norris by clicking here.


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