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Mutants On Parade 08/20/09
by Lance Norris

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Cured Redford

Cured Redford
So, I'm sitting around the waiting room of Ben Afleck's production building waiting for my turn to be charming and I start to page through the trades:

Robert Redford announced that he'll be directing the historical drama THE CONSPIRATOR about the Lincoln assassination. Although James McAvoy is being looked at to play the dead president, Redford may very well cast himself as a bolt of leather curing on a rack, or a side of jerked beef.

Paris Hilton came out on top, which, as most of us know; is her favorite position. The dew-bags at Worldwide Entertainment Group tried to sue her for $8.3 million US in damages, claiming she didn't do enough to promote the film NATIONAL LAMPOON'S PLEDGE THIS!

Paris and Friends

Paris and Friends
all started because, as you know, Paris is a serious actress and she got very upset that there were nude scenes in the movie. Not Paris being nude (no one needs to see that again) but other women. In protest she snubbed the films premiere at the Cannes Film Festival, thus giving the movie more publicity than if she had actually shown up.

To be fair, I've never seen the movie. It is director William Heins first and last film. He didn't even direct the whole thing. Strath Hamilton, of MIGHT MORPHIN' POWER RANGERS fame, had to take over the post production. It was writers Anna Obropta and Cheryl Guerriero's first script, but with crackling dialog like this, you sure haven't heard the last of
Anne Frank

Anne Frank

Eddie Johnson: I don't understand why you are doing this.
Kathy Johnson: I just can't live with you anymore. So, I'm going back to college.
Eddie Johnson: But why do you want to move here when you live in Coral Beach? How many times do I have to tell you that I'm sorry?
Kathy Johnson: Sorry doesn't cut it. Ever since you decided to park your car in someone else's garage. And by car, I mean cock!
Daughter: Mommy, what's a...
Eddie Johnson: [interrupting] It's a rooster.

That's Preston Sturges good!

Here's the bottom line, and the judge seemed to agree; National Lampoon needs to stop making movies. It's not even a shadow of the same company that made ANIMAL HOUSE or the VACATION
David with a Bad Hat Choice

David with a Bad Hat Choice
movies. They sold the name a long, long time ago and it's become a clearing house for every piece of crap that can be produced for less than $500,000.

If a company can make me feel sorry for Paris Hilton, they need to stop whatever it is they are doing, stat!

David Mamet is writing the script for Disney's new Anne Frank movie? I can see it now:

"All attics smell vaguely of shit. It gets so you don't mind it. That's the worst thing that I can confess. You know how long it took? How long I had to stay. That ...thing? A long time. So what? You get befuddled by a middle-class morality? Get shut of it. Shut it out. You ever take a dump made you feel like you'd just slept for twelve hours?"

I can't wait!

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Ask a Bitter Man
Every Thursday

Lance Norris gives us his opinions on the state of film, vents about Hollywood, and generally lets his thoughts fly.

Other Columns
Other columns by Lance Norris:

Later On Croutons

Mutants On Parade 11/12/09

Mutants On Parade 11/5/09

Mutants On Parade 10/29/09

Mutants On Parade 10/21/09

All Columns

Lance Norris
Lance Norris, dubbed "Boston's only straight Film Critic" reviews movies for WZLX in Boston.

He has two books entitled Ask A Bitter Man: The Best of 1984 - 1999 Vol. 1 and I've Seen Better Film On The Teeth of Wolverines. which you can buy here

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Lance Norris by clicking here.

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