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Mutants On Parade 7/16/09
by Lance Norris

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From: Lance Norris
To: Young Actresses

Re: The nude scene

As we embark on our low budget horror/comedy, I would be remiss if I did not remind you all that state and federal law requires all nubile, young actress appearing in low budget horror/comedies to appear at least once with their tops off. Would that this were not the case, but it's the law. There really is very little I can do about this.

Take comfort as your bare your talent that the great Nancy Allen did a nude scene in CARRIE. Toni 'Oh, Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey, Mickey!' Basil was topless in EASY RIDER and Kathy Bates proved that big isn't always beautiful in AT PLAY IN THE FIELDS OF THE LORD.

Remember, Sean Young may be crazy, but she was crazy talented when she did her nude scene in LOVE CRIMES. Ditto for dopey old Debra Winger in SLUMBER PARTY '57. And just try to get Mimi Rogers or Marisa Tomei to keep her cloths on in a film these days.

What I'm saying is, if Gwyneth, Uma and Angelina have all done it, why are you thinking twice? Julie Andrews, ok? Mary freakin' Popins did a topless scene for her ex-husband's classic S.O.B.. What's hurt Cybil Shepherd's career more, her nude scene in THE LAST PICTURE SHOW, or gravity?

It doesn't even have to be full nude. Who didn't love Jacqueline Bisset getting on the boat in that white t-shirt in THE DEEP? Small loophole in the law, wet t-shirts count.

Of course, it will be tastefully done, it is an important part of the over all story, it shows your range and commitment as an actress and all the foreign investors want to stand around the set and watch the day we shoot your scene and I kind of promised them they could.

Just think where Joey Lauren Adams would be today if she hadn't done the nude scene in MALLRATS. Ok, that was a really, really bad example, but you get the idea.

Onward and upward,


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Jul 16, 2009 7:55 AM
[X] delete
Brilliantly done. Nice touch with Squeaky at the end.

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Ask a Bitter Man
Every Thursday

Lance Norris gives us his opinions on the state of film, vents about Hollywood, and generally lets his thoughts fly.

Other Columns
Other columns by Lance Norris:

Later On Croutons

Mutants On Parade 11/12/09

Mutants On Parade 11/5/09

Mutants On Parade 10/29/09

Mutants On Parade 10/21/09

All Columns

Lance Norris
Lance Norris, dubbed "Boston's only straight Film Critic" reviews movies for WZLX in Boston.

He has two books entitled Ask A Bitter Man: The Best of 1984 - 1999 Vol. 1 and I've Seen Better Film On The Teeth of Wolverines. which you can buy here

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Lance Norris by clicking here.

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