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New Rules for Hollywood
by Tim Josephs

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We'll be seeing a lot more of         all of you

We'll be seeing a lot more of all of you
Inspired by the "New Rules" segment of Bill Maher's show, I'd like to impose some new rules for Hollywood. A lot of these, as I'm sure you'll agree, are no-brainers and a long-time coming. And if I were in charge, you best believe they'd be put into effect immediately.

- No more TV show movies. I'll give you a little bit of a pass on old shows that we've become nostalgic for: The Brady Bunch, The Flintstones, etc. But you get no pass on the more recent shows. THE SIMPSONS MOVIE was okay and SEX AND THE CITY made a ton of money, but that's it. I don't want to see Everybody Loves Raymond the movie or, God forbid, a Friends movie. Enough.

- Two out of every three movies Salma Hayek makes she must be (somewhat tastefully) completely nude.

- Ditto for Penelope Cruz

- Ditto for Eva Mendez. (Basically if you're a hot Spanish chick, be prepared to appear in several of your films sans clothing.)

- Ben Stiller and Adam Sandler will have a fight to the death with weapons of their choice to determine which one gets to be the "angry-funny guy."

- No more remakes of good

movies. Did you really think you were going to improve on WILLY WONKA or THE PINK PANTHER? However, if the first film sucked (see any number of Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler movies) and you want to give it a go, knock yourself out.

- Speaking of THE PINK PANTHER, Steve Martin, until you find a good script, you cannot make another movie. I hate to say this because I'm a huge fan, but most of your recent stuff has been really, really weak. C'mon, we all know you're better than that.

- No more sequels past the first one. Because there have been some worthwhile second movies DIE HARD, TERMINATOR I'll give you one sequel but that's it. Historically the third movie in a series has sucked (see the two aforementioned films), so after number two, you're done.

- I'll make an exception for THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS series just to see where they're going with the titles. FAST/FURIOUS? FASTIOUS?

- George Lucas can now no longer have anything to do with movies except watch them on what I'm assuming is a pretty large TV.

- Ditto for M. Night Shyamalan

- Ditto for Eddie Murphy. (Is it just me or
You're done

You're done
does it seem like he's purposely trying to make bad films?)

- Oscar-contending films need to be dispersed throughout the year. Why are they all stacked up in December? Are most of the members of the Academy so old they can't remember the movies they saw in the spring? Also, if you want your film to be nominated, it has to have been playing in at least twenty-five states by December 31st. I'm tired of this New York and L.A. crap with the rest of the country getting to see the good films in March.

- Will Smith, no more lame sci-fi movies and heavy-handed dramas. There has to be other films for you to do. Hey, what about a Fresh Prince movie? No wait, you can't do that anymore. Oh well, I'm sure you'll come up with something, and if not, have a nice retirement.

- At least one major animated film a year has to be non-computer generated. The best animated films that come out each year are arguably the ones from Japan and they're still using the good ol' fashioned animation.

- Steven Spielberg's budgets will be cut by 95 percent. He is (or at least was) a great filmmaker and doesn't need a
Enjoy it while it lasts, Mr. McConaughey

Enjoy it while it lasts, Mr. McConaughey
billion dollars to make a good movie. He made one of the best films of all time with brilliant camera angles, a terrifying score, and an electronic puppet that didn't even work right half the time.

- For every day one of Matthew McConaughey's mindless romantic comedies is in theaters, that's one more day he'll be legally barred from using his Bowflex.

- Movies based on comic books have to be fun again. No more of this dark and depressing nonsense. You can make an entertaining movie without making moviegoers want to go kill themselves.

- Judd Apatow and crew need to expand their casting a little. Sure, some of those SNL/Office/Freaks and Geeks people are fine actors but c'mon, give someone else a chance. There's a recession going on and I'm sure there are a lot of hungry actors out there.

- On January 1st of every year, Ben Affleck and Nicolas Cage will draw straws to see which one gets to make a movie that year.

I'm sure I'll come up with some more but this is a good start. And if all these rules were enforced, wouldn't we all be just a little bit happier? I certainly know I would.

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Movie Musings
Every other Tuesday

Thoughts, observations, conjectures, complaints about movies and mostly how they relate to me personally. If you're looking for something a little broader, try Ebert.

Other Columns
Other columns by Tim Josephs:

So Long 2013, and MatchFlickers!

The Season for Peace, Presents, & Puncture Wounds

Women are Once Again Kicking Ass

Chewing the Scenery

The Greatest President We Never Had

All Columns

Tim Josephs
Born to write (literally much to the displeasure of his mother, he emerged with a pencil clutched in one tiny fist), Tim spends most of his days crafting epic monosyllabic poems, new comical titles to his favorite Beatles' songs (Hey, Dude), and angry letters to local businesses that have wronged him in some way. He's really an okay guy once you get to know him.

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Tim Josephs by clicking here.

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