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Mutants On Parade 1/15/09
by Lance Norris

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Predictions made on Jan. 15 2009

Sometimes they come in a dream. Sometimes a flash of inspiration. At times, after quiet reflection over a cup of coffee:

After early curiosity wains, an emaciated Patrick Swayze will just be a bit too hard for viewers to believe as an action hero and THE BEAST will tank in the ratings. This is especially bad news for TNT as they are rushing to get a second season in the can before he kicks. On the up side, ratings will spike the week he kicks, so they go that going for them.

After years of being out of the top ten, Chlamydia will make a big comeback this year among the American teens.

Human rights advocates will have kittens as soon as we learn in the next month that Ex-Gitmo detainees were implanted with micro chips to track their movements after release. The upside is this catch and release program will lead to the ferreting out of many terror cells.

Bernie Madoff will never spend any real time in prison as he will be killed by the Russian mob before he even gets to trial.

Jon Stewart's 4 year-old son Nathan will be crushed by the Knick's Quentin Richardson as the basketball player dives into the courtside seats for a loose ball. The normally agile Richardson will be off his game and a tad despondent over his former 'Roommate', Eddie Curry's, legal troubles and public outing.

Newly married Fergie will start packing on the pounds, a la Delta 'Airlines' Burke.

Kate Hudson will make Denise Richards look demure by comparison as she desperately tries to prove very public ally to anyone who will look that she is still sexy. It will get so bad a social service agency will look into removing her son from the home.

One of Jennifer Aninston's household staff, more than likely her full-time message therapist, will sell a very shocking tell-all story to a tabloid in the next couple of months.

And as the year catches up with her, the world will discover that not only can't she act, but Scarlett Johansson really isn't that much to look at either.

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Ask a Bitter Man
Every Thursday

Lance Norris gives us his opinions on the state of film, vents about Hollywood, and generally lets his thoughts fly.

Other Columns
Other columns by Lance Norris:

Later On Croutons

Mutants On Parade 11/12/09

Mutants On Parade 11/5/09

Mutants On Parade 10/29/09

Mutants On Parade 10/21/09

All Columns

Lance Norris
Lance Norris, dubbed "Boston's only straight Film Critic" reviews movies for WZLX in Boston.

He has two books entitled Ask A Bitter Man: The Best of 1984 - 1999 Vol. 1 and I've Seen Better Film On The Teeth of Wolverines. which you can buy here

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Lance Norris by clicking here.

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