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Mutants On Parade 12/18/08
by Lance Norris

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As always I greet the New Year with my predictions, but first let's go back and look at 2008. Please note: I have a better percentage of 'hits' than that foul shrew Jean Dixon every had.

For 2008 I predicted that:

Much to the chagrin of many the second coming of Jesus, the war of Armageddon, the arrival on earth of the Antichrist, the Rapture and the Tribulation will not happen in 2008, however things will heat well past the bubbling point in the Middle East with a rather benign event touch thing off, much like the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand did in WWI. Somehow the Flemish or another cold weather people are involved and France will look for someone to surrender to.

Saudi Arabia will use the $160 billion windfall from high petroleum prices to spread its silly Wahhabi form of Islam.

Osama Bin Laden will be captured in Greece.

The massive world event will take place in Jerusalem sometime in May. There will be a disaster of Biblical proportions.

Poisoned water in the Northeast of the US.

Massive floods north of Great Britain

Fidel Castro will die but Raoul will not succeed him. There will be a military take-over in Cuba, supported by the US.

XM and Sirius will merge.

Tivo and NetFlix will merge.

Mike Myers will make the worst movie of his career. M. Night Shyamalan will be exposed as the fraud filmmaker he is. Tom Cruise will put on a ton of weight and be a total asshole, but people will love him for it.

Google and Yahoo will both enter the video advertising marketplace, but Google stock will be way over-valued and I see some dark times ahead for them.

Wikipedia will be sabotaged by hackers that will make millions of subtle, small changes to the articles. In response Wikipedia will shut off anonymous edits and place other controls on changes. This restriction of access will lead to their demise.

New Orleans will for the most part not be rebuilt. The $25 billion in reconstruction aid promised by the Federal government will never arrive

There will be another wave of interest in Los Angeles art, especially in Paris.

Dead Pool will include: Liz Taylor, Tammy Faye Baker, Anna Nicole Smith, Abe Vigoda, Michelle Williams, Pinochet, Art Buchwald, Paul Newman, Nick Nolte, B.B. King, Bobby Fischer, Bozo The Clown, E. Howard Hunt, Kurt Vonnegut, Studs Terkel, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Mickey Rooney and Gerald Ford will all pass away

Odetta will pass, sparking a revival of her music and a major motion picture about her life in 2009.

Well, how did I do?

Much to the chagrin of many the second coming of Jesus, the war of Armageddon, the arrival on earth of the Antichrist, the Rapture and the Tribulation will not happen in 2008... and France will look for someone to surrender to. HIT!

Saudi Arabia will use the $160 billion windfall from high petroleum prices to spread its silly Wahhabi form of Islam. HIT!

Poisoned water in the Northeast of the US. HIT!

Massive floods north of Great Britain HIT!

XM and Sirius will merge. HIT!

Mike Myers will make the worst movie of his career. M. Night Shyamalan will be exposed as the fraud filmmaker he is. Tom Cruise will put on a ton of weight and be a total asshole, but people will love him for it. HIT!HIT! and HIT! (Cruise in a fat suit for TROPICAL THUNDER, who didn't love that?)

Google and Yahoo will both enter the video advertising marketplace, but Google stock will be way over-valued and I see some dark times ahead for them. HIT!

New Orleans will for the most part not be rebuilt. The $25 billion in reconstruction aid promised by the Federal government will never arrive HIT!

There will be another wave of interest in Los Angeles art, especially in Paris. HIT!

Dead Pool will include: Liz Taylor, Tammy Faye Baker, Anna Nicole SmithHIT!, Abe Vigoda,HIT! Michelle Williams,NEAR HIT! Pinochet, Art Buchwald,HIT! Paul Newman,HIT! Nick Nolte, B.B. King, Bobby FischerHIT!, Bozo The Clown,HIT! E. Howard Hunt, Kurt VonnegutHIT!, Studs Terkel HIT!, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Mickey Rooney and Gerald FordHIT! will all pass away

Odetta will pass, sparking a revival of her music and a major motion picture about her life in 2009. HIT!

So what will 2009 hold?

Massive legal problems for Nicole Kidman. They may or may not involve Aussie prime minister Kevin Rudd, but he will be involved in some very troubling behavior over the next year.

VIACOM will be forced to sell off more and more to try to keep afloat as Redstone's daughter runs the company into the ground.

The love affair is over and Clint Eastwood will be unfairly stiffed by the Oscars.

Boston will be a one newspaper town by the end of the year.

Curt Shilling, unfortunately, will not be playing professional baseball next year, but I do see him becoming an even bigger media whore than Ernie Boch Jr. if that is possible.

Texas coast will be beaten like a Axle Rose's girlfriend by a hurricane named after one of the Brady Bunch.

Bollywood will actually produce one film that doesn't suck and crosses over big time in US.

Blur will shock the world with a new album.

Obama will actually do a good job in his first year at the wheel, until he starts taking the advice of Shirley McClain and Hillary Clinton for some reason.

Killer snow this winter in the North East. New Hampshire will experience long period without power.

Paula Abdul will be forced into rehab and Tony Bennett will die on stage or on the way to gig.

Kanye West will unadvisedly run for office.

I just call them like I see them.

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Ask a Bitter Man
Every Thursday

Lance Norris gives us his opinions on the state of film, vents about Hollywood, and generally lets his thoughts fly.


Other Columns
Other columns by Lance Norris:

Later On Croutons

Mutants On Parade 11/12/09

Mutants On Parade 11/5/09

Mutants On Parade 10/29/09

Mutants On Parade 10/21/09

All Columns


Lance Norris
Lance Norris, dubbed "Boston's only straight Film Critic" reviews movies for WZLX in Boston.

He has two books entitled Ask A Bitter Man: The Best of 1984 - 1999 Vol. 1 and I've Seen Better Film On The Teeth of Wolverines. which you can buy here


Contact
If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Lance Norris by clicking here.


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