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Mutants on Parade 8/28/08
by Lance Norris

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A powerful bio-engineered soldier w/a heart of gold

A powerful bio-engineered soldier w/a heart of gold
I am not making this up! For some God awful reason, every now and again I find an email in my in-box telling me about the latest batch of screenplays that are out there, but for some reason no on has bothered to sew-up the rights to yet. I thought I might share a few of these soon-to-be-blockbusters with you here, so you can say 'I knew them when...":

BROTHERS-IN-ARMS: Thoughtful sci-fi action screenplay suitable for feature or show pilot. A powerful bio-engineered soldier attempts to break away from his clandestine origins and find peace with a beautiful human woman, only to be drawn into a conflict to save humanity against his war-mongering brothers. Contact: Dr J Steve Hides at Darkhorse.

Finally, a bio-engineered soldier with a heart of gold. I wonder who Dr. J sees as the star, Matt Damon or Marky Mark?

THE GREEN HORNET: Driven by the murder of a close friend and the realization that his media empire is infested with ruthless heroin smugglers, Britt Reid, as the crime-fighting Green Hornet and his human weapon Kato jump into action on a heart-pounding quest to rid the city of this mob once and for all. Film production rights belong to Original Film. Contact: Alan at The Green Hornet

So all I have to is grab those pesky rights to The Green Hornet from DC Comics and boy has Alan got the screenplay for me!

COUSIN HENRIETTA: Seven-page short. A florist couple in small Southern town sneak into cemetery at night to steal flowers to recycle, to disastrous results. Contact: at Cousin Henrietta R.I.P.

Let me guess: the graveyard was built on an ancient Indian burial ground and the couple have to spend the night in the caretaker's house, aided only by Davey Jones of The Monkees and three of the Harlem Globetrotters, to get the inheritance that Crazy Uncle Roy left them?

SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY: As the ship's wake churned below him and the New York City skyline grew smaller on the horizon, Robert Hadley knew he was leaving behind all he wanted and loved. Along with the body of the man he had killed in the morgue and whatever aftermath would follow. Contact: Joseph Les Phillips at Somewhere Along The Way.

Sounds more like
Why is this Raccoon on my head?

"Why is this Raccoon on my head?"
the manuscript to a first novel that should live forever in the drawer of a roll top desk rather than a screenplay that should haunt the malls.

I'M LOST: An eight minute story about a young boy lost in a big city, as told by a grandfather. He is returned to his home by a very unusual event. Teaches a lesson! Contact: Jerry Gold at I'm Lost!

Ok Jerry, show us on the dolly where the man touched you that made you write this screenplay.

PRO: A feature-length comedy. A beautiful but cynical sportscaster, forced to cover a professional miniature golf tournament, is torn between an old flame who wants to win the tournament and win her heart, and a one-night-stand who plans on stealing her heart and literally stealing the purse. Requires one single outdoor set! Contact: Muffy St. Kennedy at "Pro".

Cynical sportscaster? Where? They're all self-possessed drones, too busy clinging to their jobs to waste time with cynicism; but it does only need one set. Think of the savings.

THERMOPYLAE: Action-Drama, History, War genre. WGA registered 100 pages. This is no 300 comic book version of the famous Persian-Greek ancient battle. Written from the research and study of ancient Greek history and the writings of Herodotus. As told from the view of the 700 Greek Thespians who stood by their 300 Greek Spartan brothers to the death. Tagline: Show no fear, show no pain ... show no mercy. Contact: Richard Rone at Richard Rone

Thank God Richard has finally sucked the action and adventure out of the Persian War so we can get back to the dusty Herodotus roots!.

ONCE IN A DREAM: Del Stanton battles Proxymed corp. to stop the sale of Nocturna, a dangerous sleep aid. So why is he taking the pill? and what will it do to him? Come, journey from your inner mind to the edge of space. Contact: Ken Smith at Kenneth Smith

Other than Del's Feed and Farm Supply, does anyone actually know anyone named Del? I think it is just because three letter names are easy to type in the screenplay format and I'm guessing that after reading Ken's masterpiece of Phillip K. Dickering, no one will need a sleep aid

But back to movie that have actually gotten made:

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Ask a Bitter Man
Every Thursday

Lance Norris gives us his opinions on the state of film, vents about Hollywood, and generally lets his thoughts fly.

Other Columns
Other columns by Lance Norris:

Later On Croutons

Mutants On Parade 11/12/09

Mutants On Parade 11/5/09

Mutants On Parade 10/29/09

Mutants On Parade 10/21/09

All Columns

Lance Norris
Lance Norris, dubbed "Boston's only straight Film Critic" reviews movies for WZLX in Boston.

He has two books entitled Ask A Bitter Man: The Best of 1984 - 1999 Vol. 1 and I've Seen Better Film On The Teeth of Wolverines. which you can buy here

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Lance Norris by clicking here.

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