If Only The Poster Guy Had Directed The Movie |
|
It's never a good sign when a movie has to cancel their advance screenings, and that is just what has happened with THE HILLS HAVE EYES Splat Packer Alexandre Aja's new movie that opens on Friday, MIRRORS. The film, of course (he said with that condescending smirk of the geek in working the DVD isle at Target) is a remake of Sung-ho Kim's 2003 GEOUL SOKEURO (or INTO THE MIRROR), and yeah; I never saw it either, so who knows if it was any good to begin with. How-some-ever, be warned: MIRRORS is more than likely a film who's posters are much better than the actual film (but those poster are pretty cool).
I had planned to spend this column talking about MIRRORS, and the sadly under-appreciated and sorely under-talented Amy Smart, but the bastards at Fox have put an end to that, so I guess I'll just have to with installment number two of my Hollywood Glossary. This week: The Letter B!
B-MOVIE: A low-budget film with smaller stars that were often the most popular part of a double-feature.
BACK PROJECTION: or Rear Projection. A technique where live action is filmed in front of a screen that has background action projected on it. Often used for car scenes in old movies. Rear Projection is also the name for a short lived fad in which stars like Jennifer Lopez would show the debut screening of their newest film on their own huge asses, drive-in movie style. The fad fizzled when Michael Moore refused to shave his ass for the screening of SICKO and many critics were left wondering why the movie was set completely in a dense jungle.
BACKLOT: A large, undeveloped plot of land owned by the old movie studios for filming wilderness or scenes with huge sets. Also a great 
Amy 'Not-So' Smart |
|
place for Joseph M. Schenck to hide the bodies after Fatty Arbuckle went on another of his killing sprees.
BACK STORY: Events that happened before your story begins. Often actress will come to you and ask you about the characters 'back story'. Make sure you get at least a blow job off her before you say anything.
BARN DOORS: The metal flaps on the outside of lights that help focus the beam, or what you say to a producer after he comes out of his trailer and forgot to zip up after one of the PAs finished jerking him off in the sink.
BARNEY: Or blimp. A blanket placed over a camera, or an agent on set, to muffle the noise.
BASED ON A TRUE STORY: A film with at least one foot in the real world. Often people must get paid off before you can tell the story. "Inspired by a true story" means some of the names are real but you made the rest of the shit up.
BEAT: A term for a pause that actors will use to prove to you that they are acting.
BEHIND THE SCENES: Events that take place off-camera while making a film. Never as interesting as they seem.
BELOW-THE-LINE EXPENSES: All physical cost not included in the above-the-line expenses, like materials, trailers, music rights, hiding Fatty's victims...
BEST BOY: The chief assistant in charge of all the other gaffers and grips. AKA fucking brown nose. Hold over from the old days when the head electrician would bring his own son to the set to spy on the other crew members.
BILLING: or Top Billing, Equal Billing. Hollywood's way of measuring cock size, hence Rosie O'Donnell's top billing on THE FLINTSTONES.
BIO-PIC: A movie based on the life of a real person.
BIT PART: A small acting role, like a waiter or bartender, with very few lines.
BLACK AND WHITE: What they used to make good movies in.
BLACK COMEDY: A film that gives a critic the excuse to use the word 'macabre' in a review so they look smart.
BLACKLISTING: The reason Kathy Griffin can't get work outside of basic cable. At least that's what she says.
BLOCKBUSTER: They reason we all got into this industry. The tent pole from which we can all hang our hats.
BLOCKING A SHOT: Figuring out where the camera goes, and what the idiots in front of it are going to do.
BLUESCREEN: The process for making an old Harrison Ford move like a young Jackie Chan or Matt Damon move like a human.
BODY DOUBLE: An older actress sagging breast being replaced for the close up with some perky starlet's breast. Famous examples: Angie Dickinson in DRESSED TO KILL and Natalie Portman in GOYA'S GHOSTS.
BOLLYWOOD: Hipster term for Bombay's film industry. India was unable to build a nuclear bomb so she defends herself from invasion by producing hundreds of un-watchable films each year, which miss-guided college kids mistake for art. Of course, Bombay is now called Mumbai, so it should be changed to Mumbywood.
BOOKENDS: Scenes at the beginning and end of a movie, used as a framing device, to tie a film together.
BOOM MICROPHONE: That annoying fuzzy gray thing you find at the top of the frame in really bad, and not so bad movies. See: HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN, WAR OF THE WORLDS, TITANIC and NAPOLEON DYNAMITE. Be advised, sometimes when you see a boom mic in the scene it is the projectionist fault.
BOOM SHOT: A continuous single shot that take a number of angles and levels.
BOOTLEG: A great way to get DVDs before they 'come out' and an even better way to get DVDs that don't have those pain in the ass previews and commercials that companies like Universal make you sit through before the movie starts by disabling the FF or Menu option on the disc.
BOUNCE BOARD: A large piece of poster or foam board used to reflect light of the soft key or fill lighting. It's what your PD does when he's run out of ideas on how to get the shine off Amanda Peet's nose.
BOX-OFFICE: Number of actual asses in the seats. After the first weekend these numbers mean nothing.
BREAKDOWN SCRIPT: A detailed list of all the people, props and junk needed for a shoot on a day-to-day basis.
BUDDY FILM: A subgenre of action film where the repressed homosexuality bubbles to the top.
BUDGETER: Get to know them. They are the people that look at your script and figure out how much it will cost to shoot. One word from them and that great car chase through the Mall sequence that ends in a 62 car pile that puts the BLUES BROTHERS movie to shame, becomes a foot race in an empty field behind the Walmart.
BUMPER: The stupid logos that studios and production companies feel the have to run at the beginning of movies.
BAFTA: British Academy of Film and Television Arts. A clubhouse so the Brits could pretend to make movies too.
THIS JUST IN!!!!!: Richard Dreyfuss is suing his father over an $870,000 loan he claims was never repaid. His father is counter suing for half of everything the GOODBYE GIRL star owns in a palimony suit, claiming the two lived together for 18 years although they were never man and wife!
 email this column to a friend
|
| Ask a Bitter Man |
Every Thursday
Lance Norris gives us his opinions on the state of film, vents about Hollywood, and generally lets his thoughts fly.
|
| Contact |
If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Lance Norris by clicking here.
|
|
