I'm the smart one! |
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No, this is not an in depth article about the 1938 movie with Hepburn and Grant. I am actually raising a fifteen month baby and trying to keep my five movies a week habit. I've been jonesing to see a new movie so bad that I shake the baby instead of rocking her. (That was a joke, please don't email me. I have never shaken my baby. Chill). Well, folks. I am not doing so well. I am lucky to see a movie once a month, and that is a shame. Because a lot of things have changed in my life because of Micheal but giving up movies was one of the worst things that I had to do. So, I told myself I will not go down with this ship. I don't care if I have six children, I am not going to let this "puss n boots" stop me from following my passion. I always said I was going to strap her on my back and take her to the movies with me. I haven't done that yet, but the Summer Blockbusters are coming out. So, I am out looking for a Bjorn backpack. Yes, her name is Micheal, she is a girl and that is the correct spelling of her name. Can you please keep up and stop interrupting. I am trying to make a point here.
Where was I? How does a girl like me, with my Jimmy Choos, my Bitten Jeans and my Chanel bag wind up with a baby sitting at home watching FX, and feeding my Jack Russell kibble. Truly, I have lost my way. I should be going to movie premieres and screaming back and forth about what Quentin Tarantino wanted to prove with FOUR ROOMS? I'm currently changing diapers, getting spit up off my cashmere sweater and running after my blind diabetic dog.
Yes. I always wanted a baby, but I always wanted to write the great American novel or the biggest Blockbuster movie. I got about as far and getting ripped off by one of the cable networks for one of my ideas. But, hasn't everyone had something stolen from them by Hollywood? You can't even call yourself a writer if you have never written anything that has never been stolen. Am I right? Well, I must be dang good because I see a lot of my stuff on the big screen. I'm not bitter. I just need to get my stuff to the right people and not Max on the corner. I guess it's really my fault. I saw the movie AUNTIE MAME as a child all I wanted to do was grow up to be rich and take care of my nieces and nephew. Unfortunately, I followed the movie script too well. My nephew's mother did die and I did end up raising my nephew and incorporating him into my wacky lifestyle. For better or for worse.
So, it's been a hard transition from writing a weekly column to writing once a month to giving up my writing all together. I thought having a baby would just be an extension of me. That's what happened with Diane Keaton in BABY BOOM. She adopted a baby, made some baby food, found a husband and quit her job. Why couldn't that happen to me? Having a baby is an extension, but that extension cord doesn't lead you to the movies. I can honestly say that I miss my feet sticking to the floor, the smell of popcorn and jalapenos in the air. Yes, they sell jalapenos at my movie theater. You gotta problem with that! Like I was saying, I miss all of that. Sitting on the couch and throwing Act II popcorn in the air with my feet sticking to leftover tapioca pudding is just not the same. Mainly, I missed being the 'go to girl' for movies. There was a time when I could rattle off every movie that was playing in the Cineplex, dollar movie or that was coming out on DVD. Since the baby, my brain has turned to mush and all I know about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were that they were having more children. I had to do something. I had to see a movie. A real movie, not something playing at the dollar movie, preferably one that has only been out a few days not six weeks. I needed to see a BLOCKBUSTER. I WANNA LIVE! The kind of movie that brings everyone to the water cooler on Monday morning. I wanted to walk in Monday morning and exclaim,"I went to the movies!" Everyone would applaud me and hoist me up on their shoulders and wave and they would carry me to my cubicle. Well, that wasn't happening anytime soon so I started living my life vicariously through the movies.
I was given THE ULTIMATE GIFT in 2007 when Micheal was born in March. I was the baby of the family, still single (with no prospects in sight) having a baby. That went well. Because everyone was saying I needed to hurry up before it was too late. So I traded in my Manolos and Cosmopolitans for Easy Glider shoes and Similac! So here is basically my life in the movies.
HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS
The best way to describe our family is this movie. The holidays at the Wilder household are something to really appreciate. I can't wait to get home to see my family. But the joy is short-lived once I get home to my family and we all get together. It's like we are all fighting for attention from my mom, now that my father passed away. My mother is the same way. She makes this wonderful dinner and is so happy to see all her children and grand children together. The wonderment last until after the prayer, then we are all at each other's throat. Why do the men always get to eat in front of the television and the women have to sit in the dinning room? Why are we still giving the smaller children wine? Why do I always have to do the dishes, when I am the one that drove 16 hours to get here? Because we've always done it that way! Whatever, my family stinks and I wouldn't have it any other way.
KINGDOM COME
Why is it every time we attend someone's funeral there is always drama? It that a black thing or do other cultures always show out at funerals? Okay this is my family. We have the nice one, the one that thinks she's smart and always right, (that would be moi) the one that can't stay out of trouble and the one that always wants to fight. Of course the trouble one and the fighting one always want to hang out together. So there is always a fight and there is always trouble. Did I say were we at a funeral? Also, why are funerals just another term for family reunion for black folks? I mean, if someone doesn't die, I would never get a chance to see my cousins. Jeez. Okay we are neither the Cleavers nor the Huxtibles, but do we have to be The Simpsons? That reminds me of when my sister wore her Bart Simpson shirt to one of our family reunions. She sat down next to our pastor. When he asked her who was she..." I am Bart Simpson, who the hell are you? "I explained, to my mother's 
I was totally clueless in high school!!! |
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anguish, "That would be Reverend Reed." My sister laughed it off and offered him a beer. I just rolled my eyes. If you ever got up to go to church you would know who our pastor is. But, that's another movie entirely!
PET CEMETERY
I grew up in a house full of dogs. My grandmother had tons of them and so did we. So, it was natural for me to always have a dog. So when I got Toto, I wanted to stop living in an apartment and move into a house with a yard. Well, I found this beautiful house with a yard right next to a daycare. This would be a wonderful place for Toto and me. The house was two stories with a wraparound veranda. I couldn't wait to get into the house. Well, the first day as I was unpacking. Toto jumped out of the car, ran into the street and got hit by a car. I mean the first day. I hated that house. But, I kept thinking if I could just use voodoo to bring her back then everything would be okay. Well, I cried and prayed. But, Toto was gone. I only stayed in the house for a month. I couldn't sleep. I kept hearing Toto walking back and forth on the veranda. Needless to say, it was four years before I got my Jack Russell. She's has escaped the Grim Reaper for a number of years. So, here's to a few more good years before she's in the ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN sequel.
IN HER SHOES
Cameron Diaz is not one of my favorite actors. But, she played my sister really well in this movie. I am Rose and one of my sisters is Maggie. This movie was so my life that when it was over I sat and cried the rest of the night. I was just like Rose. I had put up with so much crap from my sister that I finally exploded. I was equally happy and sad. I had just kicked my sister out of my house for the last time. I let her use my car on Saturday night to "work." It was now Monday and she still hadn't returned with my car, nor was she answering her cell phone. I sat at after work for two hours waiting for her to come get me. I had to call my next door neighbor to pick up Micheal at the daycare. When she finally pulled up to my job, I quietly sat in the car. I didn't say one word until we pulled into the driveway. She had been talking non stop about why she was gone for two days. I blocked out every word she was saying. She walked into the house and there was dead silence. She was greeted with all her clothes in garbage bags sitting at the back door. I had packed her things and told her she had to leave tonight. She gave me some rehearsed story about she had no place to go. I said she needed to go back to wherever she was for the last two days. I sat smugly on the couch while she went through her address book to find a place to say. I nearly gave in, but within a couple of hours she was at a hotel (that a friend paid for) and out of my life. I can now say that my sister and I are both doing fine. Our relationship ceased to be based on her being a victim and me being her savior. She now realizes that she has to save herself. I am not saying that she still doesn't call from time to time when she is in trouble. But instead of bailing her out without question, now I give her options and other people to go to instead of me. It keeps our relationship on a fairly even keel, and spreads the love around to everyone else.
CLUELESS
I was totally clueless up until I was in college. I dated the most wonderful guys. I had a great childhood. They were all so sweet, so together and so gay. Okay that is as far as I can go with this. Some of my "boyfriends" are not officially out of the closet. I did learn that if any guy that I'm attracted to, has a better purse then me, I need to run the other way. No, I don't want to go shopping with you. I think you make wonderful eye candy and you're great to talk to. I know falling for a gay guy is so passé, but I did. Not once, but a couple of times. I didn't have a Gaydar in high school (duh) so I kept going out with the same kind of guys. I was well, clueless! Gay guys do provide a great service especially if you're a virgin and want a male's point of view. I had great fun with my gay boyfriends. They always showed up on time. They were well dressed, well mannered and always took me home unmolested. I could not say that for any of the straight males that I went out with during high school. Going out with straight men was more like a wrestling match, it still is. You want to have a good time, but in the back of your mind you know their main concern is getting you pinned to the mat!
CITY OF ANGELS
I lost my eldest sister in 1998. Her son knew I had stopped going to movies during her illness. It seemed that most of the movies that were out had a cancer theme. I just couldn't handle with the recent death of my sister. When CITY OF ANGELS came out, he recommended that go see it because he knew I was a huge Nic Cage fan. I figured if Jarrett recommended the movie, it would be a safe bet that the movies didn't contain any death scenes. I entered the theater so upbeat and I came out crying my eyes out. I remember it was a sunny day and I sat in the theater parking lot crying like a baby for about thirty minutes. I was drenched in sweat and tears and I completely ignored the people staring at me through me window. "Why?" I sobbed in the car. How could he send me to this movie when the main character died after I had just been to his mom's funeral? I called him up and asked him. He said he really didn't think of it in those terms. He just thought it was a good movie. I still can't watch this movie to this day. Yes, this was a great movie. But, it hit too close to home. I'll remember the movie fondly, but this film is not in my Nic collection. I was later in a movie with Andre Braugher but that is another day.
RAISING ARIZONA
This is the movie that gave me unhealthy ideas on how to get a baby. I loved this movie, the one Cohen movie that I could comprehend on the first try. I am neither an ex-con nor ex cop but I was childless. When Edwina yells,"H. I. I wanna baby." I knew we were kindred sprits. Plus, Edwina is my mother's name. Holly Hunter is from Georgia. I currently live in Georgia. I used to live in Oklahoma where the series Saving Grace is filmed. See where I am going with this? I have a baby. I didn't steal it. Okay. Let's forget this movie and move on.
FRIENDS WITH MONEY
Don't you just hate going some where and all your friends are just spending their money like there is no tomorrow, while you 
Me and the girls. |
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have to hold on to your cash like a leper? Well, that was me. All my friends were apartment-dwellers and I bought my house at a young age. So, while I was paying mortgage, a car note and daycare, my friends were running tabs at our local hang out. I never felt really bad because I didn't drink and was usually the designated driver. But, when all the girls were showing up with new purses and trips to Italy, then I began to have a problem with it. The most insulting part is when people would buy my drinks or pay for me to get into a certain club. I didn't want their hand outs. I knew they wanted me to have a good time and I was. I just couldn't go out every night for happy hour like I did in the past. RAISING ARIZONA was getting very expensive, and I knew it would be. I could sacrifice the going out and partying, I just didn't want to give up my shoes and all my purses. It's rather hard to carrying around a baby in four inch stilettos and a clutch purse. So, as I mentioned earlier I had to make some fashion changes. My heels got lower and my purses got bigger. I tell you Liz Claiborne makes some wonderful purses with side pockets that can be used to hold bottles. They also have an inner pocket that I use to hold diapers and wipes. Hey, who said motherhood can't be fashionable. Thanks Liz!
SEX IN THE CITY
Don't even get me started! Anyone that knows me and my girlfriends know that we all relate to this movie and to the series. Who am I? Well, it depends on what the situation is. I think all four of us think we are Carrie Bradshaw at any given time. But, we all know that the diva in the group is Kelly. The only thing that she has in common with Carrie is that all the attention is on her. If you hang around me long enough you will notice that I morph into all the characters. When I am taking care of Micheal, I fall into the Charlotte role. When I am having men problems, I tend to whine like Miranda. I write like Carrie with pure abandon. Okay, I am a long way from Samantha except for our taste in men. I do like my men young. Shame on me! My girlfriends and I live out our lives in Atlanta in our pursuit of finding that perfect relationship. It seems to have escaped us all except for Liz. She's been dating this cool guy for a year. He wants to move in but he's been dragging his feet on the engagement ring. Eileen has been married two times and is only going to marry for money. Kelly is blonde; enough said. Then there is me. I am not as active as I used to be, but I hold my own. Like Charlotte, I still believe in true love. I am generally happy every day and I wish the best for my friends. We like to get together just to hang and catch up with everyone's life. Kelly moved to D.C. so the girls were split up.She moved back to Atlanta just in time for the movie to come out. Her timing was impeccable as always. No one is getting married. Although, a physic did tell Kelly she was going to marry a man she met at speed dating in August.
RUNAWAY BRIDE
If ever there was a movie that reflected my life this was it! Yes, I've been engaged a couple of time. I have the rings to prove it. But, I always ran for the hills when it was time to actually take the plunge. I had three sisters that married three roommates. When I came of age, my dad wanted to send me to work at the same mess hall where my sisters found their husbands. I said, "No way!" Maybe if I had listened to my dad, I wouldn't be an "old maid" now. I just felt marrying some old fart from the air force base was not cool. Now, that doesn't seem so bad. I just never wanted to settle. I never have fantasies of some prince coming to rescue me. I was having a great time being single. Why would I want to be rescued from that? So, time went by and I woke up unmarried. That really didn't bother me until I found out my best friend was marrying my ex. When I called to inquiry about this ridiculous notion, I was told they were both getting older and lonely and it seemed the right thing to do. Ladies, I thought there was an unwritten rule about dating your best friends' ex boyfriend. And no this is not MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING. Why? Because I am not the one stealing the groom! I was invited to the wedding but I decided not to go. I couldn't find an escort in time for the wedding (THE WEDDING DATE) I guess I could be one of the WEDDING CRASHERS if I had the right pair of shoes. I still have time because she is going to be an October bride (whatever). I may still have some anger issues to work out by then.
MEAN GIRLS
There were a lot of mean girls growing up. They have grown up and followed me to my workplace. I have always been an OUTSIDER. I grew up overseas and came back to the United States with a weird hairdo and an accent. Everyone thought I talked funny. I thought it was called proper English. It was just another reason my older sisters wanted nothing to do with me. My sisters wore cool clothes and talked really hip. I was still sporting afro puffs and faded jeans. Somehow I made it through high school, with the help of my best friend, Fred. Having him as a friend then a boyfriend was the highlight of going to school. The mean girls even voted for me as one of the class officers my junior and senior year.
300
No, I am not King Leonidas fighting the Persians. 300 is the weight I will tip the scales at if I don't stop eating my child's leftover baby food. I was raised in Greece and I feel a kinship to all things Greek. I want to clear up something. It doesn't snow in Sparta. I lived in Athens for years. It snowed one Christmas for about two minutes but that was it. I had a great childhood growing up in the ruins and camping in Crete. Luckily, I had a dad that loved to travel and took me along on his excursions. My interest in history started with an archeology dig outside my 6th grade class. I was certain that I was going to uncover some great find and my family was going to be rich. I uncovered a candy wrapper and a dog bone!
THE MATRIX
I am the domi-matrix. Oh! Sorry, I forgot were I was. Keanu Reeves is my husband. You know I named my niece after him. Her name is Keanna. This movie sent my adrenaline pumping. When Trinity first steps out in her leather jumpsuit, I thought I had died and gone to leather heaven. She rolls down the stairs and says, "Get up Trinity. Get up!" The bad guys are in hot pursuit behind her. I've said that phrase every morning for the 
Me in leather |
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last fifteen months. "Get up Monica." I am basically a night owl. I enjoy late night television watching once the baby is asleep. So, getting up at five a.m. is like Neo. I lead a double life. I slave at work during the day on a computer in a wasteland of machine like managers and at night and I am mom. I know there is something more out there. But, I look out my window and wish the day away until I can get home to my child. Every now and then I open my closet and look at all the leather going to waste and wondered if my daughter is too younger for a leather onsies.
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
I went to this movie on a dare from my next door neighbor, Bruce. I hate scary movies because I tend to imagine that every monster is out to kill only me. In THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS when Buffalo Bill was only killing girls that were a size sixteen, I quickly slimmed down to a size fourteen. Catch this skinny chick now suckers! Okay. So I went to this stupid movie and I got sick from the camera jerkING all over the place. I couldn't sleep for months because there is a field behind my house with a primate center and I swear I could see the light from the Blair witch coming after me whenever I fed the dog. This went on for weeks until I invited my neighbor over my house to witness this event in person. THE BLAIR WITCH was actually the reflection from the microwave as it hit the back door. This anomaly only happened whenever I fed my dog.
I've seen vampires in the house. My baby monitor can signal aliens attacking and I am sure there is a small Japanese girl in my attic. I've become accustomed to seeing or hearing strange things around my house. I usually just put up a fresh string of garlic in the kitchen or hang another cross on my wall. Before Micheal, I could just jump in bed and hide under the covers. Now, I have to make sure she's safe in her crib and nothing is crawling in her window. So, each night I check under her bed and close the closet door. It's really never too early to protect her from the undead. I also have set aside a small fortune for her therapy bills.
DISTURBIA TO DISNEY
I've never watched my neighbor get killed from across the street. But, my movie selection will begin to expand to more Disney videos as my daughter gets older. I've always gone to Disney and Pixar films. Now, I have more of a reason to be in attendance. My little girl is growing up. Although she watches Law and Order because of the deep male voices, I think taking her to R-rated movies a little much even for me. My tastes are not going to change. I just have to include more child friendly movies in my repertoire. This really won't be that hard because I am really just a kid myself.
You know I could go on and on about all the movies that have either influenced me or seem to detail my life, but all of us can do that. That's one of the reason we want to watch movies over and over again. We relate to them. Movies can take us away from our pain or they may even bring us closer to our pain so that we can recognize it as pain. Whatever the reason movies show us reality and fantasy. So, why do you go to the movies? It seems like my life is a screwball comedy but there are times when I actually feel my life is a movie. Things happen to me that no one would believe were true. I am just like you. There is something up there on the screen that I relate to on a daily basis. I am driven by the same force that drives directors to direct and actors to actor. I just happen to write about those experiences. As you read more of my reviews, you will see I put a lot of myself into them. I usually mention either my friends or my family. I told my family years ago; don't be surprised if you show up in one of my weekly columns. I always tried to be delicate when I mention someone I know. My pastor was my editor and my column came out in the church paper. There were some shocked old ladies at first, but name dropping every now and then kept me from being excommunicated. Pretty soon, everyone was used to my style of writing and the way I spun a story. I'm pretty proud of those days. You can tell a lot about a person by the movies they like.
I gave up my column when Coretta Scott King died. I stood in the freezing cold for three hours to see her lying in state. I was sick for a week. I just couldn't justify writing articles about movies while I witnessed the ending of an era. I am just now picking up pen and paper again. I gave up the one thing that brought a lot of joy to me. Those were dark days. I missed my sister, my dad and my best friend Fred. All three died too sooner and they will be greatly missed. I know now that I have to live my life for me. Yeah, I was bummed for a while but THAT WAS THEN THIS IS NOW. (Yes I know, I know).
So, what is in store for me going forward? I don't know. I want to raise a healthy child, find a good man and retire to a mud ranch in Oklahoma. All that goes on in between depends on what Spielberg and Bruckheimer have in development. Everyone says I need to end this on a happy note. This is a happy note. I am living the life that I am supposed to live. It may not be as glamorous as some of the movies I've seen, but I am getting there.
Stick around and we will take this ride together. I know there is more in store for me. I may be moving back to Oklahoma from Atlanta. That will be a culture shock. Micheal is growing up every second of the day. Asta still can't see, but she's a great watchdog. What more could I ask for? I know it would be nice to get married and have the 2.5 kids, the dog and the picket fence. I am almost there. I just have to get out of the movie theater and actually go out on a date. The last few guys that I dated and were straight only wanted to sit at home and play video games. I was always in the kitchen cooking and they were always complaining about something. I thought I was clueless. Hey you men out there. Here's a tip. I am good for more then three things. Cooking is only one part of my personality. If you plan your cards right you may get to see me in something other then khakis and loafers.
So, here's to looking forward to a lifetime of movies in my life and my daughters'. I know some will bring me joy and some may bring me pain. I look forward to seeing where my Karma train is going to stop next.
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| Wilder Napalm |
Every other Tuesday
An explosive perspective on movies and how they shape my everyday life.
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| Monica Wilder |
Monica is a freelance writer and playwright living in Atlanta.She is raising her daughter to appreciate life and movies. She is currently working on a book.
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