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My Month As A Teenage Girl
by Xavier Jones-Barlow

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Literally, so lame.

Literally, so lame.
It's like totally dumb. I can't believe Susan and Gail and Nikki are still going on and on about SEX AND THE CITY, I keep telling them, it's like, totally lame. But did you see that though? It was so funny when Samantha was reading Rhonda Byrne's 'The Secret' - a book Susan just won't shut up about - and she chucked it over her shoulder in disgust, I almost vomited on the couple snogging in front of me 'cause I was trying not to laugh. To think, her hero, dissing the book she like, worships. That'll teach her for the blatantly bitchy remark about you-know-who and you-know-what. And then she's all like, 'Did you get that Lizzie', 'Did you like, understand that Lizzie?' and I'm like, 'Yeah I totally read the book innit... I have read all of Candice Bushnell's stuff, can you read Susan? Can you?' and she's like, 'As if'. She made herself look like a complete lemon, but everyone still wants to like, be her Puppy or something. Of course I naturally did not tell anyone that I understood the book as much as I understand the film, surely this is the sort of stuff peoples mothers should be watching, I mean, they all want to get married and stuff! Only ancient people think about stuff like that and I don't intend to be ancient for a very, very long time!

Oh my god! There has been like nothing to watch at the cinema this week, it's all stuff for guys. Like I'm going to care if the hulk is incredible, like yeah, Ed
Totally, so Awesome

Totally, so Awesome
Norton is hot an' stuff, but he looked so skeezy in the trailer. Now if that CGI green thing was as hot as muscle-bound Norton in AMERICAN HISTORY X, I would so totally be in the front row. All the guys are going nuts about this comic book film, WANTED. Jeez, what is it with all these comic book adaptations? Lee and Jim and Andy are like, 'This is different though innit, it's not like Spiderman or Superman, he's a bad guy'. Andy like, totally pressured me to read this comic and it's like Soooo gross. Rape this, kill that...it's disgusting, and he's like, 'But it's written by a Scottish guy, who was here like, two weeks ago or something'. I don't get it; even Charlotte and Nikki are going on about the film 'cause James McAvoy is in it, why do people get Sooooo worked up when somebody from Scotland gets famous? I mean, like really, is James McAvoy that great? Just because he's a Scot doesn't make him all that. I figure the guys just wanna see this movie because that skank Angelina Jolie is in it. So lame.

I like, totally watched THIRTEEN the other night. And I'm like, get a grip girl! Are all American girls like that? She was like totally minging at the end, I would rather snog Lance Black than be caught freaking out like that.

I can't believe Zara put me on her favourite list on MySpy, that is like so cool, Zara is sooo awesome, when I'm twice my age, I hope I am like, half as cool as her. So like,
Like, I Soooo cannot wait!

Like, I Soooo cannot wait!
Matchflick is now on Facebook! That is totally cool; the movie quiz is like, sooo hard though. They're like questions on films I never heard of!

I have totally read 'Twilight' for literally the gazzilienth time this week, it is sooo cool. I needed an excuse to read it again and I like, came across the trailers on some website. It's so unfair! Why do they show us the trailers and the pictures like a half year before they release the film, I can't believe I have to wait 'till December to see it. 'Twilight' by Stephanie Meyer is easily the best book in the world, it is sooo romantic. The chick from INTO THE WILD and JUMPER (although not that ho from the O.C.) is playing Bella, which is OK I guess. Even though I always see myself as her, I reckon I'm prettier than that Kristen girl. Aren't I? The guy playing Edward was the same guy who played Cedric in the last HARRY POTTER films; he does look awesome in the pictures though. I guess you could never get someone as dreamy as Edward in the book, but I can always hope!

So this totally sucks. I've been like a fifteen year-old girl for nearly a month now and it has mostly been awesome. But now I have to go back to being a dull, hairy thirty-two year-old male, who reads books by people whose names I can't pronounce and watches rubbish foreign films. Being a boy is like, totally lame.

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Xavier's Book Club
Every other Saturday

Xavier analyses film, literary. A bizarre melding of books and movies.

Other Columns
Other columns by Xavier Jones-Barlow:

Mr Jones and the Shame of the Spolier Scolls

Fragment: Consider Revising.

Proof Reading The Movies #1

The Cinematic Chicken And The Literary Egg

Indifferent Imaginations

All Columns

Xavier Jones-Barlow
Xavier lives in Scotland where it is very cold. He spends his time writing about live bands and people dreamt up in his bizarre imagination. Quite huggable .

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Xavier Jones-Barlow by clicking here.

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