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"Once" upon a Sunday...
by Christa Cannon

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Her life really IS rosy!

Her life really IS rosy!
I watched the Oscars on Sunday, as I do every year. But where were you? I know you weren't watching, because the ratings were dismal! Luckily for you, I take notes every year. (Yes, I really am that much of a dork!) I will gladly fill you in on everything you missed!

Things on the red carpet started a little oddly, with Gary Busey mauling Jennifer Garner and Laura Linney. I think Jennifer Garner was scared for her life...if you saw Gary Busey coming at you, you'd probably be scared, too! Ryan Seacrest kept making the cameraman pan out to show another interviewer hanging out behind the bushes near Seacrest's crotch. I never quite figured out what he was doing there, but I gathered he kept asking who everybody was. But if I had to hear "Crotch Cam" one more time, I was going to scream!

The ladies all looked so gorgeous, but everybody played it safe this year. For the most part. My favourite look was actually Helen Mirren--always a goddess! It was nice to see Diablo Cody being herself, wearing a leopard print dress with a slit up to here and skull and crossbone earrings. AND a tat on her arm! It's no Cher circa...ummmm...pick any year! But it made a nice change from all the plain, boring, one-shouldered red gowns.

Keri Russell was the unfortunate actress chosen to answer a young boy's question: "Do I really need to learn math?" The look of horror on Keri's face was priceless, and the first words out of her mouth were "Oh, no." Which tells me she was about as good as I was in that subject. She skirted around the question, knowing that she'd have to lie because all kids need math. Well, that's what they told me, anyway. I still don't really know why. I haven't found a use for algebra myself. "X" can stay hidden, for all I care.

Jon Stewart was a fantastic host! I really do miss Billy Crystal's music montages at the beginning of the show, but Jon Stewart was so incredibly funny... he welcomed us all to the "make-up sex" after the strike, for goodness' sake! Another
A queen and her knight.

A queen and her knight.
"Oh, no he di'int!" moment: After acknowledging NORBIT's nomination for Best Make-Up, he said, "Too often, the Academy ignores movies that aren't good." I lost it at that point!

Which brings me to something else...I kept reading the day after about how out-of-touch the Academy is...how no one watched the show because no one's even heard of the movies, much less seen them. How can that be? These movies have been all over the place! Granted, you really have to pay attention to when some of them are in your town... but...who hasn't heard of these?! I realize I am pretty obsessed and read about upcoming films months in advance. I guess I just didn't realize how much the "good" movies are ignored. (That was said with tongue in cheek--don't roll your eyes!)

Marion Cotillard's win for Best Actress was well-deserved. I practically jumped out of my seat, I was so excited! The film itself (LA VIE EN ROSE) wasn't spectacular, but her performance was nothing short of breathtaking. I think she had one of the best speeches of the night: "Thank you, Life! Thank you, Love! It is true there are some angels in this city!" People who are excited to win awards make me happy. Because when I win my Oscar, I'm going to be bursting at the seams!

Another fantastic win was Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova for Best Song, "Falling Slowly." You may recall that a couple months ago I said that ONCE had better be nominated, even if it was only one nomination, for Best Song. I knew they would win, and I'm so glad that more people have now had the opportunity to hear their gorgeous music. Maybe people will go watch the film now! Glen Hansard "tank"ed us a lot--love the accent! He also told us to "make art!!!" Excellent. But when Marketa got to the mic, the musicians cut her off. She barely got out a "Thank you" before being escorted off the stage. In the classiest move I have seen in a long time, Jon Stewart brought her out after the commercial break to give her speech. Brought a tear to my eye. Jon Stewart then told

us that Glen said to Marketa about their Oscars, "Let's make them kiss!" She protested, saying they were both guys...and Glen insisted that "it's Hollywood!" I don't know if that's true or not, but this picture makes it look like a true story!

Perhaps one of the best moments, though, was Josh Brolin and James McAvoy spinning. Yes, spinning. It cheers me to no end...watching straight, white, non-dancing males do a little twirl on stage! It's funny to me to see Josh Brolin take on roles like these. I had a huge crush on him as Brand from THE GOONIES. I always wanted to be Andi!

Oh! This is the best moment: Helen Mirren announces Daniel Day-Lewis as Best Actor and when he gets on stage, she knights him with the Oscar! Friggin' awesome. He said that would be the closest he ever got to being knighted, but I somehow doubt that. He'll drink all the queen's milkshakes, if she doesn't.


I thought Denzel Washington could never look bad. But seeing him bald changed my mind!

Also, what was Tilda Swinton wearing? It looked like a black crushed velvet sheet! All it needed was a painting of Elvis plastered on the front.

I told you Renee Zellweger smirks a lot.

Complaint: no scenes from the Best Pic nominees?! C'mon, I look forward to that!!!!!!! I could have done without the binocular montage so I could watch clips from each movie. *sigh* But the binoculars were pretty funny!

The other thing I should probably mention (though it should come as no surprise): all four acting awards were given to non-Americans. I don't know why this is such a big deal, but everyone keeps talking about it! I guess it is a little unusual...

In short, there were many touching moments, Jon Stewart kept us all laughing, and for the most part, the people who won an award definitely deserved it.

I guess that's about it for this year. Maybe next year you'll see me out on that red carpet. But you'd better watch the broadcast, or I won't thank you in my acceptance speech.

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Cannon Fodder
Every other Thursday

Stream-of-conscious ruminations on whatever pops into Christa's head.

Other Columns
Other columns by Christa Cannon:

Summer Madhouse...oh, I mean "Magic."

The Perils of Errol

Deja Vu...

Steeee-rrrrike Two!

Wait...this isn't a comedy?

All Columns

Christa Cannon
Christa would prefer to live in a world where everyone breaks out into song and dance. Um, and also one in which she is rich and very famous.

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Christa Cannon by clicking here.

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