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Selective Santa
by Xavier Jones-Barlow

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Shaun! Plasticised!

Shaun! Plasticised!
It is very much Christmas. Everybody is going bonkers over here and it is hard not to get swept up in it all. The other day a Robin jumped on and off my shoulder which I admit, did give me a pang of festive cheer. Other than that I am trying my best not to be too season-esque, the universe may collapse in on itself, and we wouldn't want that happening. So while I am aimlessly ambling around high streets and shopping centres in a DAWN OF THE DEAD fashion and all the other folk are running around in foaming frenzies, DAWN OF THE DEAD (remake) stylee, I have been given the opportunity to ponder what I would get everybody if I had the time and resources. And this certainly includes some of my Matchflick colleagues and friends, this is what I came up with.*

ZOMBIE BOY

OK, so I have no idea what this mans DVD collection is like. Sure, it is probably predominately horror with an unhealthy splattering of kid's films. What I mean is I don't know what he has and hasn't got. So buying him a 'shiny little disc' is not really an option. I wouldn't want to take him to see a festive film either, mostly because I feel people would see us and the world would get the wrong idea. But it is pretty easy. Paul gets a SHAUN OF THE DEAD action figure. The beauty of this is if I cannot find one to send him, I would just send him mine.

ZARA

What could I possibly even consider getting the movie queen herself? A book. Probably.

EMMA

When SPIDER-MAN 3 came out we both got
The night out with Miss Johnston cost Spidey an arm and a leg.

The night out with Miss Johnston cost Spidey an arm and a leg.
very excited and screamed like little girls. In the summer I gave her a whole bunch of my old Spider-Man comics that I had apparently already sold on E-bay. Whoops. It would be silly to break the theme. Even though it would be enjoyable to see Emma in Spider-Man undies, a la Diaz in CHARLIES ANGELS, I think I should play it safe and just get her the trilogy box-set. Just because the cover looks cool.


MARIE

Ain't she pretty! Ain't she sweet! What could I possibly do for such a young and clever young lady, who sends me such endearing and lightly thought provoking wee messages? Well I think it is about time, the best thing I could do is come over there and sort out this writer's strike nonsense. It has gone on long enough and it is starting to upset people. I am quite the diplomat don't you know, and if diplomacy fails I would take everybody down the pub. I'm sure I could have it sorted in no time.

TONY

Awww, I miss Tony. His columns really entertained me. Full of enthusiasm and mildly cheeky to boot. I don't actually know this guy; at best we have just exchanged a few e-mails. But I feel that as he has given me a few bursts of joy over the last year and the least I can do is show my appreciation. Completely at random I have chosen to give him the ANCHORMAN/OLD SCHOOL boxset, and pray he does not have them already.

TIM

I would have to get the 'boss man' something; it is not as if I can leave apples on his desk. In light of the revelation that taking somebody to the cinema is a perfectly good present, I would take him to a bar; explain
Och! I'll take wan of thos wee gold fellas, or a date wiv tha' Christa Lass

Och! I'll take wan of thos wee gold fellas, or a date wiv tha' Christa Lass
why the SHANGHAI KNIGHTS quote is slightly inaccurate. Encourage him to have a couple of Buds and then skip down to one of your huge multiplex thingies and catch AVP: REQUIEM. Because I know we are both looking forward to it, and it does seem like a 'boy's night out' film. Should be fun.

CHRISTA

Christa is really easy. With her mild obsession with all things British, and her inconsolable weakness for Scottish accents I would take her to see ATONEMENT this weekend. And for added effect I will speak in my own special brand of North-West highland, which I have been working on recently. At the very least it will be very funny.

*All these presents are entirely virtual and in reality nobody gets nothing.

This brings me nicely onto my conclusion. Christmas is also the period when Oscar buzz reaches term. This is the time of year when rumours and speculation start to simmer to the surface of movie talk. So here is my present to each of you. Placer a wager with any reputable online betting firm, or indeed with a friend or colleague. I have seen the future and I am pretty certain that a certain Mr. James McEvoy is going to be winning one next year. His performances in LAST KING OF SCOTLAND and the aforementioned ATONEMENT simply cannot be ignored and I just have this niggling feeling that, for the first time in twenty years, a Scot is going to win one of those little gold dudes. You heard it here first. Mark my words.

In the meantime I hope everyone has a safe and stress free Christmas. More so, I hope you have a riotous and unhinged New Year. Cheers.

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Xavier's Book Club
Every other Saturday

Xavier analyses film, literary. A bizarre melding of books and movies.


Other Columns
Other columns by Xavier Jones-Barlow:

My Month As A Teenage Girl

Mr Jones and the Shame of the Spolier Scolls

Fragment: Consider Revising.

Proof Reading The Movies #1

The Cinematic Chicken And The Literary Egg

All Columns


Xavier Jones-Barlow
Xavier lives in Scotland where it is very cold. He spends his time writing about live bands and people dreamt up in his bizarre imagination. Quite huggable .



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If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Xavier Jones-Barlow by clicking here.


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