Candy canes and twinkling lights - and Lithgow swindling an elf. Christmas! |
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Act I: Camera pans, revealing little people with big dreams copious amounts of tinsel and pine in background.
Enter corporate/lawyer/evil entity intent on ruining the little peoples' lives.
Act II: In addition to battling the Big Bad, the protagonist must also confront a loved one's sudden case of cancer.
Act III: Through the magic of carolers and Santa, the day is saved; the cancer, eradicated.
And there you have it folks every Christmas movie ever made!
I'm only kidding.
But some people wouldn't be.
I hear from my peers (I would say "peeps", but I'm afraid I don't have any of those, for fear of biting into a peppermint one), that Christmas movies are utter rot. People will make this sweeping declaration with such gusto, one would think they actually believe themselves. Granted, I could tirade about this pet peeve of supposed film fans disavowing any category of films, given any genre but considering that well more than one "Christmas movie" would make my top hundred of all-time favorite films, this penchant for kicking aside yuletide celluloid needs to be addressed.
So, you don't like Christmas movies. Ah. So, you don't like SCROOGED? Eh? A CHRISTMAS STORY didn't light the star on your tree? Nothing funny about the Griswald family's Christmas catastrophies? Really?
See what I mean?
Why are people so hell bent on making me cynical during the holidays? It should be simple. Learn to drive, don't take up fourteen parking spots at the mall because you can't quite figure out how to maneuver that big circle in front of your chest... don't run the snowmobiles through my ditches (no, I'm not being pervy)... don't put the leftover candy from last year on the shelves... don't play that horrible Richard Simmons song about how fattening the holidays are sugar cookies are good. And turkey tastes good, and if I want to weigh 500 pounds come New Year, that's my prerogative.
And don't knock all the Christmas movies. Sure, there are clunkers out there; and there are some that could only aspire to, many years from now, once the din of their ineptness has faded, to be considered a clunker. Certainly though, there are plenty of articles on this big, world wide web to direct people around the sour ones.
... aren't there?
Well then, rather than bellyache, perhaps I should make myself useful. Let's start at the top:
IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE:
Had you going there, for a second. Everyone already knows everything their head could possibly be filled with about a man's near suicide and the angel who intervened. Will say this, though for all the mention this film gets, I *never* see it offered up on any channel. Seriously, I haven't seen this on cable in years. Perhaps it has become such stereotype of the holidays, every channel wrongly assumes every other channel is running it. Strange.
SCROOGED, NATIONAL LAMPOONS CHRISTMAS VACATION, A CHRISTMAS STORY, etc:
As much as I love them, I don't need to see any of them this year. Nor next, most likely. Well, except A CHRISTMAS STORY. I need to hear twenty-four hours of the reoccurring dialogue, or it just isn't Christmas.
I'll concede this much: no other Christmas movie is going to rank with SCROOGED. It's like saying no other zombie flick is going to be BRAINDEAD. True, yet, a generous margin for highly enjoyable films still remains.
One thing the outright favorites of the season don't address, yet many of the clunkers do, is the idea of Santa Claus being real. Hands down, SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE does this best. Beginning with the backstory of a toymaker who unwittingly fulfills a prophecy and becomes Santa, as he and his wife, and their two reindeer feat the weather every year to deliver toys to local children, then end up freezing to death in the middle of one of those deliveries, SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE launches into a sweet showing of life at the North Pole over the centuries. Dudley Moore is perfectly cast as an enterprising elf, who botches the toy making one year, and ends up casting himself out of the shop as penance. A BUCKAROO BANZAI-era John Lithgow portrays the evil, corporate toymaker who takes the wayward elf under his plotting wings. A bit dated, but the vast majority of it still stands, in that delicious, semi-corny, somehow timeless fashion that only '80's movies can.
POCKETFUL OF MIRACLES: How is it old films seem to fall to the wayside? Considering the press given revering films of yesteryear, how do films such as this one consistently slip through the radar? A Frank Capra classic, Bette Davis plays "Apple Annie", a Broadway beggar who sells apples from a basket. One of her regular customers is a bootlegger (Glenn Ford), who believes her apples give him luck. When Annie's apples are conspicuously absent one dire morning, Ford, with his sarcastic assistant (Peter Falk) seek her out only to find Apple Annie in a pickle. Beggar though she may be, she made certain her daughter wasn't. All these years, her daughter (Anne Margaret) has been abroad, schooled at a lush Spanish convent, confident her mother back home is a feature of New York's high society. The budding beauty is returning home, with her Count, who must meet the mother, before seeking the daughter's hand in marriage. Ford, it turns out, will do whatever is necessary to keep the supply of apples coming so, dressing up Annie, they go.
Actually... eh, I'm not certain if this is a Christmas movie. I watch it every Christmas, so I consider it a Christmas movie. If you should rent it, and find there is no tinsel within, you could always use some of that invisible tape, and scraps of wrapping paper to make the 
Just because you like her, doesn't mean your family will. |
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television's framework more festive. Tinsel or not, the film accurately portrays the conceived Christmas spirit. So, it works.
Don't get me wrong, a film needn't have been produced pre-'85 to qualify as proper sugar cookie accompaniment. LOVE ACTUALLY is a testament to this. All your favorite Brits in one place! And Bill Nighy sings (and boy, will his Christmas-themed butchering of "Love is All Around" stay in your head)! Liam Neeson as a widower, Hugh Grant as Prime Minister (what an idea!), Colin Firth as a recently dumped writer (though, my reasoning for seeing this film in the first place was something like: "LOVE ACTUALLY. Starring: Colin Firth " Perhaps male persons require more incentive), Alan Rickman, Emma Thompson, Keira Knightly, and so on, and so forth. Each loosely connected to the other, and each with their own Christmas miracle.
On the commentary, there was a comment that Rowan Atkinson's part was originally conceived as much larger. The few times he's shown, he's in-the-right-place-at-the-right-time, nudging the miracles where need be but just a few times, so the viewer/Mr. Bean fan gushes, "oooh!" There's no story to him. Originally though, he was an angel type, who was found to be a little too over the top (the angel presence, not Atkinson). Thank goodness he remained in the final cut a bit, because even when silently, haughtily, taking an inordinate amount of time to gift wrap Rickman's present to his couldbe mistress, Atkinson is golden. As usual.
Sometimes, well released Christmas fodder is actually worthwhile. Such was the case with THE FAMILY STONE. I had my doubts. Luke Wilson doesn't have a stellar record with me though he's always stellar. Dermot Mulroney is hoping he made the right choice in love. It sort of fell into his lap, and being in the city, away from his family, perhaps he didn't think things through completely. When he brings his soon-to-be-fiance (Sarah Jessica Parker) home for the holidays, she turns out to be less than a perfect fit. His brother (Wilson) is the only member of the family to take a shine to her, while her tightly wound manner brings out the talons in everyone else. Unlike so many films of this type of setup, the characters are refreshingly natural. Dianne Keaton as a nester mother, a deaf and gay brother (Tyrone Giordano who was fantastic, and actually is deaf. Travesty, there's not even a photo for him on IMDB), a sister (Rachel McAdams) with a slightly bitchy/punkish demeanor their off-kilter aspect is presented in such an ordinary fashion, everyone is immediately likeable. Surprisingly so. I quite enjoyed it.
Cable, though. Take a gander at the guide, and the sheer volume of Christmas movies is astounding. A quick overview of the good, the bad, and the could-have-beens:
PAPA'S ANGELS: So, I thought Cynthia Nixon impressing a full-on hick, Appalachian accent was a sharp Dorito to swallow... but Scott Bakula doing a full-on hick, Appalachian accent complete with a wizened, sling of the shoulders while giving his lumber-man trousers a reassuring tug was more than my ribs could bear. Mind you, devoted Leaper that I am, I could never laugh at Mr. Bakula. However, I'd wager *he* couldn't sit through his opening dialogue without hanging his head in a crimson blush. Really, when a female school teacher character bursts into laughter after his second piece of dialogue, I seriously thought they'd broken character for a second. On one hand, Bakula nailed the character... but... wow... it reminds me of the scene in THE BIRDCAGE, after Nathan Lane does a hilarious John Wayne send-up, and Robin Williams marvels, "... I just never realized John Wayne walked that way."
A GRANDPA FOR CHRISTMAS: Ernest Borgnine as an estranged grandfather who must look after the granddaughter he's never met, when his daughter is hospitalized after an accident. When I saw the title, I nearly ran from the room but we tend to forget, what with MC HALE'S NAVY, that Borgnine has acting chops galore. Then, when we spy them again, MARTY comes smashing back into the head... the man can twist your heart. This was a wonderful role for him. A thug body, with such exuberant eyes with Katherine Helmond and Jamie Farr in tow, it was a treat.
LIKE FATHER, LIKE SANTA: There are no bad movie titles quite like a bad Christmas movie title. Harry Hamlin did NOT, I repeat, NOT, save this iceberg-ed vessel. It's too bad, too, because Hamlin as the son of Santa, who misuses his knowledge of those who are naughty to blackmail individuals into allowing his corporation to takeover the businesses, sounded interesting. Watching it was another matter, entirely.
CHRISTMAS IN HANDCUFFS: So, I might've been seeking the wrong sort of holiday cheer but how disturbing is it, that IMDB's number one search result for this entry was RUDOLPH AND FROSTY'S CHRISTMAS IN JULY??
Melissa Joan Hart was great as a luck-deprived waitress. Things quickly went from quirky fun to too much corny, though. The premise was a sound one: Fed up with disappointing her parents at every turn, a waitress ends up knocking out a handsome man, and then, at the point of an Indian War relic's barrel, forces him to pose as her fiancι during her family's holiday gathering. Mario Lopez portrayed the unwitting suitor, and I do believe that's when everything fell apart (five minutes in). There just wasn't chemistry, which made the first five minutes of enticing quirk suddenly transcend into orchestrated bubblegum.
ROCKY MOUNTAIN CHRISTMAS: There's no way I can explain this one in an enticing way however, it works! Dolly Parton is a country singer, who goes to a cabin for the holidays, only to find a family of orphans squatting in the residence. Lee Majors was an ex-lawyer 
Oh, fine. I'll be good next year. Sheesh. |
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turned mountain man, who inevitably befriends the singer and children. Sure, none of the songs are nearly as catchy as BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS's "Hard Candy Christmas", but there's a redheaded witch, and abounding charm.
It's spades better than Parton's other foray into Christmas films, UNLIKELY ANGEL. Roddy McDowall as Saint Peter, and Allison Mack as an angsty teenager altogether didn't gel. Fine cast but not a fine script.
Rental-wise, do remember:
THE REF: Cat burglary gone awry, leaves Denis Leary with hilariously bickering hostages on Christmas Eve. A treasure trove of dialogue.
ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS: I noted, with alarm, the vhs case at the video store was heavily laden with dust. Upon further investigation, so was ERNEST GOES TO CAMP. We have to do something about this! Varney's loveable imbecile cannot go quietly into the night. By the light of the Christmas tree, break out some Frogger, then pop in Ernest and show these newfangled kids how it's done.
However, just because it's Christmas, doesn't mean one should be deprived of blood and guts.
"You've made it through Halloween, now try and survive Christmas..."
... happens to be the tagline for SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT. Pulled after only two weeks of theatrical release, due to controversy, it has taken until now for this gem to grace a spinner disc. As a boy, Billy Chapman witnessed his parents' brutal murders at the hands of a man in a Santa suit. Couple that with years of torment by a wicked nun, and it's little surprise Billy finally cracks when his go-nowhere job requires him to wear a Santa suit (and he spies sexual ongoings sex, whether in the woods, or a storage closet, never leads to a favorable end in 80's slashers. It's a wonder there were any children born post-'85).
... and it features Linnea Quigley getting speared onto a set of antlers; a huge groovy point for any film.
This year marks one of my best purchases ever. No one's front window is going to be a nifty as mine, since theirs won't have A CHRISTMAS STORY replica leg lamp! So, it is with great pleasure that, even though I opted not to gush for 1,500 words over Red Ryder and killer icicles, I am able to mention Bob Clarke. The man behind A CHRISTMAS STORY had an earlier yuletide offering, though in a decidedly different vein. BLACK CHRISTMAS features the most obscene phone call ever filmed. The howling nut on the phone, and the shockingly depraved, dirty things he says, actually make the subsequent murders that much more horrific.
On the outside, some psychotic is stalking a sorority house. The endearing guts is a crafty mixture of creepy first-person footage of the stalking, never actually seeing the assailant, a compelling, though drunken and sex-obsessed Margot Kidder (who details the three-day marathon sex of turtles, and nonchalantly spells 'fellatio' to a police officer), and a seriously meek Andrea Martin. Honorable mention, too, for John Saxton. I don't recall him doing anything exactly memorable, but the man's got presence! A must-see, even if not at Christmas. (There was a remake, but it's the season to be jolly, so damned if I'm going to down the mood with that one.)
Despite being an episode, and so, technically not a film, a recommendation must be made for TALES FROM THE CRYPT: episode AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE . Stuck in a house, with a murderous Santa outside played by Larry Drake, no less. That's just not a face I want to see before the phone lines go dead.
I haven't seen CHRISTMAS EVIL yet, but it is burning a hole in my queue. Netflix had this to say of it, "The winter weather isn't the only thing that's frightful about this unconventional holiday offering about a toy maker whose obsession with Christmas spirals dangerously out of control. After enduring a traumatic childhood in which he learned there was no such thing as Santa Claus, Harry Stadling (Brandon Maggart) takes it upon himself to judge the "naughty" and the "nice." But instead of spreading cheer, he opts for fear." How tempting is that?
Enough about the evil Santa people. What about the Rudolphs? Or the elves? The snowmen?? Ah. The snowmen. There are two films entitled JACK FROST. One features Michael Keaton reincarnated as a snowman. That would be fine... if it were 1969, and it was still cool to experience film through lsd goggles. I daresay, it is the other JACK FROST that's the winner. A serial killer dies, then comes back as a snowman. Much more entertaining. This film opened a door, which I just don't feel has been properly explored. If the math was applied to other staple holiday situations: a serial killer was invited to Christmas dinner, a woman is stranded during holiday travel, beleaguered to spend Christmas at a serial killer's cabin.... Oh, the possibilities!
Last, but not least, do remember that the mogwai was a Christmas present! Therefore, GREMLINS makes the list. Of all the films mentioned, I'd wager this would be the most well-received at the Mac Family Christmas. As everyone sits around the glowing leg lamp, they would be relieved to view a film selection that wasn't gory, and didn't involve subtitles.
Other, less tortured families, however, might wrinkle their nose. Some people can't see beyond tradition which is fine. Pop in a little Bing and Danny Kaye, make it a WHITE CHRISTMAS, and it shouldn't be too unbearable. Out of the nearly 1,000 hits for "Christmas" on IMDB, no one can accurately say they hate Christmas movies.
So, put on your Santa hat, pop some popcorn, and stuff it.
'Tis the Season.
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