I would totally wear male clothes, if it meant Clayton would be my friend. |
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Over a few spontaneous, giddy-inducing drinks the other night, a swaggering male person and I engaged in a heated Clayton Rohner discussion: Was the man worthy of his incomparable box office draw?
Okay, okay. So, that didn't happen.
What actually happened was a three in the morning, "Oh, I forgot you weren't working tonight," Spongebob pajama-clad telephone geekfest between Zombieboy and me regarding his impending column. I won't spoil the surprise, but one of the resulting tangents involved Mr. Rohner – which led me to wonder, "Hey, I wonder what Clayton Rohner has been up to?"
Since all wonderings lead to Google, that's just where I ended up.
This article was conceived as a non-too-veiled plea for the powers that be to give the man some juicy work. However, in hindsight, it might be a better first step to just beg that someone give the man a damned computer.
ClaytonRohner.com is PARKED!
Of the first six pages of Google, there is only one lonely fan site to be found... and it's on Angelfire.
IMDB boasts a single photo.
A few links can be unearthed to a circa 2000 interview – but the reader better be good at digging, as the interview is in four parts that aren't well linked to one another.
There's a semi-drunken Scifi.com online chat from '99, during which a typically earth-shattering Sci/Fi fan query was posed: Boxers, briefs, or boxer-briefs? Alas, since the moderator was apparently also semi-drunk, he posted three questions at once, then went on to another as soon as Rohner addressed the first. At this rate of press, I fear we may never know what guards Mr. Rohner's unmentionables.
There is a Wikipedia entry, but it is as eerily unenlightening as his IMDB entry.
And – brace yourselves – he doesn't have a MySpace.
Even Dean Cameron has a MySpace.
Sheesh.
So, who is this Clayton Rohner fellow?
Well, no other web entity seems to be shooting their hand up, so do allow me: Remember that movie about the chick who went "undercover" for a high school newspaper article by pretending to be a guy at a neighboring school? No, not that one – the first one. JUST ONE OF THE GUYS. Yeah! The one with the adorable guy she befriended, then fell for? THAT is Clayton Rohner!
Yes, yes – he was also the star of that fab, and sadly, short-lived show, GvsE.
I'd say he encompasses the proverbial Everyman, yet in a diamond-in-the-rough, Bruce Willis-ish fashion. Which is to say, an Everyman whose presence would actually make Thanksgiving dinner more enjoyable. It's a layered effect. On one hand, in his most subdued roles, is an instantly likeable quality, chased with a hint of secret cool. On the other, when given a character he can go to town with, there is a visible, unabashed glee which he thrashes onto screen with.
He's on the short list of underrated actors with the remarkable talent to make whatever he's in both intriguing and (in the bottom of the B's he's graced) watchable, simply because he's in it. Take JUST ONE OF THE GUYS. Even if difficult to locate at a video store, a smidgeon of patience will find a showing on Comedy Central or even late night HBO. The film came out in 1985. How many other 1985 films sans the Brat Pack or John Cusack still get HBO rotation?
A fun film, yes. The comedy of errors which inevitably ensues when a popular, pretty girl undergoes a K.D. Lang makeover, a perverted teenage brother character, a delicious, yet prior-to-acting-prowess Sherilyn Fenn, and as I recall, a fantastic rack on the lead female when she "proves" her true sex at the end – it would've been a good hour and a half with, or without Rohner. However, there's a sizeable hellmouth between Good and Great. Rohner makes it great.
As Rick Morehouse, he was a somewhat shy, cute but geeky type. The girl with the agenda would've completely passed him by... but then, on his bedroom door, was a nearly life-sized James Brown poster. The other online Clayton Rohner article will suggest his freakish pronunciation of Cyndi Lauper ("L-ow-per"), or his hilarious revelation, "he's got tits!" as fodder for JUST ONE OF THE GUYS's staying power, but I disagree. When the girl/guy spies the poster, Rohner confesses that he can't control himself when he hears the Godfather of Soul.
She/he urges him to show some moves, but he shrugs, bashfully, and declines – leaving the viewer wanting. He never ends up dancing, but you just know that shy, suburban white boy had some killer Brown moves up his sleeve.
Other than the decided lack of roles he could truly bite into, his biography reads just the way it should. On how he made the decision to become an actor, Rohner has stated, "I got out of college, worked as a commercial fisherman in Alaska, then I was on my way to the Middle East to drive jeeps in the desert for a safari company and I was changing planes in New York City and thought, "Aww, screw it. Maybe I'll just be an actor." Isn't that marvelous?
In film, or more often, on television, he comes across as that guy, the one who would be on his way to Safari Land when making a life altering decision.
Another little known gem in his arsenal is MODERN GIRLS. A story of, well, modern girls, three roommates who go clubbing one night, only to end up dividing their time between being in mortal peril and meeting a rock star. Rohner had double duty, 
Not Just for 80's Movies. |
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portraying both Clifford, a hopeless dweeb, and Bruno X, the hotter-than-Michael-Smith, British punk who steals the heart of one of the roomies. Again, MODERN GIRLS would be a forgettable piece of fluff without Rohner's endearing stab at the Everyman (his Bruno X is something else, entirely. Though neither the lengthy interview, nor the poorly typed chat explored it, I am certain his girlfriends have demanded quite a few Bruno X Nights over the years).
No '80's resume would be complete without a smattering of horror. Again, Rohner delivered with APRIL FOOL'S DAY. Even Flash Gordon himself, Sam Jones, had a hard time being memorable when next to Deborah Foreman (MY CHAUFFEUR), but APRIL FOOL'S DAY fans easily recall the "cool guy".
... but since the '80's?
It seems that an ill-timed foray into television knocked him off the circuit nearly entirely in the early 90's. Then, the phone rang. Just as Rohner was clawing for some work, THE RELIC was handed to him. Thing is, THE RELIC, though spades more memorable than SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK... FOR MORE, was only nudge enough to keep him working.
What I don't understand is this: Don't all casting directors watch the X-Files? I mean, really. Even if they weren't an X-Phile, back in the day, certainly they can't avoid the endless assault of Mulder and Scully re-runs. How can anyone forget the episode entitled, THE RAIN KING?
As a one-legged, inebriated Rainmaker, Rohner struck character gold. Declaring himself, "one sixty-seventh Cherokee Indian," and calling upon the power of his ancestors to bring forth the rain – who could watch that, and not want Rohner to be a part of any cinematic undertaking??
Then came G VS E. A series good enough, that I purchased a bootlegged boxed set. To put it in perspective, I don't even have the complete LEXX set (granted, the LEXX set is considerably more expensive. But still). Chandler Smythe was a character I could watch for years and years. Unfortunately, the audiences of the world were only afforded a single season. As I recall, USA dumped it, then Sci/Fi picked it up, but evidently, not for good – the scheduling was a nightmare. Post-USA boot, I caught some errant showing on a channel I never watched a single other thing on. I can't even venture to guess what went on there. A fantastic show at the onset, complete with fanfare, and hype a-plenty. Then, inexplicably, gone.
(Having viewed all the episodes on DVD, I can't entirely blame the network – though, lack of funding was apparently an enormous issue – there seemed to be zero planning ahead on the writing front. Notions that should have been multi-episode plot arcs were consistently, infuriatingly, wedged into a single episode, leaving very little to carry the show, other than "Henry and Chandler doing their thing.")
Since then, Rohner's appearances seem to be treacherously footing a downward spiral. Television spots on everything from CHARMED to CSI, keeps him in rotation, but hardly do him justice. His guest spot as a desert ingrate on BONES, was nothing short of a travesty.
Film-wise, I'm not up to date. Of the four he's done since G VS E, two look marginally palatable. FORMOSA, a light-hearted drama with humorous tones, not only appears worthwhile, but also features Geoffrey Lewis, and seems to receive above average reviews all around. No raves, but after the clunker that was TRESSPASSERS (whose tagline was, "5 friends. An exotic journey. A deadly curse"), FORMOSA sounds like a welcomed entry.
The other mild curiosity is CORONADO. Appears to be a ROMANCING THE STONE / INDIANA JONES sendup. Clayton Rohner as an Indiana Jones type? I'd stand in that line! Only, the best review I can find is one which attempts to dampen the flames of dismay at IMDB with a weak, "c'mon, it wasn't that bad." Doesn't mean I won't love it, but it does make me hesitant.
In the end, it is Rohner's interview with IGN.com that best summarizes it. When asked if he felt if an actor can get to a point in a career where enough forward momentum is gained to keep going, or if they just have to endlessly plug away at it, Rohner responded, "I wouldn't know. I'm not at that level. I'm sure that Brad Pitt doesn't have to worry about finding a job -- I've never had that. I've been offered, maybe, four movies in my life. I was offered a series once... That was pretty exciting. I was offered a year on Murder One and I was offered THE RELIC and I was offered a couple of movies and I was offered a couple of episodes of television, but that's it. It's very rare."
On how it makes him feel, to be offered work: "It feels great, but it happens so rarely that it's like finding a dollar bill on the ground. It doesn't happen all that much. I would like to get to that point. What I'd really like to do is get to the point where I could actually put movies together, at any level."
Perhaps, this holiday season, a savvy casting director, or a Tarantino-in-the-making out there will make Clayton Rohner's dream come true. Hell, maybe they'll make my dream come true – seeing Clayton Rohner showcased on the big screen. Preferably before he doesn't look good anymore.
And Clayton, if you're reading this, get a website already! Seriously, send me a few photos, and I'll whip something together for you. How can you get a bandwagon going, if you don't even provide a wagon?
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