Coming to a theater near you, summer of NeverEver! |
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In this column, you are going to have to permit me a small indulgence: the films I am going to discuss do not actually exist. They are projects that I would love to see get done. Some are reasonably possible ideas, and some are stratospheric flights of fancy: in either case, I strongly encourage any filmmakers, from independent rogues to Hollywood money people (and I know you're reading) to make them. You don't even have to pay me for the ideas (though a small role in the film and a few free lunches wouldn't suck). The ideas are presented in list form, but are in no particular order of importance.
1. Any film fan worth their salt should know about AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON. It is quite probably the first successful marriage of comedy and serious horror to be committed to film, and by the unlikely hand of John Landis at that. He had the vision to create a masterpiece of horror, while still finding the funny in a young man, David, being mauled by an unholy man-beast (whilst killing his friend) and living on to perpetuate the same murderous sins. The film contains many memorable scenes, from Nazi monsters slitting a child's throat to a meeting of David's quite dead victims in a porno theater, with disco and humping sounds playing in the background.
Unfortunately, you are also undoubtedly familiar with the shitty sequel, AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN PARIS. Where LONDON can boast landing the first ever Academy Award for special effects for Rick Baker, for the jaw dropping transformation sequence of man to supernatural animal, PARIS can simply boast unimpressive Nintendo 64 level computer graphics. Where LONDON had comedy, romance, and proper horror, PARIS merely as weak tea jokes and maudlin, woe is me werewolves. The biggest mistake it made was taking the personal quality of LONDON and diluting it, making it a cookie cutter film for a wider demographic. A total bore.
My idea is to revisit the franchise, but this time go for the unexamined angle: a prequel! That's right. I have thought for many years that the denizens of the Slaughtered Lamb were rather mysterious figures: who are they, and how have they come to their knowledge of the werewolf who sets the film in motion? I want to see their film. We could see how their troubles with the lycanthrope began, what woes he had caused them and why they chose to retreat to the safety of their "club" on each three days of the full moon, only to come out and fight on David's fateful night, and then too late at that. The film could either begin at some indeterminate point in time before the events of LONDON (I'm thinking maybe the 70's), and either end with David and Jack getting attacked, or even continue on past that, as they get into some BACK TO THE FUTURE II antics in the background of LONDON's events. Seems like a pretty solid bet to me. Who should be in charge of it, though? Email me with your thought.
2. This one I have a title foe: FROM DUSK TILL SHAUN. As I am sure you can imagine from the title, it is a sequel to SHAUN OF THE DEAD. I cannot take credit for the name, however. It comes from a joke that Simon Pegg throws off towards the end of the cast commentary of SHAUN, when they were discussing how Lucy Davis's character of Dian doesn't actually die when she exits the Winchester. Simon says we'll find out all about it in the sequel. I was so enchanted by the title that I still secretly hope, in my heart of hearts, that it wasn't a joke. Though I know that Nick Frost is still very active in British television, that Simon Pegg is busy budding into a bankable movie star, and Edgar Wright is announced to do both the comic adaptation ANT-MAN as well as a remake of THEM! (and Frost and Pegg are supposedly working on a new comedy script together called, ironically enough, PAUL – no word on any involvement from Wright, yet).
In the "plot holes" segment of the SHAUN disc, we learn that Dian is now living somewhere with her Aunt, and remains in Christmas Card contact with Liz and Shaun. Bearing that in mind, and the title (for the uninformed, a riff on the Robert Rodriguez directed and Quentin Tarantino scripted vampire film, FROM DUSK TILL DAWN), my idea for the story revolves around Dian returning to Crouch End for a visit with her old pals. To ward off the specter of dearly departed David, she brings along her new boyfriend. In a continuation of her stunningly bad taste in men, this new boyfriend also happens to be a vampire. Of course all manner of blood sucker mayhem will ensue, and there must be some sort of climactic scene involving Zombie Ed.
The creative minds behind this one are not up for debate, of course. I would have no one else be involved but the source material's progenitors, Wright, Pegg, and Frost. As the imminent US version of Spaced will most assuredly teach us, when you want the real thing, you have to get it directly from the tap. If I hear of any other thumbs stuck into this particular pie, I will be forced to invade Hollywood and eat Jerry Bruckheimer's face. Additionally, this would be a great opportunity to give more screen time to the lovely and talented Jessica Stevenson (er, Jessica Hynes I mean, of course).
3. This next one is a prickly pear indeed. In the glorious year of 2002, the world finally got to see a (limited) release of a small movie called BUBBA HO TEP. For those of you not in the know, BUBBA is the cinematic adaptation of a short story by Joe Lansdale. Many people had optioned it for film and ultimately found it unworkable, to the point where when PHANTASM creator Don Coscarelli asked for it, an exasperated Lansdale said sure, thinking, here is another guy who won't make it. How wrong he was.
The reason BUBBA was thought unfilmable is because it concerns an elderly Elvis, long after he switched places with Elvis impersonator Sebastian Haff (both roles played by the mighty Bruce Campbell) to get out of the harsh limelight, living in a retirement home in East Texas. Ruminating daily on what he lost, both in terms of the fame and Priscilla and Lisa Marie, whilst dabbing salve on his be-tumored penis, he spies some weird goings on outside his drab little room. Which quickly turn into weird 
It don't mean a thing if it ain't got the King - BC, that is. |
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goings on inside his drab little room.
Come to find out there is an ancient redneck mummy sucking the souls of the elderly out of their anuses and crapping them out on the communal head (passing his time away scribbling hieroglyphic graffiti on the stall wall). Elvis must team up with the black JFK (played by Ossie Davis), who is not dead, but instead had a bag of sand shoved into the hole in his head and was then dipped in dye to turn him into a brother and dumped off it the middle of nowhere to rot. All of this material is somehow dealt with with aplomb, and the unfilmable became one of the best low budget features to ever dance across my retinas.
There is no question as to what you do with a film that was self-financed with very little money, that goes on to become a cult hit very quickly: the word sequel should have been on your lips before I got halfway through that last sentence. And, in fact, it was on Coscarelli's mind before the movie was even released. At the end of the credits (there's that pesky watching the credits business again) we are told to be on the lookout for BUBBA NOSFERATU AND THE CURSE OF THE SHE-VAMPIRES, and that is the movie that is number 3 on this list.
The reason this entry is a prickly pear is because though it does not exist yet, it is actually slated to exist. It has an IMDb page and everything. It re-teams Coscarelli and Lansdale, and even has Paul Giamatti attached to play Colonel Parker. The way I understand the story, it is a prequel concerning Elvis playing a gig in Louisiana, only to end up in a confrontation with a trio of female blood suckers. Sounds good, right?
Wrong.
Bruce Campbell and Coscarelli butted heads over the script, and in order to save their friendship, BC backed out. He said that NOSFERATU was dead to him and, I hate to say it, it kind of makes it dead for me as well. So in my number 3 Wet Dream movie, I have BC and Coscaerlli and Lansdale all making concessions and pounding out a story they can live with, and BC again takes up the mantle of Elvis the monster fighter. I quite frankly don't much care what the hell happens in the movie (though in my secret heart Hap Collins and Leonard Pine show up to lend the King of rock and roll a hand). To properly fulfill the flight of fancy portion of my initial description of this list, I would also love to see some back story on just how Jack Kennedy ended up colored and in East Texas. But Ossie Davis is sort of dead, so that subplot will have to exist solely in my head.
4. Speaking of Bruce Campbell, I now must turn to a recent idea of mine, something bourne from comments the man made himself in his wonderful book, If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B-Movie Actor. As any proper EVIL DEAD fan knows, the cabin from the original film burned to the ground after they were done shooting (indeed, long before the pick up shots and post-production were even done on the film itself). What the casual fan doesn't know is that the "boys" buried a time capsule on the land before they left. Apparently, the exact location of the capsule, and even of the land once occupied by the cabin, is not a widely known fact. BC says he's been quizzed for the information by many fans, but insists on staying mum.
First off, allow me to reassure you that I am not talking sequel or remake here. In fact, allow me to also allay your fears that either one of those things (the former long purported, the latter a more recent proposition) are ever going to happen. Raimi has no current intentions of making a sequel (hell, he's busy making movies that make money) and talks of a remake were received by an overwhelmingly negative response from fans, and has all but had the last coffin nail driven into it. So much for the better, in my not so unbiased opinion (Hello? Did you read my last column?).
No, what I instead propose, to fulfill some sick need of the people who want to cash in on Raimi's current success without tarnishing the good name of the EVIL DEAD series, is to do a film that merely connects with EVIL DEAD, sort of in the same way that RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD connects with NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. They are kissing cousins, if you will: they share a common bond, RETURN even referencing NIGHT in the movie, but is still not a remake or a sequel.
In my as yet untitled homage, a group of young horror enthusiast upstarts have come across what they believe to be directions to the location of the cabin, as well as spooky stories of haunted goings on during the film's shoot. Stuff about how there maybe were real demons, or at the very least a disgruntled poltergeist, that the cast and crew were sworn to secrecy about. So they trudge out to the far reaches of Morristown, Tennessee, and set up camp. They begin digging around for the time capsule, and find it...except it actually contains a demon skull and a few handwritten pages telling of some horrific death that occurred during the shoot. Or something like that. I haven't really worked out all the details yet. I am open to suggestions. But either way, murderous monsterly mayhem ensues as the youngsters are hunted down in the woods like dogs.
The only problem with this idea is that since BC is a cult figure, there really is no mystery left to the film to play off of, other than where the hell it actually took place. But I like to think there would be a scene when they actually break open the time capsule, and BC wakes from a sound sleep knowing he must go back there and once again put the evil down. Sort of like Dick Hallorann in THE SHINING. That self-referential thing is being done by the man himself in a movie he scripted and will direct, as well as star in, called MY NAME IS BRUCE, except that is slated to be released in mid-2008 (DVD, of course) but who the hell really knows. I waited almost two goddamn years for BUBBA HO TEP. *sigh*
5. Next up is a movie I would like to see based on a short-lived television show, G vs. E (originally Good vs. Evil, but shortened at some point). Much like Brimstone and Sliders, it was a television show that had a lot of balls, but very few places to go. It starred 
It really is amazing what WETA did with Orlando Bloom! |
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Richard Brooks and Clayton Rohner as ex-cops (as in dead) who find a new job in their afterlife: kicking around earth, working for the "Corp" and hunting down Morlocks, who are people that have made a Faustian bargain with a demon. There were only 22 episodes filmed (I'm not sure how many actually aired), and I remember seeing the downgrade as time went by. Like I said, it had a lot of potential, but flagging ratings kept the producers attempting to fine tune the show as it went, instead of just letting their freak flags fly firmly. To reference yet another BC vehicle, all one has to do is look at The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. Sure, it suffered from poor ratings as well, but they just went ahead and did what they had to do, regardless of what the Nielsen f*ckers thought. That is why Brisco still holds up today, every episode a classic.
Unfortunately, G vs. E is not currently available on DVD, so I could not relive the magic and devise a starting point for a cinematic plot. But my point is that this time they could take some time, and do it correctly. There would not be quite the same rush to get product out weekly. Since most of the episodes revolved around Hollywood Morlocks, perhaps they could plot to take down the biggest Morlock of all time, Jerry "Faustian Deal" Bruckheimer. I was going to say George Lucas, but I know that certain people would not cotton to that. Also, they would need to be careful to include a subplot involving their Corp superiors, played wonderfully by the zaftig Googy Gress and the ubiquitous Marshall Bell, who was in SERVING SARA with BC, for you six degrees of separation nuts.
6. Now we come to the last film on my list, which can only mean one thing: I have run out of snacks, and must now actually start writing again. Anyway, you should all know the name Peter Jackson. And those six or seven of you that read my columns might also know that Peter Jackson did not fall out of his mum's Map o' Tassy making movies that one would expect to blaze forth from a Wii disc. Nope. He started out making down and dirty horror films, guerrilla style. From BAD TASTE to MEET THE FEEBLES to BRAINDEAD (DEAD ALIVE in the states), Jackson was the man to go to when you wanted a movie to offend your mom.
Over the years, Jackson has blossomed into a fine filmmaker, sort of a George Lucas without the Faustian deal. Unlike Sam Raimi, Jackson has stuck to genre work, even if it does not seem so. One might point out HEAVENLY CREATURES as being a drama, and that is true, but it is a black as night drama, and still manages to work in some awfully disturbing special effects sequences. His new project, THE LOVELY BONES, based on the amazing Alice Sebold novel, is covering much the same territory. Which is not to say that he is repeating himself. I am merely pointing out that he is taking a break from committing massive spectacles to film for the time being. Resting his talent on those weird things called believable characters once more.
The imaginary movie I want Peter Jackson to make is the one he spoke of during a Fangoria interview while on post-production for KING KONG. After all the years of making back to back big budget, CGI heavy films, he was toying with the idea of stepping into the Wayback Machine and doing another zombie film. A little, self-financed thing that he would do on available weekends, much like his first film, BAD TASTE. Needless to say, that got a lot of horror nerd's panties wet. Mine included. Of course, we need it to actually happen. I am not begrudging Jackson for not making BONES in lieu of a new zombie romp because, quite frankly, I loved the book and would hate to see the film drop into the hands of some piker like Joel Schumacher.
But still, I have to hope in that oft-mentioned secret heart, which seem to have more chambers than the Wu-Tang Clan, that he is making good on his statement, and is indeed shooting clandestine zombie footage catch as catch can. A little neck bite and tear while waiting for Adrien Brody to get moody, a little blood soaked chase through the woods scene while Mark Wahlberg wonders what the hell happened to his daughter. Maybe they even did a life cast of Sean Astin's head while waiting for the glue on his gross and hairy Hobbit feet to dry, for eye eating purposes. You can call m a dreamer, but I have to do what I have to do to make it through my day.
In closing, here are some more random thoughts that did not merit inclusion on the official list:
1. My brother and I had a discussion once about how a lot of older television shows are getting the cinematic treatment, so why not WKRP in Cincinnati? That was a great show, it still holds up today, and I know for a fact that those actors aren't doing diddly squat nowadays. (Nobody better dare mention The New WKRP in Cincinnati to me, okay?)
2. Speaking of Howard Hessman, what the hell ever happened to the sequel we were promised at the end of the credits to DOCTOR DETROIT, DOCTOR DETROIT II: THE WRATH OF MOM? I know I'm not the only one pissed about that.
3. Angela informs me that the main players from THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE FIFTH DIMENSION are in fact still under contract, should the one-time proposed sequel to that film ever come to fruition (BUCKAROO BANZAI VS. THE WORLD CRIME LEAGUE). Which it should. Like, tomorrow. If Uwe Boll can keep getting his scummy little bits of crap into theaters, surely there is room on the big screen for some more Peter Weller (the only man possibly creepier than Christopher Walken).
So there you have it. The dream movies that play in my head while I sit through agonizing trailers for romantic comedies and PG-13 rated American remakes of Japanese ghost stories. A lot of the entries on my list seem to be sequels (or prequels), though that wasn't intentional. Feel free to email me with your imaginary movies. Seriously. I would like my column to be a lot more interactive than it is. Hell, if I get enough responses I might do another column featuring them. Don't you want to be famous like me?
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| Agent Provocateur |
Every other Sunday
Eating the flesh of lesser film geeks since '72.
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| Zombie Boy |
Zombie Boy is not a Hollywood insider, just a movie
geek with a big mouth and a strong desire to spew
opinions. His column will concentrate on the things he
feels you need to know about less mainstream cinematic
issues, but probably don't. He strongly encourages
interaction from his readers, just be sure to not put
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