No, Bumblebee, Don't Lubricate the Knife Wielder! |
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I was listening to the radio the other morning and the DJ started talking about something they're now calling "movie rage." It's kinda like "road rage," that old familiar trend of motorists getting antsy with some granny who's driving 35 in the fast lane. People are starting to lose their minds. No one has any patience for anything anymore. We don't even have the common decency to allow the guy in front of us to talk on his cell phone during the commercials that play before the movie starts.
Example of Movie Rage!!!
I mean, gosh.... is nothing sacred anymore?
Seriously though, I have my pet peeves about going to the movie theater. Mainly because I still like to go and consider seeing movies on the big screen to be of a valued importance to certain movies. There are ones that lose little in their translation to DVD, but TRANSFORMERS needed to be seen splashed across a giant screen. Shia (oh, and that Megan chick if that's what you're into) have to have their super-tight close-ups, yo.
For those of you who find yourself troubled as to how to contain yourself from whipping out weapons and doing damage to the old people or the Mexican babies (blame Brian Posehn, dammit), here are my handy-dandy suggestions.
Notice: Not guaranteed to work in every city in every state of America.
Paying Less, Part One: Stop Being a Vampire, It's OK to Go Out in the Day
Everyone who has been out to the movie theaters recently complains about how much it costs to get in. But I have to wonder if every single one of these people works seven days a week from the AM until after 5 PM. There are these wonderfully magic things called matinee screenings that go on during the afternoon hours. They tend to cost a few dollars less than going in the evening because fewer people go during that time, so they're attempting to make it more alluring to go in the first place by lowering the price.
That automatically deals with the argument that movies cost $10 a person to get in. The magic of the argument is that every theater that I've ever known has featured matinee screenings during the weekends as well as throughout the week, so no longer to the desk jockeys need to sweat their 9-5 shifts getting in the way of their inexpensive movie viewing. Instead of working your evening around a movie, take a date during the afternoon and save some cash. Then get some less expensive food by partaking in the lunch fare prices and head down to the beach. I know the sunlight can be a scary, scary thing if you're more accustomed to spending your waking hours behind closed doors, at the mercy of closed windows. But unless you're willing to bleach your hair and cut it into a shameful pseudo punk mullet, insisting that you're the lead of your vampire pack, I don't wanna hear about it.
Paying Less, Part Two: There is No Need to be in Favor of Frilly Toothpicks in This Club
This is actually a new one to me. My buddy and fellow columnist ZombieBoy kept going on and on about how he frequents his local Regal Cinemas, using something called a "club card." His constant boasting of free popcorns and sodas was starting to annoy me (as I am of the rule of thumb that if it fits in your purse, it's safe to smuggle in) until he mentioned getting a "free pass." I clicked onto the Regal website to sign up for a card, only to be disappointed that the only theater locally which was under the Regal banner was the Camarillo Edwards 12, the only theater in Ventura County that I couldn't stand. (Bad experiences with Mexican babies, you see.) But I was determined to figure out how easily I could obtain one of these "free passes."
Turns out, it's easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Regal not only gives you points on the dollar amount that you spend at the box office (limited, unfortunately, to $12 a day), it gives you bonus points (2 to start and then 4 once you pass the 120 point mark) to buy items at the concession stand. Not that I do a great deal of purchasing there, but I've been known to cave and buy an ICEE or two for the Midget, so might as well get the credit for it.
In addition to the money that you spend at the box office, there are other bonuses to the card. On Mondays you can get certain boxes of candy for a buck a piece. On Tuesdays you get a free small popcorn no matter how many points are on your card. On Thursdays you earn an extra 5 points 
640+ points and counting in less than 6 months, baby! |
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when you buy your tickets. There are also featured movies which give you bonus points for going to see them, ranging from 5-10 points depending on the feature. (These tickets usually need to be purchased during the first week of release, you can check on the dates at the Club Card site. They also take anywhere from 2-4 weeks to process and be on your account.)
But wait... it gets even more interesting. Regal Cinemas also have a new paging system called the GRS, or Guest Response System. It's a small black item that you can check out (if you're a club member) which allows you to inform management of problems in the theater without getting your ever-expanding ass out of your slightly uncomfortable seat. There are 4 buttons, one for sound problems, one for picture problems, one for illegal recording problems (amazing that we've come to that) and one for "other disturbances." And while there's no button to alert management that the movie sucks, you do get rewarded with a whopping 20 bonus points for checking the thing out.
That 20 points is important because each item on Regal's Club Card list is separated at the 40 point marker. So if you check out the GRS every time you watch a flick, you're getting yourself half way to a reward. And if you include the cost of your tickets and a concession stand visit (say, for some of that $1 a box candy), you're actually 3/4 of the way to a reward each time you go to the theater.
As an important addition to this section, I'd like to adjust any notions that I previously held about the Camarillo Edwards 12. Since getting my club card and using it on my first bonus points movie, SURF'S UP, I've been attending the theater ever since. They run a promotional ticket deal where a "twilight" show (any screening scheduled between 4-6 PM, also known as the time that most other people are going home and I'm actually out of work and primed for some movie watching) costs only $5 a ticket. That's almost $3 less than the regular matinee price and it keeps me within my maximum box office earning points. The staff during their afternoon shift has always been kind and courteous and since the same people work during the days that we attend, they've grown familiar with my daughter and interact with her on a very friendly basis, something that is always appreciated by both her and her mommy. With less people attending during this time, the theater is cleaner, the restrooms are neater and the concession lines are nil. So if you're ever in my neck of the woods and hate the movie going experience, feel free to come out with me and my Midget. Just bring your own club card.
Shut the Hell Up, Part One: Grey on Top Doesn't Equal Grey Inside
Old people were once young people. Just because they've gotten older doesn't mean that they've gotten any smarter or nicer than they were when they were your garden variety adults. They can be just as stupid, obnoxious, rowdy and loud as they were when they were younger and sometimes even more so if their hearing's been going.
If old people contributing nonsensical chatter like:
"What did he just say?"
"Oh, my. Why is she wearing that??"
"Do you remember when we went on the train with Barbara back in '62? Oh, it was just lovely when we went past the ocean, wasn't it?"
... gets on your nerves, you can solve it easily by avoiding the first showing at the theater. There's no point in trying to stay out of certain movies until the false presumption that old people wouldn't watch 30 DAYS OF NIGHT because old people don't work and have nothing better to do with their afternoons, so they'll watch anything. And they'll talk even more if it's something that they consider obscene or indecent, rather than being a thinking person and walking out or researching the movie first. They just tend to stick to the showings that are prior to noon, if and when possible. Don't go in at that time and you're in the clear.
Also... If you're going to sit in the back of the theater during a matinee, be prepared for old people to come in after the movie has started and park themselves in the back corner seats because walking down the darkened aisle is too frightening a task for them. (The only thing they find scarier is checking the paper to verify starting times.) Stick to the middle of the middle and you should be OK.
Shut the Hell Up, Part Two: Mexican Babies & What the Cell's Going On?
These type of movie goers tend to be in the theaters at the same times, so I'm just going to group them together. While I use the term "Mexican Babies" in 
My online placard. Boycot online streaming video from the networks. |
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loving reference to the most bitchin' nerdy headbanging comedian out there, it really just means unattended toddlers running around 'R' rated movies, making noise. Amazingly, while these little mouth breathers seem to have been spawned from the discarded Milk Duds stuck to the floor, they actually have parents. Most of which are younger, uneducated or just selfish. Or all three.
The people who don't have a mental translation for the term "babysitter" are evening screening watchers. They tend to watch the flicks with the poor critical reviews, pointless violence or bloody mayhem and think that if they go to the theater late enough, their kids will simply fall asleep and not be disturbed by the images. Instead, the kid gets jacked up on sugary refreshments and disturbs you.
Habitual cell phone users, the ones that need to text and place/receive calls in the middle of a film are also the younger, non-educated types. When you really think about it, the technological advancement that is cell phone usage is a recent phenomenon. That puts the group of people who flagrantly operate their phone in the middle of a movie at the 25 and under set. This is also the group of people who tend to watch dumber, flashier and more violent films on a Friday or Saturday, starting at 10 PM.
Want to avoid these types? Don't go at night and don't go on the weekend.
If you're really in the mood to go to a big budget flick on the weekend, my best advice is to wait a week. These types of movies typically lose 60% of their opening weekend audience the second week in. Which means that you're going to be subjected to a smaller pool of these types of people. You won't avoid them entirely, but it cuts down on the demographic considerably.
I won't say that you should NEVER go to an opening weekend showing, but don't plan on bitching about the people in the theater with you. The point of a loud bang-'em-up flick is the experience that you have surrounded by a bunch of other people who are as viscerally entertained as you are. The movie 300 was best enjoyed with an audience in the same number. But in these cases, noise should not only be expected, it should be welcomed.
The only way to avoid being around any disturbances at all is to wait until the flick is on DVD and watch it at home. With all of the home theater upgrades currently available, it's possible to have a mind-blowing viewing from the comfort of your own home. However, if you're like me, sometimes getting out is better than watching from home. So make your choices wisely.
The Bottom Line
Most of the complaints about movie going tend to center around price or other people. There are specific, nit-picky things that loop back to these two basic principles, but these are the heart of the heartburn when it comes to going to the theater.
Price can always be negotiated or validated. Go to a matinee or a second run theater. Use a club card. Be a cheapskate with pride. For the smaller, more independent movies that get limited runs, I think concessions should be made for price. These are the films that actually deserve your money. Make a night of it. Drive further. Pay more. Get comfortable in that slightly uncomfortable seat at that old theater. Call it an experience.
People can't be reined in, simply navigated around. If you're smart about when you go, you can avoid the mess. For those who have the high-falootin' notion that you can control strangers, welcome to life. It's easier and less complicated to control yourself. It's a public place and they spent just as much as you did to get in. So move if they're talking and you can get an equally good spot far enough away to not hear them. Watching you move sometimes signals that they were being loud and their embarrassment shuts them up, if only temporarily.
Otherwise, get a GRS and beep the manager. They'll be none the wiser since the device can fit in your pocket and go undetected. Or try a smile and a "please." Honey, vinegar and flies, baby. Better yet, just develop a pattern at your local movie theater that works for you. Amazingly, my attendance during the twilight shows at my local theater have been free of loud disturbance or overly packed theaters. If it works, stick with it.
Just remember to get in as much as you can in the next year. While I fully support the WGA (Writer's Guild of America) and their strike, 2009's theater experience is full-on going to suck. So stop complaining now when you're going to need to save it up for later.
Best of luck.
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