There are very few things that I can purport to be an expert at. In fact, other than knowing how to be a movie geek who can quote the entire script from CLERKS by heart but doesn't remember the capitals of even a dozen of our states, I doubt there's anything that I would be considered an expert at. So the following is really just gleaned from my experience in the two things that I know the most about: movies and sex.
Which Kitty Are YOU More Afraid Of?
I started asking friends what their favorite horror movies were to see if a pattern would emerge. Combining that information with what I've figured out through extensively grilling them about their personal lives or silently lurking through what they thought were their private blogs, I came up with some fun hypothesis (wait, is that plural like geese or is there a different spelling? I'm definitely no expert at spelling and vocabulary whatnot).
There are some strikingly regular occurrences in women's favorite horror movies. In fact, there's enough of a similarity that I feel confident enough to declare that asking what a woman's favorite horror film is will grant you access to what her sexual style is like.
Again, this is all amateur allegations. Unless you want to pony up some grant money so that I can spend the next 6-12 months doing field research (please, oh please, someone have the green to offer me that), you're going to have to just smile and play along. Hell, if Paris Hilton can dress up like a librarian for Halloween, you can at least allow me the opportunity to play an expert for one day. Uwe Boll thought Tara Reid could pass as an archaeologist, right? Boll me, baby.
If your girl says her favorite horror film was a:
Those fancy words essentially add up to a ghost flick. Anything haunted, spooky or inhabited by an otherworldly being means that your girl is all about the romance. They like things to be candle-lit, wine infused and full of proclamations and declarations of undying love. Bring them flowers and they'll get all gooey on you. Add some chocolates into the mix and you just might secure yourself a side dish of different oral delights.
However, she'll view those acts to be defined as a "treat" as much as people refer to the candy as being one. Generally tentative in bed to the point of being passive, if you're looking for someone who's going to be waking the neighbors, you might want to find yourself another girl. But if you prefer a gentle touch, lots of eye contact and no surprises, than Ghost Girl is your little lady.
Popular Selections for this category: THE HAUNTING, ROSE RED, POLTERGEIST, AMITYVILLE HORROR, any kind of EXORCIST movie
Don't let the concept of sucking reel you in too tightly, in this girl's case, it really is about blood and not some other bodily fluid. The vampire lover tends to be extremely domineering in bed, expecting you to go the full 10K and then some. She's also an unforgiving lover. If you're thinking that you're due for some performance anxiety, don't look for a reassuring pat on the shoulder from this chick. She'll simply see that moment of weakness as an opportunity to degrade you.
Now, I understand that's what some men are looking for. But it's not really what she's into. The vampire lover is looking for a man who can be just as savage as she is. She just couples that desire with impossibly high standards that require a man with an ego of steel and a member to match.
Popular selections for this category: NEAR DARK, INNOCENT BLOOD, THE HUNGER, BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA or anything containing the words "Vampire" or "Blood."
The helpless damsel in distress is the image that these chicks feed on. They're looking for a man who has more body hair than their Lady Bic (or their shower drain) can handle. If your neck is as thick as a Roman column and you think throwing a chick over your shoulder and carting her off to the bedroom is arousing, her kicking and screaming (although not too forcefully) the entire way, congratulations. This would be the girl for you.
However, you shouldn't count on this girl putting up
much of a fight. She's full of theatrics and loves to feel as if she's drowning in your physical comforts, but that's about as much involvement as you're going to see from her. As long as you're kosher with always being the initiator when it comes to the horizontal mambo, you should be free of the desire to throw yourself in front of any silver bullets.
Psycho on the (Indoor Tanning) Barbie
Popular selections for this category: AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, UNDERWORLD (if she even slightly whimpers at the sight of Scott Speedman, you're done for), SILVER BULLET, THE HOWLING
Braaaaaaains. And other body parts. This is a girl who will devour you alive if you're slow on your game. Generally the best bet if you're looking for a chick who's willing to get dirty, after all, Zombies usually are covered with muck after crawling out from their graves. When a girl becomes undead, apparently she starts looking to appease her intense hunger for flesh. This girl not only likes sex, she feeds off of it.
In fact, there might come a point where you begin to feel like nothing more than a meal with a pulse. She's free of strong romantic attachments and is looking to satisfy her baser instincts. Sex with a Zombie girl is best defined as one would define a zombie: mindless. There are positives and negatives to this, you've just got to decide which is what to you.
Popular selections for this category: LAND OF/DAWN OF/RETURN OF/NIGHT OF THE (LIVING) DEAD, in fact, anything that includes the term "dead" in it or was directed by George Romero, 28 DAYS LATER, PET SEMATARY, anything that contains the word "zombie" in it
Serial Killer/Slasher Flick:
Honestly, this one should be a dead give away. She's that sweet looking girl that you met sipping an iced something or other, flipping through some silly tabloid while taking up space at the local bookstore. She giggles at all of your jokes, touches you on the arm when she's listening to you talk and seems like the living embodiment of every cute chick that you've ever lusted over from every TV show or movie that you were addicted to.
She starts out equally sweet in bed. Too shy to get totally naked the first time, pretends as if you're tickling her when you kiss her more tender parts. Then after a few weeks you spy a pair of handcuffs on the bed stand. Then demands to do things harder, stick things where you wouldn't think they'd go and generally make you feel the need to soothe yourself by hugging your knees to your chest, rocking back and forth in the bottom of your shower. Oh, and don't bother breaking up with her. You've now earned yourself your first bona fide stalker. Congrats!
Popular selections for this category: any of the HALLOWEEN movies, any of the FRIDAY THE 13TH movies, any of the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET movies, any of the SAW movies, if the killer keeps coming back from the dead to haunt/murder/torture, bingo!
B-Movie/Low Budget/Cult Classic Flick:
Forget flowers. Throw out chocolates. Oh, and diamonds? Might as well cut off your foot like the little boy who lost his finding that pointlessly expensive and coveted trinket. This girl just isn't impressed by the standard institution that is romance. She's looking for a unique angle on things. The more creative you can get, both in bed and out, the bigger reaction you'll get from her. And if you can manage to impress her, she'll become your biggest fan. B-Girls are serious addicts when it comes to what they like.
Best news is that these are the girls who give as good as they get. Equally creative and expressive about that creativity, you'll never be bored in bed with them. They know how to match your mood, whether that's fanciful or freaky. They're confident, charming, intelligent and funny.....aaaand you probably have guessed by now that I'm a girl from this category.
Popular selections for this category: If you've never heard of the title before and she tells you that she owns a copy of it on VHS and has been maniacally petitioning online for it to get released on DVD, I'd say you found yourself a winner. If it's got Lloyd Kaufman's name on it anywhere, that's another give-away. Troma, check. Bruce Campbell's in it?
But... I thought you were looking to get dirty!
Asian horror flick:
Most Asian flicks (predominantly Korean these days) fall under the Paranormal/Supernatural category, so everything that applied there applies here as well. If you've got the ability to speak in a foreign language or have a really cool accent that makes your English practically indecipherable, you're golden. Expect lots of nervous giggling and reluctance to get freaky from these types as well.
Popular selections for this category: JU-ON, AUDITION, A TALE OF TWO SISTERS, THE HOST, RINGU, anything with a title in a different language, especially if she refers to it with that title and not the English translation.
Remake of a Popular Asian Horror Flick:
Insipid. Characterless. Drudging. Tiresome. Monotonous. Vapid. Unvaried. Spiritless. All of those words are synonyms for "boring," although I doubt that a chick who prefers remakes would be able to figure that out. This chick isn't just deficient in the imagination department. I don't think she was even born with one. That doesn't just equal boring sex in bed, oh no. That could very well equal that she's got little to no interest in sex to begin with.
I'm being harsh, I know. But I live and breathe movies to the extent of being on the opposite end of the spectrum of this chick. I've yet to meet a girl who thought Sarah Michelle Gellar was the best horror actress ever and managed to have a sexual drive that registered above a flatline. I'm not completely condemning remakes. I'm just pointing out that you can't love a remake if you haven't at least watched the original. And if you still prefer the remake... eek. That's the scariest thing that's gone through my mind this year.
Popular selections for this category: THE GRUDGE, THE RING, DARK WATER, PULSE
If a black and white movie scares your girl, welcome to the world of intellect. I've found that a girl who prefers classic horror movies very rarely indulges in watching recent fare, finding that most don't compare to reading a good book. The great part about an intelligent girl is that you end up being engaged on more than just the physical level, even when it comes down to the bumping uglies hour.
If you're a ravenously sexual being, you might want to take a pass on this chick. While she's not above getting her knickers in a scintillating twist on occasion, it is just that: on occasion. Sex is on her menu, but it's always going to be more of an appetizer to her other, more entree-like, interests.
Popular selections from this category: NOSFERATU, DRACULA, FRANKENSTEIN, anything with Lon Chaney, Bela Lugosi, or Vincent Price in it
Comedic Horror Flick:
Now, this is where it starts to get tricky. See, if she lists ONCE BITTEN as being a favorite horror flick, I would worry. Anything that's angled more on the comedy and less on the blood and gore starts to make everything confusing. If she says that she loves SHAUN OF THE DEAD best, that's a movie which manages to be equally funny while retaining a firm grip on a slippery handful of intestines. Plus it showcases just what good taste she has.
A girl who has a skewed belief on what's scary can equal a whole mixture of sexual dysfunctions. I'm going to assume that you'd prefer to not get saddled with some stupid nickname for your phallus or be told that she doesn't engage in certain acts because they're "icky." If your girl can't come up with a decent choice of favorite horror flick, I'd tread lightly and be wary of psychological pot holes along the way.
I mean, there's only one thing in this universe that's worse than a chick who can't pick her favorite horror flick.
The one who says she doesn't like horror movies.
I know you don't want me to go into the horror that that chick would put you through between the sheets.
Happy Halloweiner, y'all.Think of me the next time you're watching a horror movie. Or in the sack. Or both. Don't forget that if you sign up at Digg.com you can show this article some love and leave me comments on it as well.
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