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The Top Ten Films I Have Not Seen
by Xavier Jones-Barlow

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Gandhi. Nutter.

Gandhi. Nutter.
I feel like I may be lining myself up for a potential flogging or something. It is true however, you may find it a little incredulous, but I have not seen every film ever made. Recently, while scanning one of those 'top film ever' lists it occurred to me that there are indeed a few films that despite my best intentions have slipped through the proverbial net. Hold your collective breaths girls and boys, you are about to be shocked.

10. Rosemary's Baby
Somebody once told me that if you have seen AN ASTRONAUTS WIFE then you really don't need to watch this. As time has gone by I am starting to suspect that I have been mis-led. The really peculiar thing about me not having seen this film is that I actually own a copy of this. Somewhere. A couple of years ago a Sunday newspaper was giving out copies for free, as a natural horder of stuff I stashed the disc in an unmarked box. I'm sure I will get round to watching it at some point.

9. Superbad
You pesky North Americans! Getting the majority of all the films released before we do. ? Ok, Ok it has been out for a month now, I just have not got round to seeing it yet. All the lame excuses in the world cannot hide the fact that lots of people like it. The (to date) nine Matchflicks reviews all say it is very funny, and I respect all your opinions. I should just stop moaning really.

8. Gandhi
Some of the films on this list are here for very specific reasons. I remember when I was much younger and this film was on television. A family member, who shall
I feel the shame building.

I feel the shame building.
remain unnamed, proclaimed that this was a film 'about a guy who was not quite Jesus'. That did not give me much imputes to watch it to be honest. Now I feel that I would struggle to sit through this, as I have become accustomed to seeing Sir Kingsley portraying complete nutters.

7. 8 1/2
Just to avoid any confusion, the film is called 'Eight-and-a-half'. This keeps cropping up all over the place. I am getting a little sick of people telling me that I would love this film. Apparently I, that is, me very specifically, would really enjoy this. It could just be me but I do feel like everybody takes great pleasure in revelling in the fact that I have yet to see it. Out of spite I have made no attempt to even put it on my rental list.

6. Princess Mononoke
Apparently it's amazing. Looks just like another one of those cartoons to me. Out of all the films on this list this is the one that I am more likely to see first. Plenty of friends own it and I have received plenty of threats of a forced watching. Can't wait.

5. Cool Hand Luke
I know. I know! It is starting to get offensive. I have actually watched this. But through no fault of my own I don't remember a single minute of it. This film is one of those movies that almost everybody adores, but no-one actually owns. And it is never on TV. As of fifteen seconds ago it is on my rental list.

4. Some Like It Hot
Honestly. I cannot for the life of me give any reasonable explanation as to why I have yet to see this. It simply makes no sense. I
'I was clean shaven the day I started watching these films'

'I was clean shaven the day I started watching these films'
will accept any punishment that is coming my way gratefully, humbly and with no complaint.

3. Metropolis
Again, I am holding my hands up meekly and with much embarrassment. The shame.

2. LOTR Return Of The King
This is a different story. On this I am strictly on the 'Randall' side of the fence. I saw FELLOWSHIP at the cinema and nearly had to have a buttock amputated. I had to split TWO TOWERS into two smaller, more easily digestible portions. Even then I was bored silly. I have been told that this is the best segment, but I will need more convincing. I am in no hurry whatsoever to watch this; in fact, since the ending is obvious I dare say this could be the one film on this list that I may never see.

1. Schindler's List
For three years I owned the Special Edition, Fancy-cased, extra gubbins DVD. But, it was so special I was genuinely scared to take it out of its very nice box. I am also aware that this is not exactly the happiest film in the world; I always felt that I had to be in a very specific state emotionally to watch this. The day has yet to come. Unfortunately I sold my copy a few years back for beer money.

I actually feel quite proud of myself that I can admit to my failings. Y'see now I can do something about them. Right, be honest. Hands up how many of you have not seen FIGHT CLUB. Or SHAUN OF THE DEAD. Or indeed any other film I consider a classic. I'm up for making up for my mistakes, are you?

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Xavier's Book Club
Every other Saturday

Xavier analyses film, literary. A bizarre melding of books and movies.

Other Columns
Other columns by Xavier Jones-Barlow:

My Month As A Teenage Girl

Mr Jones and the Shame of the Spolier Scolls

Fragment: Consider Revising.

Proof Reading The Movies #1

The Cinematic Chicken And The Literary Egg

All Columns

Xavier Jones-Barlow
Xavier lives in Scotland where it is very cold. He spends his time writing about live bands and people dreamt up in his bizarre imagination. Quite huggable .

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Xavier Jones-Barlow by clicking here.

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