You're only dreamy if you can sit, watch and read for 133 minutes. |
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You've had it happen, right? You meet someone, they seem so fun, and you're just about to embark on a fantastic foray into geekdom, when oop "MEMENTO pfft that movie didn't make any damned sense."
These unexpected slugs to the gut make life much less enjoyable than it should be. Worse, all these dashed hopes and pulverized conversations can make for seriously embittered souls.... And we certainly don't want that to happen. So, in an effort to minimize prolonged exposure to persons with lousy and/or not a shred of good taste in cinema, I composed the following lists. Feel free to print them out, then whip them out, whenever necessary.
"If You and I are to be Friends, You're Going to Have to Sit Through These a Hundred Times"
Let's gut this gal right off: Some people are of the mind that a movie should only be viewed once (maybe twice, if the film is about a war). Therefore, the first obstacle in separating the losers who do things with their time other than watch films, and the enjoyable sorts who will watch a single film a hundred times, is, eh, in separating the first group from the second. Without further adieu...
- THE PRINCESS BRIDE: "Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya you killed my father. Prepare to die!" Some studies indicate "Happy Birthday" to be the song most frequently sang. "Happy Birthday" better be glad the Inigo Montoya line wasn't delivered in sing-song, otherwise, The Five Fingered Man's unlikely nemesis would be mopping up some pointy-hatted partygoers. Especially at my parties. If I had them.
- NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD: It doesn't matter that Ben's character wasn't conceived as a black man Duane Jones just happened to be the best for the part that ending is nothing short of brilliant. Every time. Even if it's three in the morning, I'm falling asleep where I stand, was just about to turn off the television, when I came across an edited-to-ribbons NOTLD with only twenty minutes remaining. Every time.
- SHAUN OF THE DEAD: Why do guys always pick the whiners? I wouldn't bitch and bellyache about going to The Winchester. As a matter of fact, I wish the powers that be would construct one near me and not just as a zombie fallout shelter.
- GRINDHOUSE: What Freddy Rodrνguez did to asphalt on his mini-bike is nothing compared to what he, an always scrumptious Naveen Andrews and a diabolical Kurt Russell are going to do to my dvd player.
"Movies I Love and YOU'D Better Love, or We're Going to Have Problems"
So launches "Criteria Movies" films that will test a watcher's mettle.
- DELLAMORTE DELLAMORE (CEMETARY MAN): Ahh now here's a Criteria Movie. Hatch this little test upon an up-and-coming friend/suitor when they least expect it. If they don't have an instant, workable theory of why Dellamorte's love appears three times, nor why the ending is as it is, their brain isn't functioning at an optimal level. You are not going enjoy fruitful conversations with Dellamorte loathers. Hold out no hope. Snatch back their popcorn, and send them hauling to the short bus.
- MEMENTO: If a fellow (or chick, for that matter) can't follow a blissful, looping train, they need to get their own Pullman. Besides, examining cryptic tattoos is a fine excuse for ogling every inch of Guy Pearce's inviting body. Speaking of inviting bodies
- BATMAN BEGINS / THE MACHINIST / THE PRESTIGE: Christian Bale is as talented
Ah, those were the days -- Rupert in a towel, before we knew he was gay. |
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as the president is stranglesome. Why, oh, why, isn't the next BATMAN here, already? I need to see the next chapter future friends should fully empathize with this screaming desire. They should also cringe and rave, in equal measure, at THE MACHINIST, and have felt their jaw smack the floor upon conclusion of THE PRESTIGE and then raced right out, and saw it again.
- EVIL DEAD 2: Comedy true wit (A Farewell to Arms?!) blood, and Bruce Campbell, and evil woods, and possession (some would say zombies, but they would be mistaken), and more blood, and a wicked zoom lens, and, and... and if anyone doesn't immediately salute the unbridled mastery that is EVIL DEAD 2, they need to go home. If you're a male person, who brought a female person home to view this gem, and she doesn't like it, you shouldn't even drive her home. She can use the walk to reflect upon her poor cinematic instincts.
- A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT: A fine Jean-Pierre Jeunet entry. Where AMELIE had double helpings of fun and heart, A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT has that, and oh, so much more. A marvelous story sweeps the viewer in any laughing, gasping, or sniffles that occur are done with the characters. Trick is, though, a requirement for feeling with the characters is a capacity to feel in the first place, i.e. being human. I contend, then, a single viewing of A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT is certain to weed out any androids, hobgoblins, pod people or action film junkies. As the title might suggest, it's also a longish movie, clocking two hours and thirteen minutes. Could-be friends must prove their ability to sit still for a couple of hours.
Criteria Point #3 of this film lies in the subtitles. This rule is a simple one: If a person is unwilling to read for 133 minutes, they are residing on a very different planet than me. They might seem to be standing beside me, but that is in appearance only. It's akin to the miracle of interplanetary holograms.
- DEAD/ALIVE (BRAINDEAD): Sadly, this is probably the most severe test of them all. There's just something about cretin zombie offspring, and inappropriate use of a lawn mower that turns people off. The Criteria here focuses mainly on a person's ability to "Get Into The Moment" so to speak. If they're not in-the-moment, they're going to miss the bizarre pleasure of Pequita gasping, "Your mother ate my dog!" The wonder of this film is truly in the details. Lionel's zombie armor, the tail sticking out of his mother's mouth, how adorable yet horrific the zombie baby is while, literally, rolling through the park all split seconds on the screen, but tasty morsels of eternal glee in a keen mind.
I would even be tempted to wax some poetic here: If a person is aghast at the gore, or Kiwi accents, they, clearly, fail to see the bigger picture (in this case, the inspiring tale of love). If someone has a tendency to hone in on a single undesirable detail, disregarding spades of fabulous ones, they're not going to listen to reason when you try to explain why the dog is allowed on the couch, how mud feels good between your toes, nor that little sips from the milk carton don't count. Their minds are closed. RUN.
"Movies You DO NOT Have in Your DVD Collection."
- CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST: I am not even going to consider playing patty-fingers with one of those wingnuts. Neither should you.
- Okay, so I'll have to allow for a bit of leeway in this
If they don't know what this is from, do not pass Go, do not give them $2. |
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category. After all, it's my collection that features OSCAR. *hangs head in shame. SHAME!*
"So, Here's How it Goes: I'm Going to Make References, and You're Going to Get Them."
... because, Lord knows, I can't hold a conversation without referencing a movie. It's become viable shorthand rather than being verbose, explaining every minutiae motivation, I can simply moan, "It's as if it's raining, and I know I shouldn't backtrack to the castle, but, there's a light." See? Snap off a short quote, and the scene is set unless, the person you're speaking to is less-than-cinematically-adept, in which case, you'll have to go into a convoluted explanation that could very well result in forgetting what you're speaking of in the first place.
- THE GOLDEN CHILD: If I say, "Sardo Numsie," in a dreadfully inept Eddie Murphy voice, you're going to laugh... and not just because the impression was so lousy.
- BETTER OFF DEAD: Same goes with, "Gee, Ricky, sorry I blew up your mom." Actually, if I'm having a particularly awful day, potential friends can just blurt that out, or pull up beside me in their car, making a racing announcer's voice and it'll make me feel like a fuzzy little kitten inside.
- BOTTLEROCKET: If I'm piteously mapping out a three month, or five year plan, chances are, I'm just being a Dignan. On purpose. Sometimes, it happens inadvertently but if you saw the movie, you'd be able to discern which is which.
- MOTEL HELL: "It Takes an Awful Lot of Critters to Make Farmer Vincent's Fritters." See, if I were to recite that after tasting your cooking, and you didn't get the reference, you'd suspect I was insulting your cooking. Whereas, if you got the reference, then you'd know I was insulting your cooking. Oh, too, the pig's head thing comes into play a lot.
- THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW: These are all givens. The magic, however, is in the frequency of viewing/quote retention. Why, just today, my mother asked me to hand her a hot dog from the fridge, which I slapped into her palm, while proclaiming, "You're... a... HOT DOG!" She didn't get it. Therefore, my mother is not going to be a potential suitor. Which, is a good thing but most of the time, it's not. You know, if it had been a Justin Theroux look-alike, it would have been very bad if that reference had gone unappreciated. Though, to be honest, in that situation, I might have overlooked it. For a few hours.
There are hordes more; however, I was just covering the bases. Sure, there's neither John Houston nor banned Gerard Depardieu films, but how often are those referenced, really? None mentioned are overly severe, nor scaring of psyche; all participants should be safe.
In summation, when in the face of detractors in your living room, be sure to stand firm. Don't become a shrinking violet to, "eh, that just wasn't for me" or "gosh, you watch some weird movies". Movies are easy. If a person cannot adequately wrap their noggin around a plot with a ninety minute running time, they are absolutely not going to entertain apologies if you should accidentally blow up their house and they're certainly not going to be any fun at the cinema, which is an even worse possibility.
So. Use the list.
Your life may depend on it.
(Oooh SCROOGED! Add that in there somewhere.)
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