That's a lot of evil. *shudder* |
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For far too long, a menace has scourged my beloved celluloid escapes, but no few have had the balls to speak out about it. I join those brave ranks today, my friends. People think they are cute because they are small and fuzzy, and twitch their little noses benignly, but I know they are really a cancer on all the things that I love and hold dear. I am speaking, of course, about rabbits. Don't believe me? I thought you wouldn't. That is exactly how they have been getting away with their vile needs for so many years.
Exhibit A: 1964's THE NASTY RABBIT. Although sometimes also known as SPIES A GO-GO, I think the original title sums the situation up much more succinctly. In this more than vaguely racist, propaganda spy movie, the Russian government attempts to perpetrate some biological warfare against the ol' Red, White and Blue through the use of some cockamamie plot contrivance referred to as the "pernacious bacteriological cylinder", which is set on a timer, yet for some reason has to be brought to a "magnetic area" at the continental divide. And can you guess what kind of animal's neck they choose to hang the cylinder on? That's right. A bunny rabbit. So cute that the American pig-dog capitalists would never suspect it of such Geneva Convention-breaking activities. Of course, the rabbit is much sought after, and is never out of anybody's sight, and indeed the "top Russian spy" (who is ten times more bungling than all of the other international bungling spies - the only spies that are not stereotypes and oafish are the Americans – yay Cold War films!) has a massive titty-attack when the rabbit is stolen from him. Which all leads to the question of why the rabbit was needed in the first place. But that doesn't excuse Mr. Bunny. Oh no. Not at all.
*special note* Even though she is listed as Melissa Morgan, true geeks will recognize that the character of Cecilia was played by b- and often z-movie veteran Liz Renay.
Exhibit B: 1972's NIGHT OF THE LEPUS. Astoundingly enough, this turd of the titular beast is based on a novel, The Year of the Angry Rabbit, by Russell Braddon. I have not gotten a hold of it yet, to see what foul bunny bile it spews, but trust me, I shall. Anyway, LEPUS is a film about farmers and scientists all working together towards a common goal of ridding themselves of a rabbit infestation, which is destroying the agricultural value of their land, through non-cruel methods. Such softening towards the enemy proves to be a fatal mistake. When Dr. Roy Bennett (well, he's some sort of doctor – no one ever says what kind) with the best of intentions injects a rabbit with some completely unknown and experimental serum, and subsequently his spoiled, snot-nosed daughter releases that rabbit to the wild, all hell breaks loose. The rabbit uses the weakness of the doctor's "humanity" and takes the opportunity to grow to mammoth proportions, and then infect his rabbit brethren, who likewise become mammoth killing machines. They proceed to go on a lengthy spree, making stops at all the dollhouses and miniature stages they can find, jumping on people and vomiting red poster paint onto their necks. It makes me ill just thinking about it. Trust no bunnies!
*special note* How could they destroy a movie with 
Why do wear that stupid man costume? |
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such a great cast? I mean, check it out: DeForest Kelly, Janet Leigh, Stuart Whitman, and Rory Calhoun. That's a heapin' helpin' of geek-movie-meat right there. Just more evidence of the damages these pernicious carrot-lovers are doing to the world of film.
Exhibit C: 1975's MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL. Yes, this is an international predicament. Not even this hilarious British comedy troupe were safe from those infernal lettuce-biters. In their quest for the golden chalice, King Arthur and his band of silly English ka-niggits come upon the lair of what they are assured is a ravenous monster, to be feared and not tampered with. Once they see that the beast is in fact a bunny rabbit, they breathe a sigh of relief and Arthur tells his men, and I quote, no, seriously, "Dispatch the rabbit." Can you imagine? This is akin to the teenager in a horror movie going to check out a strange noise outside alone. We all know it's a stupid thing to do, and we yell and scream at the screen, but alas, all of our good intentions are for naught. THE HOLY GRAIL is the first film to truly capture the terror of these obscene creatures. A white blur streaming through the air, tearing out the throats of all it can get its strong front teeth onto. I'm shuddering just thinking about it. Please, people: if someone warns you about a beastly bunny, take heed. Take heed!
Exhibit D: 1986's ONE CRAZY SUMMER. On the surface, Savage Steve Holland's follow-up to BETTER OFF DEAD seems like just so much comedic trifle. But I implore you to see the subtext present in so many of the scenes. I'm referring, of course, to the "cute and fuzzy bunnies." Hoops McCaan may seem like just a luckless young man, caught between the halcyon days of high school and the looming dread of college, trying to bust a nut on Demi Moore, but if you peer closer, and I know my readers are astute in this area, or else you wouldn't be my readers, you will see that he is really just a cipher for Holland to espouse his own fears of and resentment towards these despicable critters. Every time Hoops attempts to work through his problems artistically, via pen and sketchpad, the goddamn cute and fuzzy bunnies show up and destroy everything good and lovely. Sometimes murderously, and at least once with the aid of heavy duty firearms. It is a brave and brash move on Holland's part, but genius is never understood in its time. It wasn't taken seriously as art, and, ergo, not seriously as social commentary.
Exhibit E: Richard Kelly's moving and insightful DONNIE DARKO (2002). In the performance that put Jake Gyllenhaal on the cinematic map, and caused woman all over the world scurrying to the internet in the vain hope of learning to pronounce his tongue-twister of a name, poor, addle-minded Donnie finds himself unknowingly at the epicenter of a host of accidental and catalytic events: namely, that a wormhole in the space-time continuum opens, and he accidentally falls through it. Being the observant and sensitive fellow that he is, what sort of creature did Kelly decide would be the appropriate harbinger of doom for Donnie, the vessel through which he would be informed of his role in the misfiring of universal forces? As if I need to say it: a rabbit. A six-foot tall, decidedly 
One of our numbers stopped running today. |
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demonic looking rabbit (as if they could look any other way). Kelley takes a his cue from the precedent-setting work of Holland, but goes much further: his dread rabbit actually goes so far as to deliver to Donnie the exact time at which the world will end, down to the last second. It then becomes up to Donnie to find some way to unravel Frank the Rabbit's dastardly scheme. (well, I guess that last bit is somewhat disingenuous, but I can't explain it better than that without giving out spoilers, which my Matchflick Oath of Columnists precludes me from doing).
Exhibit F: In our final presentation before the prosecution rests, we have 2005's WALLACE AND GROMIT: CURSE OF THE WERE-RABBIT. Having been entertained by the adventures of inventor Wallace and his dog Gromit, and greatly at that, for many in years in a more safe manner, I was quite taken aback to see them attempting to scale such a formidable mountain as that of the, gulp, monster rabbit. But like any good rubber-necker at a car accident, I simply I had to witness the spectacle for myself. Harkening back to the foolishness of Dr. Bennett from NIGHT OF THE LEPUS, Wallace spends a goodly amount of time devising ways to safely capture and release rabbits. And like Dr. Bennett, he pays the price. Only a much higher one. One of the disgusting vermin that Wallace takes so much care with repays the kindly gent by stealing part of his persona, and indeed turning Wallace into a vegetable-crunching creature of the night. He stalks the moonlit moors, destroying the gardens and hopes and dreams of his neighbors. It is only through the love and compassion of his faithful canine companion that his soul is saved.
Lest I be considered harsh and unfair, I should play The Devil's Advocate and show something from the defense's point of view. For this endeavor, I will invoke the film adaptation of Richard Adams's first, and best, novel, WATERSHIP DOWN (1978). Given the monumental task of humanizing, as it were, these fur-covered entities, he tackles the problem with aplomb, and generally succeeds. It is a tale of a group of rabbits who disagree with their dictatorial governing and the Gestapo-like tactics employed by such's army, known as the Owsla, and strike out on their own. In a way, they are the heroes of the rabbit world. They eschew the values of their evil ancestry and merely want to find a place to call their own, to live in peace and raise their families. Along the way, much against my will, I found myself sympathizing with them, and even relating to a few of the characters. Shocking, I now. But what sets us apart from them is our ability to reason. The last thing I am trying to do is stir up some sort of angry posse against the alfalfa-lovers. Be open-minded, people, but also keep your shotgun loaded with rabbit-hide piercing shells.
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| Agent Provocateur |
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Eating the flesh of lesser film geeks since '72.
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| Zombie Boy |
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