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As I sit here listening to some Fratellis, trying to think up something to write about, I find myself thinking about how I rate the music that I listen to. I'm not someone to base my evaluation of music on how "good" or "bad" it is. I mainly categorize music based on what it allows me to feel. There are discs that I listen to when I'm depressed and wish to revel in my melancholy. There are discs that I listen to when I need a boost. There are songs that help me to get a good flow on my writing, pounding out something that normally might take me longer to accomplish than other things.
When I was a kid my mother never understood how I could sit in my room and get my homework done faster as long as I had Megadeth blasting. Hey - I never said I had "good" taste in music.
That's a bit of my point when it comes to rating movies. There seems to be an overwhelming number of people who prefer to have things spelled out for them rather than take the time to read or process any information. So everywhere you turn there are shortcuts making things even easier in a world that is far too packaged-for-your-convenience to begin with. Thumbs up, thumbs down, thumbs up your ass. Rating 1 to 10, tomatoes, stars, blowjobs... whatever. People very rarely seem to read the accompanying review anymore. Just give me a grade and let me decide whether or not it's worthy of my money.
Problem is, for some people a C grade might be better than what others intend it to mean. For me, rating something in the middle is far more telling than rating on the high or low end. In my personal opinion, indifference is one of the deadly sins. I'd much rather watch a movie that I loved or hated than one that couldn't move me to a particular emotion. So when you're glancing through my reviews and see 2-3 stars... take pause and worry.
Sure, you probably won't regret spending your money as much as you would have if you paid to see something that I rate poorly. As I've preached in the past, however, it's good to watch shitty stuff in order to really appreciate the stuff out there that's really good. So, that beaten horse aside, allow me to dial in a column and break down what exactly my star ratings mean.
1/2 - 1 1/2 Stars
Pure shit. Usually mind numbing and presumptuous that the audience is full of idiots who aren't going to notice that the movie is too stupid to know any better. I don't 
What a train wreck looks like with tits. |
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mind movies that are stupid if they're having fun with the fact that they're stupid. If you know that you don't have a large budget, if you know that your script sucks, if you know that your subject matter is asinine - great. Go with that. But don't sit there and expect me not to notice a steaming pile, taking yourself seriously throughout and getting like those assholes we know in life who have no clue how to take a joke. Kicking, screaming and demanding that people take you seriously is only going to put you in negative respect points.
There are times when a crappy movie might have one or two good things going for it. But that would mean that you'd have to read my review in order to figure out what those qualities are.
2-3 Stars
Not great, not bad, not much of anything. Most of the time, movies that fall within this rating for me are the ones that were so afraid of offending someone that they didn't bother taking any chances. They're like most major network television stations with their bland looking actors who aren't bad, aren't good, aren't ugly, aren't gorgeous, smile on cue, laugh when the time calls for it and use glycerin tears. I'd much rather watch someone really reach for a scene even if they end up looking really crappy while doing it. I happen to like seeing boogers drip off the end of a drama queen actress than someone who is too afraid to f*ck up their perfect make-up to emote more than a rock.
There are usually notes where I say why a movie in this rating range is "acceptable." I just don't happen to prefer "acceptable." Offend me. You might be surprised at my response.
3 1/2 - 4 1/2 Stars
Pretty decent to pretty damn good. These are the movies where there is a good heart behind them, well-placed and well-executed intentions, actors who give a crap but usually the studios paid more for them (or conversely, I've never heard of them before and they knocked off the socks of mine that I've already taken off). There is a good story, a good script, or good direction. These are the movies that I recommend watching in the theater if possible so that you can get the most out of the experience. See, if a movie is average to crappy, I would say that it's not going to hurt much if you skip the expensive ticket price. Seeing movies in the theater, when they're good, really can enhance their quality, but only if 
Holy Shit! When did I become a (real) girl?? |
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the movie is good to begin with. There's something redeeming when you're not the only person laughing at a joke or cringing at a scary scene.
Then again - there's also something deliciously satisfying to be the only person in a large audience who gets a joke. You're just not going to get that while sitting on your couch.
Generally when I find a movie within this rating, my reviews will be longer or just longer winded. A great deal of where I get this rating is whether or not I can relate to the characters. That earns big points in my book.
5 Stars
Much to the common rule of thought, this rating shouldn't be used all the time or none of the time. As far as I'm concerned, I can give low-quality and crappy movies 5 stars as well as giving legitimately fantastic movies 5 stars. All the top ranking means to me is that I got a lot out of it.
Sometimes that's a documentary that teaches me something that I didn't know about before, causing me to gasp and cover my mouth in surprise or horror.
Sometimes that's a comedy which is silly and stupid but makes me laugh regardless. Filled full of stereotypes and a typical story arc, yet resonating with something deep inside of me that causes me to love the piece of shit out of misplaced loyalty, well-placed nostalgia or oddly placed, um... whatever.
Dramas tend to get higher ratings than some of the other genres. Tears tend to equal a higher rating for me. With tits as big as mine, I just can't hide the fact that I'm a girl, sorry.
The star system on this site is my biggest gripe. Everyone has their own personal set of beliefs over what the stars mean. Couple that with the fact that people are going to rate movies based on emotions, recollections, nostalgia, or perhaps even a movie that they haven't seen in several years and have a fuzzy and ill-remembered opinion of. Oh, and let us not forget the fact that there are the lists on the main review page, where 10 names stay put for everyone visiting the site to see. That's when numbers start to get on my nerves.
When we're wanting people to pay attention to us and we find a way to get that done easier than putting in a great deal of effort, we're all over it. Kind of like some movies out there. Stupid humour, endings spelled out for us, naked chicks, All American blonde boys with their metrosexual looks.
Great. You all get 3 stars in my book.
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| Neglected Foster Child of Hollywood |
Every other Wednesday
Not-so-gentle musings from the girl who is saving room in her uterus for Tarantino's spawn.
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| AwesomeZara |
She's awesome, who would have guessed that?
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