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Wednesday Wishful Thinking
by Jeff Thiessen

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Makes E.T. look like God of War

Makes E.T. look like God of War
You may or may not know that one of my true loves over the course of my life has always been videogames. I've always maintained that when facing several hours of mind-numbing boredom, nothing can surpass the sheer efficiency of planting down on the couch and layin waste for big chunk of time in the name of whatever videogame you have decided upon. The verdict is in folks, videogames are our answer to the perpetual search of life. Why search for love and happiness when you can find everything you need trying to topple Devil May Cry 3 on its most extreme difficulty?

Having said that, I do love cinema as well. Well I do in spurts. I have my favorites, and there's always usually one-two enjoyable/spectacular movies in the theater at any given time. I'm not incredibly tough to please with movies. I do my research, so I only see movies I have a fairly decent chance of not hating a movie going into it. Therein lays the problem.

This won't be a long column. I don't have a lot of points to run over, I basically just want to bring a frustrating topic to the surface and see if I'm alone in my thoughts. Ummmmm, here's my problem, and then I'll shut up: why is it so incomprehensible to make a really great videogame based on a movie? I am so clueless here I can almost hear my gray matter rolling around like stale shit in a tin can. It's just makes no sense, and here's why.

The main demographic behind a movie like say, SPIDERMAN 3, is the most likely the same
Email me if you remember this pathetic piece of shit

Email me if you remember this pathetic piece of shit
kind of dudes that share my same outlook on videogames posing as a valid form of self-discovery. So, when you decide to capitalize on a movie's immense popularity and release a videogame with its name on the front, you're in a pretty cushy position. Cushy, because even if you release absolute shlock, there will still be a large number of people waiting in line to help you at least break even. But man, think about how much ground they could break if they decided to actually think ahead and release an absolutely bonecrushing game based on a blockbuster movie? There'd be no stopping it.

This all goes back to E.T., the Extra Terrestial for Atari 2600. This game is generally considered the worst in gaming history, and it's basically due to the fact that the game was jammed out in such a rush, there were parts of the game that were literally unfinished, or at least so crude in nature, they appear like they weren't even worked on. It was a blatant attempt to cash in on the huge movie, but the fans saw through it. The game was such a bomb, that millions of copies had to be dumped in a landfill located in New Mexico. The people figured it out then, why can't they now?

The list is just huge for games that had the potential to be huge, based on affection for the characters, story, and just its legacy alone. Incidentally, the list is just as big for the games that have epically tanked. It's at the point now, where I'm so certain a game based on a movie will shit
A true pioneer

A true pioneer
the bed, I don't even consult the reviews for them, like I do for most big games that come out. It still never gets less frustrating though, because the studio's always advertise the fuck of these games, so I still have to see the aesthetically appealing commercials, but I know the bitter truth. They're going to suck, but they don't to! The hard part is already done for them! Plot, characters, action sequences.....all done already, all they really have to do is plan a little ahead and put some time in for the gameplay, that's it!

Games based on SHREK 3 and HAPPY FEET.....whatever, I could really give a shit, because you could design the coolest game in the world, but if it's based on a minimal movie like those, it's not going to be able to do anything anyways. A game like SPIDERMAN 3 on the other land, conceivably has the sky has the limit. Multiple epic villains, a hero with insanely cool powers, killer story, like I'm not asking too much here. TAKE SOME TIME OUT OF YOUR DAY AND GIVE US THAT ONE MINDBLOWING MOVIE-GAME WE ALL WANT AND GODDAMNIT, DESERVE. The Revenge of the Sith game, Spiderman 3, At World's End, Evil Dead:Fistful of Broomstick: these could all have been cool as shit, instead we have coasters.

You get it yet? If you sense a resigned mood on my part, then you're pretty sharp. This is not a call-to-arms, more of a plea for a support group, because I'm quite certain my appeals will always fall on deaf ears. At least we have each other now.

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Every other Wednesday

Raging Against the Machine: Film musings from a Canadian who can do a Rubik's cube much faster then you can.


Other Columns
Other columns by Jeff Thiessen:

Hell is Chrome

Searching With One Eye Closed

He's a Mighty Good Leader

Paging Dr.Octagon....

Your Pretty Trilogy is Going Straight to Hell

All Columns


Jeff Thiessen
Jeff is a columnist who lives in Saskatchewan, and if you can't pronounce that properly, he'd prefer you not read anything he writes.


Contact
If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Jeff Thiessen by clicking here.


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