Repeat After Me: "BOO! HISS!!" |
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Romantic movies. Sometimes with comedic elements. Sometimes with the tragic dramatic angle. Most often referred to simply as "chick flicks." Men have a Pavlovian response of feeling their nuts crawl up into their lower abdomen when hearing their potential horizontal mambo partner declare that she wants to go see one of these flicks.
What's he to do? Sit through it and hope that if he laughs and sniffles in the right moments it will translate into steam between his bed sheets? The only joke bigger than most "chick flicks" is that men assume that all women like these movies and that if they can feign interest in them, they'll get lucky.
Enter your resident fangirl. I'm here to tell you that not all women are down with these particular movies. Not all of us are living in a Julia Roberts dreamworld where our knight in shining armor is just a Ferrari away from rescuing us from a life on the streets. Not all of us believe for a second that you're going to pine over us for seven years, remodeling an old home in the hopes that we'll come share it with you.
In fact, while most women have been conditioned to believe that the motives of the pansy ass Noah in THE NOTEBOOK are simply dreamy... in reality, if a man was to obsess for that long and go to those kinds of lengths over us, he'd be getting served a restraining order and not a piece of hair pie.
One of the most difficult things for me to swallow is the fact that I'm not impervious to the charms of a good romantic flick. However, allow me to place a heavy emphasis on the "good" portion of that statement. I don't need to see someone ride up on a horse and save a damsel in distress. I don't need to see unearthly devotion. I might have played with Barbies when I was growing up, but I liked Captain Hook better than any of the Disney Princesses.
A romantic movie doesn't have to suck. It doesn't have to be sappy and melodramatic in order to still showcase a damsel getting rescued. Take LIKE WATER FOR CHOCOLATE for example. A story of love unrequited, where the gentleman in question commits the emotional betrayal of marrying his beloved's sister in order to be close to her. It also features a wooden bath house which catches on fire and a third sister mounting a horse nude, riding off into the sunset with what appears to be her saviour.
The movie is indeed telenovela fodder, all made more evident by its filming in the native Spanish of the director and stars. While it maintains the themes that I previously stated were forbidden in good romantic movies, something about this works. There are ghosts, strange happenings involving culinary activities and most importantly, no happy ending. This is probably the biggest stretch of "chick flicks that don't suck for men," but I stand firm by its power based on the fact that the men in my life (heterosexual - natch!) who weren't in it for 
Back when the hair wasn't glued onto his head. |
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my pink parts conceded that it "wasn't all that bad."
My all time favorite movie is a strange tale that defies an easy description. Directed by Terry Gilliam, the man best known for some of the most bizarre cinematic offerings, THE FISHER KING goes from comedy to drama to historical parallel. There are several love stories at play here, all seemingly more tragic than the next. One man loses his wife in a murderous shooting spree. One woman sacrifices most of her dignity in the pursuit of love. Another woman finally discovers love, pure and true, only to have it immediately yanked away from her.
I can just sense the men cringing right now. Stop. This has a burning knight who tortures the hallucinations of a homeless man. A former popular radio DJ believes that he can earn back his previous life by doing right by the derelict. Finding his soul at the bottom of a bottle and the ample crease of his far-too-understanding girlfriend's cleavage, this is something that anyone who has suffered from moments of intense self-scrutiny can relate to. It's romantic and it doesn't suck.
Digging a little deeper, if you've got a girl with a strong stomach, it's not a far throw to get her to see the fantastic SHAUN OF THE DEAD as a romantic flick. Chock full of zombies and more screen time devoted to the love affair of leads Simon Pegg and Nick Frost in their co-dependent friendship, it IS possible to find the love. More importantly, this is one of the more realistic looks at what women have to deal with when it comes to loving a man with no grand aspirations in life.
When Liz gives Shaun his ultimatum, asserting that she can no longer tolerate his excessive buddy time, it's a scene that all women can relate to. Very few of us would ask for you to give up your friends or your personal time but we all require special moments between the two of us which amount to more than just hanging out.
If there's ever going to be a circumstance where a knight in shining armor isn't going to get turned down, it's in the light of zombies trying to tear down your door. To watch a man willing to risk his breathing privileges in order to save you (and his mum in the same trip) is sure to get our knickers solidly twisted up. We'll forgive just about any digression in exchange for not needing to eat human flesh for the rest of our undead existence.
It is possible to find a movie that is romantic and will cause a girl to get moist without boring the pants off of a guy. Movies that will feature a solid amount of female nudity and yet fly under the feminist radar of being "too explicit" to be properly enjoyed. Films such as VALLEY GIRL (a topless EG Daily, for those of you guys who might remember her as the cutey pie chick who worked in Pee Wee's bike shop) allow guys to gawk while girls can get bent out of shape over the punk rock Nic Cage fawning like most women 
Now if pimped out white trash shades aren't romantic, what is? |
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want to see the poor, hard luck guys fawn.
WILLOW, starring Val Kilmer at his prime, features plenty of surreal battle scenes for the guys while showcasing that familiar plot device of having a hard-nosed female won over by a joking rogue. Not classically thought of as being a romantic flick, it still will satisfy the same needs that a movie like DIRTY DANCING makes most men (and dutiful fangirls) choke on.
But probably the Taker of the Cake Award goes to a movie which contains the most obvious hint in its title. Think about a strange guy who works at a comic book store and watches kung-fu movies alone on his birthday. Think about him lucking out and meeting a girl in that movie theater, one who seems to appreciate his love of all things geeky. Make that girl a hooker who has a heart of gold lamay and give that guy an opportunity to ride his horse into the fiery den of the demonic pimp and you've got yourself a twisted saviour story happening. Put the lovers on the lam from the lawless, make that hooker a fierce chick who kicks ass and isn't afraid to get bloody or let her tits hang out and you've got more than just romance. You've got TRUE ROMANCE.
I've never been someone who was able to compromise well in a relationship. Yet the issue that gets brought up the least in my pairings is the dilemma over what film to see. I'll watch anything. Before you go getting excited and think I'm the girl for you, keep in mind that I'll watch just about anything and there's only one of me to go around. Most women are going to force you to see something that you're not going to want to see. The best that I can offer you is to offer up the movies I've suggested as a subtle compromise. One that doesn't appear to be so.
Girls, there's no need to keep funneling your dollars into crap that's all sunshine and roses. Take your pocketbook and drag your men to see bizarre tales. Try out a PUNCH DRUNK LOVE instead of a NOTTING HILL. You'll find that there's just as much devotion in a tale like that and that having a more realistic love story is far more satisfying than some ficticious load of bollocks that will just make you feel lousy for not being able to pull it off in your own life.
Fairy tales will always work out well in the end. There's no surprise to that. No challenge. As good as you claim that it makes you feel for those 90 minutes in the darkened theater, it's going to put a dent into your romantic life, the one you have to lead 24 hours a day. Might as well support the "chick flicks" where shit could actually happen. You know... like zombies surrounding the pub that you've barricaded yourself in. I guarantee you that's more likely to happen than getting a Ryan Gosling to show up on your doorstep let alone write you a letter a day.
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| Neglected Foster Child of Hollywood |
Every other Wednesday
Not-so-gentle musings from the girl who is saving room in her uterus for Tarantino's spawn.
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| AwesomeZara |
She's awesome, who would have guessed that?
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