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Your Pretty Trilogy is Going Straight to Hell
by Jeff Thiessen

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What if it was Four Stooges?

What if it was Four Stooges?
Pitchforkmedia had it right when they made the claim that the first three Stooges albums formed a perfect triptych. Every album stood on its own sullied, scabby feet, while still complimenting the other two. Which one is best is not for me to say, nor anyone, but it does go without saying that everyone has a favorite of the three, although it's not a raging, vehement selection. That is to say my favorite album of the three is Fun House, but if someone told me they preferred Raw Power, I wouldn't agree but I could certainly understand some of the reasons that propelled them to choose that album.

The only problem now is The Stooges went out and decided to release a brand spankin new studio album thirty years later. This record is so bad it almost defies description. It's like if you're at the dinner table with your parents, and your dad turns around and backhands your mom for no apparent reason. Despite this revolting display, the family attempts to resume their eating activities, even in the wake of the tremendously awkward silence. That's what the album sounds like. It's such a wretched album, but it's The Stooges! So you just sit there, and try and mind your own business, but it's impossible to disregard how quickly everything you once cherished have went up in a flurry of unabashed detachment.

You may or may not be a Stooges fan (although damnit, you really should try if you're not), but my guess is you're a movie buff, hence why you're reading the column, undoubtedly wondering when I'm going to talk about anything
I always thought it was Three Musketeers.  Who the hell is that guy?

I always thought it was Three Musketeers. Who the hell is that guy?
film-related, but dig this: that Stooges observation made me really see a numerical pattern in movies I should have seen a long, long time ago.

Three is God. Seriously, three is the magic number that none of us should dare question in the land of movies. Three is an unforgiving god that does allow single, double, or even triple entries (although that's flying pretty close to the sun), but it will chastise you to no end if you take a movie franchise past that number.

I have no interest in the upcoming Indiana Jones movie for a variety of reasons. Look, I own the trilogy ok? I adore it, but for the love of god, I detest the entire idea associated with the Indy IV. First, Harrison Ford IS too old for the part. Secondly, anytime a movie idea comes up first, and the script second (which went through enormous amounts of rewrites), you know it's just a forced design. Third, and most importantly, it's the fourth entry. I would give more reasons, but I don't want to exceed the 'three' limit.

STAR WARS. Great trilogy, now completely tainted by three prequels that by all accounts were overwhelmingly sterile and overblown. I don't know about you, but I prefer to play videogames, not watch them.

DIE HARD. I have not seen LIVE FREE OR DIE HAD as of yet, but due to basically the exact same reasons I listed above for Indy IV, I'd rather breakdance naked across Broadway then see this entry. Before GRINDHOUSE I did get to see the full length trailer and people were literally laughing at what was on the screen. It was so out of
Who knows, maybe they could have used a keyboardist?

Who knows, maybe they could have used a keyboardist?
control it made Vin Diesel's XXX look like BEFORE SUNRISE.

Can't we think of new ideas? Don't they see they're playing with fire here? Ok, I see their angle. You remove a lot of the difficult and creative aspects associated with a surprise hit, and still get to guarantee a shitload of money for the studio, based on the name alone, I GET IT. Maybe this is why I'll never be a businessman, because while I do understand their reasoning, I think the subsequent execution of the quick-buck shams masquerading as fourth entries in our already cherished trilogies, is downright putrid.

See, because we can't just see these new entries and obliterate them from our memories, thereby keeping the first three in their holy, pure state. Now anytime a discussion comes up regarding these movies, some asshole always has to say "Yeah they were awesome, but the new one sucks all kinds of ass". Come to think of it, he's just the messenger, but nobody likes the messenger, because in cases like this, there really doesn't even have to be one! If the three existed alone in their uncontaminated state, there wouldn't have to be an asshole in the group, an ominous figure that does offer disheartening but totally necessary reminders.

The LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy was ridiculous in every sense of the word, but Jackson and Co. did one thing right. They based the films on books, written by a dude who is now dead. Remember, three is sacred. There's a reason Bloody Mary will appear in the mirror of you say her name three times. Do so at your own peril.

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Every other Wednesday

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Other columns by Jeff Thiessen:

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Paging Dr.Octagon....

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Jeff Thiessen
Jeff is a columnist who lives in Saskatchewan, and if you can't pronounce that properly, he'd prefer you not read anything he writes.

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Jeff Thiessen by clicking here.

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