Have you ever noticed how positive Out of the Past is? How many times in any given article have I used the phrase "one of the greatest of all time"? I looked over the other nine editions of Out of the Past and, well, they reek of positivity. That's mostly because in entertainment, whether it be movies or music, I never really concentrate on the bad. I watch and listen to what I think is good, and I really couldn't care less about Nickelback or Ishtar(the first five minutes is actually hilarious). Yet, in an attempt to break the steady stream of happiness, I'm just going to list ten movies that I hated and complain about them. First, let me say this is not "The Ten Worst Movies Ever Made". I don't believe I've seen enough Steven Segal or John Travolta movies to be able to tackle that list.
Last House on the Left
I know some of you out there probably enjoyed this movie, but for me, this might be the worst movie I've ever seen. The acting is flat out atrocious, but it's a low budget production. I guess they couldn't afford Dustin Hoffman. What's even worse than the acting though is the horrible script. The story is about a group of teenagers who are kidnapped and murdered. The attackers accidentally stumble onto the house of the one of the murdered girl's parents. The parents learn of their daughter's death and take revenge. Okay, now that we know the story, when the girls are leaving the house for the last time they tell their parents they're going to see a band. Out of all the names for the band they could've picked what name was written into the script? BLOOD LUST! I guess I should also mention that during the killing scenes what kind of frightening music is played. Oh yeah, they played folk music during a horror movie. That really set the mood. This is an adaptation of Ingmar Bergman's The Virgin Spring. That's a great movie. Wes Craven was responsible for this turkey. I'm not surprised I hated it. I've never understood his appeal. I'll take John Carpenter any day.
War and Peace (1955)
Tolstoy's War and Peace has been called the greatest novel ever. Well, I wouldn't know because I've never read it. Yet, for a novel that is so revered I've never seen a really good movie adaptation of it. Russia put out a decent shot in the 1960's, but it was six hours long. Yet, I have to say the 1955 Hollywood offering felt longer. I first watched this movie when I was 12 and had a crush on Audrey Hepburn(kind of creepy considering she was dead at the time). So, needless to say, I had high hopes for this movie. I mean I had just gotten into classic movies, and along with my admiration for Audrey, Henry Fonda was also in the movie. How could it be bad? Well, first off, in 1955 Audrey Hepburn looked about fifteen. Seeing a fifty year old Henry Fonda hitting on her didn't really do it for me. Besides that awkwardness, the movie moves at a snail's pace, but that's to be expected. I mean, it's about a 17th century war in Russia(the Napoleon one). So, if you own the American Pie boxset this type of movie probably doesn't work for you. Only one director could've probably pulled off War and Peace, and that director was David Lean. Well, I guess I can't hold that against him. Ten years after this movie Lean made his own classic about Russia. King Vidor was no substitute. I love classic movies, but old doesn't equal classic.
Life or Something Like It
I said at 12 I had a crush Audrey Hepburn. Well, from about 16 to, well, now I've been of a "fan" of Angelina Jolie's. She's just so damn hot. Being so hot you would think she should would somehow stumble her way into a good movie. It hasn't really happened yet. Mr. and Mrs. Smith had it's moments and Playing by Heart was enjoyable, but not one movie I've seen her in would I call truly good. Maybe if she is indeed in Sin City 2(if that even happens) I will be eating my words. Hey, she's a good actress. Yet, she can't make a bad movie good. The toughest selection on the list was trying to pick which one of her movies to put on here. Originally I had picked Taking Lives, but Life of Something Like It sucked a little bit more. I'll say it again, Angelina Jolie is hot. She's hot as brunette. I love blondes, but not a blonde Angelina. Her hair is so bad that's it really distracting. You find yourself cringing at her hair rather than actually watching the scene. Ed Burns is her love interest and that didn't really work for me either. The guy's great at being annoying, but not as a leading man. Life or Something Like It was Angie's shot at the great romantic comedy. Sleepless in Seattle this is not.
The Manchurian Candidate (2004)
With the horrible string of remakes Hollywood is just pouring out these days I had to pick one. I could've picked Peter Jackson's boring version of King Kong or the horrible attempt at Hollywood being PC known as The Stepford Wives. Those two movies are remakes of really classic films, but at least I could see why those were remade. Making an updated version of a dated movie worked for Ocean's Eleven(I loved Twelve too). Now, I will agree that the original Manchurian Candidate has it's spots where it's age shows. Yet, it works because it came from the madness of the cold war. The fictional enemy wasn't some big corporation. It was an actual country. The 2004 Manchurian Candidate was that remake that you sit shaking your head at for two hours. Every thing they took from the 1960's film was done so poorly. The original had such style. Jonathan Demme must have checked style at the door on this one.
Baby the Rain Must Fall
I have a lot of movie stars that I like. Yet, Steve McQueen might just be my favorite. He's not called the king of cool by mistake. Steve McQueen was the man. He was the rich guy who robbed banks for fun, the prisoner who the Nazis couldn't break, a renegade cop etc. I even liked him as the musician who gets a girl pregnant in Love with the Proper Stranger. Hey, I'm sucker for a good romantic comedy though. Baby the Rain Must Fall is a drama about a man who can't grow up, but he must try because he has a family to take care of. It's mediocre all the way through. If middle of the road drama isn't bad enough, Steve McQueen sings. I think I've said enough.
Major League 2
If I'm to bash unnecessary remakes then I've got throw out the bad sequel. The first Major League is not a great movie, but it is a fun one. It's almost a poor man's Slap Shot. It's that forgotten genre, the foul-mouth sports movie. It's not the movie you own, but when it's on AMC you stop and watch it. Well, I don't think anyone watches the sequel. The original cast included Charlie Sheen, Tom Berenger and Wesley Snipes. In the sequel Omar Epps replaced Wesley Snipes. You know a movie's bad when even Wesley Snipes turns it down. The biggest mistake about the sequel is not the recasting though. The first film earned an R rating. It's what made the movie fun. Major League 2 was PG-13. There's nothing I hate more than wimping out. Major League 2 earns being called that special word. You know the one that starts with the letter after O and before Q in the alphabet. Major League 2 is in that great category of "PG-13 Sequels" such as Beverly Hills Cop 3 or Robocop 3. I pick Major League 2 because it got there one sequel sooner.
Hollywood Homicide
Harrison Ford is one of the great movie stars we've ever seen. He's a man's man, a classic leading man. He's your doctor, president, CIA agent, space fighter and an archeologist. So being an everyman, playing a cop should work out well for him. Actually it did, in Witness. Hollywood Homicide is a movie about an old cop teaming up with a young one to solve a gang land murder. Seeing Han Solo trying navigate the world of hip hop is almost sacrilegious. Not really to me, but I bet a few of those Star Wars fans punched their mom's tvs. Harrison Ford is a great actor and Josh Harnett can be good at times. The two together doesn't really rival Redford and Newman though. Just writing about this bomb makes me feel that Indiana Jones 4 can't come fast enough.
City by the Sea
Harrison Ford is a great actor. Robert De Niro is a better one. He's got as big of a list of great performances as anyone. I'd even put the Meet the Parents series on his list of great performances. No one else could play the threatening father better than Sam Rothstein himself. The problem is with the success of Meet the Parents and Analyze This De Niro has cheapened himself by doing movies that only Samuel L. Jackson would love. Robert De Niro has been going down the route that Jimmy Stewart went down in the 1960's. The great dramatic actor turning to parodies of himself for success. So, when De Niro does a drama I want to see it because it might be his last. City by the Sea is a drama about a cop who's son is accused of murder and the cop tries to prove his son's innocence. De Niro isn't by any means bad in this movie, but James Franco is as De Niro's son. What can you expect from an actor who's only passable acting has been being a spoiled little baby in Spiderman? My biggest complaint though is that the movie is just plain mediocre. Maybe it's that Scorsese wasn't behind the camera, but this isn't anything close to being memorable. De Niro's done a lot of crap in the last 10 years. I had to pick one movie.
War of the Worlds (2005)
Tom Cruise is as successful of a movie star as is possible. The guy makes money like no one else. He's even a good actor(yeah I said it). He's great when the role requires him to turn it up to ten, but conserving is not a word he knows. So when directing legend Steven Spielberg tried to do what he called "de-Tom Cruise" him for his role in War of the Worlds it was bound to fail. Movies about aliens starting a war with Earth have only one task. Have good special effects. War of the Worlds succeeds with flying colors. The alien ships, or tripods as they're called, are actually quite frightening. The problem was that the true king of Hollywood wanted his film to also be a study humanity. Tom Cruise is supposed to be a man just trying to keep his children alive. He doesn't have the ability as an actor to pull it off. Maybe Tom Hanks should've been tapped. I think the key to what Worlds needed was an actor who the audience could get behind. Audiences can get behind Cruise when he's that cocky pilot, or a cocky sports agent and even as a cocky lawyer, but as sympathetic father, I don't think so. I don't think I've ever said this, but I'd rather watch Independence Day.
Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Go ahead, hate me. Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy has some of the best special effects I've ever seen. Yet, I'm not one of those people who can be won over by special effects alone. When they're used with really true style like in Sin City or 300 I love it. The problem with the LOTR movies is if you're not in love with CGI, there's not much there for you. The acting is extremely wooden, but that's not what I disliked the most. Hey, I'm a guy who watches movies that are sometimes older than my grandparents, but Lord of the Rings is just too damn dorky for me. The entire idea of "The Battle of Middle-Earth" just makes me laugh. I know that's how it was in the books, but I'm not writing about books. The movies were a dork-fest that made Star Wars look cool. Don't worry though, Star Trek is still slightly higher on the lame scale. I can see why some people would like these movies, but I watched all three movies considering how hyped they were, but all I saw was wooden actors and characters. If I want to see an epic movie with good special effects I'll go see 300 again. It's 300 times better than the three LOTR movies combined.
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That's it my peeps. All 5 of you! I hope you enjoyed my complaints and grievances. I'll see you in two weeks. Avoid Angelina Jolie movies! Bye....
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| Out of the Past |
Every other Thursday
Discussing classic films from City Lights to Apocalypse
Now and everything in between and beyond.
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| Andy York |
Andy is a life long movie fanatic. The first movie he saw in the theater was Back to the Future, Part 2 at the age of 3 and he has loved movies ever since.
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