10. You watch films based solely on the fact that you find the actor/actress in them hot – This feeds into the basic stereotype of Hollywood-as-popularity contest. It's high school bullsh*t thinking. Whenever you buy a movie ticket, you're sending a message to the Hollywood bean-counters that this is a type of movie that makes money. So let's send a better message, please? Look, we all know that Jennifer Lopez and Matthew McConaughey are attractive people. But that's no excuse to watch THE WEDDING PLANNER.
Every time you watch a romantic comedy, God punches a baby.
9. You hate CGI based solely on the fact that it is CGI. – You know those people, specifically genre-geeks, who rail against the use of computer generated images in just about any movie which features them. The problem here is, they're not upset about CGI – they're upset about bad CGI. How many times have you heard someone complain about rod-removal? Never, that's now many times. But the same people who bitch and moan about a videogame-esque snake in a Sci-Fi Channel movie will happily plunk down $9 plus concessions for each of the LORD OF THE RINGS films, which I think might have had one or two actual sets and live actors in them. Somewhere. Maybe. New technologies are good things. Don't be mad at the tools, be mad at the tools who use them improperly.
8. You don't like "scary movies." – This type of filmgoer really pisses me off. I mean, goddess-forbid a movie make you feel something other than the sickly-saccharine-sweetness in the back of your throat of the average date movie. Cinema isn't supposed to be safe. It's supposed to confront you, to assault you on a basic, human level. They say that horror movies have their appeal in that they are like rehearsals for our own death; we can experience the thrill of violence and the images of our mortality without the consequence they would bring in real life. I am a big fan of films as entertainment, so I'm not saying every movie has to be a philosophical journey. What I'm saying is to not shy away from the viscera. I pity the fool who misses out on the incisive social commentary, genuine dramatic tension and outright wonderful filmmaking of 28 DAYS LATER simply due to a prejudice against "scary movies."
7. You actually prefer pan and scan (full screen) to letterboxing (widescreen). – Do I even need to explain this one? Sigh, okay. A movie screen is rectangular, and most television screens are square. Therefore, in order to make a movie "full screen" on a television set, the image is lopped off at the sides and pulled like taffy at the top and bottom. Whereas the widescreen version preserves the image in its original form, allowing you to see everything that was filmed. There are certainly instances where this might not matter much, but in most films there are at least two or three scenes in which you are losing information. The argument that a widescreen image not taking up all of the available space on your screen being tantamount to you somehow "losing" something is specious logic: you're getting a larger image with less of the actual movie in
it. This shows a basic lack of intelligence. Check the DVD you are about to purchase to make sure it is the widescreen version, and stop being so stupid.
Naughty Zombies Need Love, Too.
6. "Oh, I'll just wait for the DVD." – Going to the theater is an experience, and a glorious one. Huge sound, huge images, and huge concession prices (well, maybe that part sucks). You also get the added benefit of the trailers. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: if you're late for the trailers, you're late for the movie. Unfortunately, we're such a coddled culture today that it's somehow a personal affront to be expected to leave the couch. Why bother with the theater when you can just have images beamed directly into your home? No fuss, no muss, no icky human interaction. Maybe I'm just a man out of time, bitter about having missed the heyday of cinema as event. All I know is, the only way to preserve what little cinematic entertainment is still available to us is to put our asses in seats. Low ticket sales = more movies going direct to video = less movies to go see = the eventual demise of the silver screen. Don't let that happen. This is more a concern with smaller productions, of course. So go to the theater, and often, and always support the little guys.
5. If you do go to the theater, you bolt as soon as the credits roll. – Okay, so this might not have much to do with your taste in movies, but this is my column. You don't like it? Go get your own. This just really flabbergasts me. I'll spare you my geeky theory that these people worked hard on the movie, and deserve for you to at least take a cursory glance at their contribution, and instead explain to you that, like the full screen vs. widescreen debate, you're losing necessary information. Like the blurb at the end of AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON that says "Any relation to persons living, dead, or undead is purely coincidental." Or the fact that the two praying mantises in PAN'S LABYRINTH were named Cheech and Chong. Also, and this is a big one, lots of movies have extra stuff after the credits. An extra scene, alternate ending, or even a trailer for a sequel. Most of the time, I hang around because I want to see who did the various songs in the film. Either way, the credits are as much a part of the experience as the trailers.
4. You'll go see a film without having any idea that it is part of a series. - This is a true story, as much as I hate to relate it. The year was 1993, and I was over the moon about the release of ARMY OF DARKNESS. I was so jazzed to finally see a Raimi/Campbell joint in the theater that I could overlook the movie's ghastly mishandling, resulting in the decision against the film's original (and completely bad-ass) title, MEDIEVAL DEAD. But I digress. I had actually arrived at the theater with my then girlfriend and several other people before I figured out that not a damn one of them had any idea it was part three of a trilogy. I was in complete shock. I yelled at them, "What the hell are you doing here, then?!" Of course they had no idea why I was so
pissed. I'm not suggesting that you need to know all the minutiae of the film your going to see, but at least be slightly informed.
Aren't I a bright ray of sunshine?
Which brings me to:
3. You can't appreciate the beauty of the low-budget film. – I once again recall being very excited to see a movie in the theater, this time OPEN WATER. I had read a bit about it, seeing as how I base my desire to see films on knowledge of what they are about, versus merely the knowledge of when they are playing. So the film ended, and I had enjoyed it thoroughly, and was just settling in for my long end credits slumber, when a rather large, rather irate gentleman stood up and declared his hate for the film. "That sucked. It looked like it was made for $50. I want my goddamn money back." Let's ignore for a moment the fact that a) he obviously had no idea what the movie was before he sat his ass down to see it and b) that it had taken him the entire movie to figure out that he didn't like it, and examine how having a low-budget = being a bad movie. *thinks* Nope, I got nothing. A film is about what you bring to the screen, as opposed to what you can afford to put on the screen. I would rather see ketchup as blood and the world's worst matte painting of Paris in the background of a movie that wears its heart on its sleeve than an ultra-budgeted film with about as much soul as Screwtape.
2. You prefer dubbing to subtitles. – This one harkens back to the FS v. WS case: quite simply, a lack of intelligence. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard someone say, "I don't watch movies to have to read." I think I deserve some credit for not putting my size 12 Doc Marten up their asses. The fact is that your brain quite quickly syncs up the reading with the watching, and you barely even realize your doing it (unless you go see CHARLOTTE'S WEB, and the first show of the day is close-captioned, and the captioning is THIS GODDAMN BIG – um, what was I saying?). The two main issues with subtitles are as follows: a) You're going to get a wonky translation. Seriously, try it with a DVD. OLDBOY is a good example. Watch it with the dubbing for a few minutes, then watch the same scene with the subtitles. It's almost laughable. If it didn't piss me off so much. b) You're not getting all of the actor/actress's performances. You're getting some hired voice's ADR idea of how it should sound. It's a funny gag when watching old Kung Fu films, but when you're trying to watch more dramatic fare, it takes you out of the film.
1. You aren't me. – Sorry to be the one to break it to you. Someday I'll come in 6-packs, but for now you'll just have to stand in line to worship the one and only. So, the next time you are at the theater, and you see a man sitting by himself in the exact center of the theater, tossing popcorn into his mouth like it was his heart medicine and giving the finger to trailers for romantic comedies, come say hi: it's probably me.
*special thanks to Angela for images 1 and 2*
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Dec 23, 2011 7:44 PM
|10. I take it people who go see movies just because Bruce Campbell is in them are absolved from this admonition? |
9. "Don't be mad at the tools, be mad at the tools who use them improperly." Classic Zombie line.
8. This from the guy who defended Twilight-lovers???
7. Got nothing on this one. Agree completely.
5. Um, I'm tempted to say thanks for the suggestion. Sometimes I stay, sometimes I don't. Depends on the movie.
4. Zombie, sometimes you really do need to relax.
3, 2, 1. All good.
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