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Big Man on Campus
by Jeff Thiessen

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A gay joke? How edgy!

A gay joke? How edgy!
This won't be a long column. It won't be a particularly insightful one either. But sometimes in life you have to just scream until people start agreeing with you, or at least you're under the impression they are. I actually had some really terrific and encompassing ideas for today's column, but you know what, enough is enough! I can't sit idly by any longer, and watch this loser represent the pinnacle of comedy. Sorry folks, but I gotta talk about the utter shitiness that is Dane Cook.

He's not funny. This is not me stating an opinion, no I'm grouping that last statement up there with "The sky is blue" and "Earth is round" declarations. To be honest I hadn't seen his act until a few days ago. I heard a few quotes from Cook, as well as reading a couple interviews with him, and really was pretty disgusted by how marketable he is, and how he exploits it so viciously. Seriously, what the hell is a comedian doing on the cover of Men's Health?

"He's too pretty". "He's much too savvy of a self-promoter". It's these sorts of things that I criticized him for BEFORE I saw his bit, but I the problem was I lost a lot of credibility when it was revealed that I hadn't seen any of his dvd's. So I sucked it up, prepared to be wrong, and watched his performance on Insomniac. Seriously, how is this guy even qualified as a comedian? Dane Cook is a frat boy who knows how to run a website. I will actually try and do the Herculaen task of proving someone should not be considered funny by anybody with an IQ greater then a bowling pin.

First problem: His mannerisms and speech patterns are total ripoffs of Denis Leary's NO CURE FOR CANCER. Which isn't that big of a deal, since Leary ripped off Hicks anyways, but ripping off a comedian who already stole his act from a dead guy? Your frat house would be like, totally unimpressed dude.

Second problem: No self-deprecation.
Who cares about his jokes, look at that hair!

Who cares about his jokes, look at that hair!
Thinking my Men's Health qualm was a petty one? See, guys on the front of that magazine don't make fun of themselves. He's no exception.

Third problem: He makes up words. Wow that's cool!

Fourth problem: He talks about shit that clearly he has no idea about. Witness his bit about "the drunk guy at the party". This is a bit, that goes on ridiculously long, and he obviously has no frame of reference. I mean since when do drunk people talk to plants? Since when do drunk people stand up straight before passing out? Ok, I've passed out a lot, and seen people pass out a lot. Nobody has ever just been standing there and BAM....they collapse. Like, does he think that we don't know how the process goes? And he called passing out 'fainting', what the hell? What kind of frat boy is this? He's even worse.....he's a WANNABE frat asshole.

Fifth problem: Here's the one. He often has no point. I'm not just talking socially or culturally, many of his jokes are him just speaking in a different voice and expecting us to laugh. I mean cmon, Andrew Dice Clay didn't have much actual 'points' either, but at least he had the balls to express a viewpoint. Hey memo to all of you who find him funny, pondering if the big wheel on Price is Right is filled with blood.....that's not funny, it's just I don't know, stupid with no relevance to anything? Hey I can be like Dane Cook too! Check it out:

"You know what, I honestly believe that filling a stapler is the most difficult thing to accomplish in THE ENTIRE WORLD".

But you gotta imagine that said with gorgeous, pristine gelled hair, a loud exaggerated voice that bears no relation to the joke at hand, and designer jeans faded just the right amount. Those three things MAKE the joke. I would tell Dane not to steal the aforementioned joke, but I don't have that nice of hair and have no chance of making the cover of Men's Health.

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Jeff Thiessen
Jeff is a columnist who lives in Saskatchewan, and if you can't pronounce that properly, he'd prefer you not read anything he writes.

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Jeff Thiessen by clicking here.

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