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If You Wanna Find Hell With Me
by James Shafie

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See that guy in the bottom left with the 2x4?  That's Ben.  Kicking ass.

See that guy in the bottom left with the 2x4? That's Ben. Kicking ass.
Ahhh. Smell that kiddies, Satan in the air. Well actually it's just Febreeze's new scent: Lucifer and Lilac. But on this unholy day, we take what we can get. So, for this special and most evil of dates, I've decided to write a special column for all of you. If I were to face the Devil, and fight against the Dark One himself, which movie characters would I bring with me to stand by my side? Well, I have thought it over and chosen six. Six who I think could not only step up to the challenge, but beat Satan to a pulp. They are:

Ben is a natural leader. In George Romero's opus, he took charge and kept his cool. When everyone else around him were either panicking or fighting, he did what needed to be done. He not only got everyone together out of harms way (kinda), he built a shelter, planned and escape and tried to keep everyone sane. If faced with a challenge, Ben will try to overcome it.

Predator from the PREDATOR movies.
I have had the "Alien vs. Predator" argument many times
Beautiful.  On the INSIDE.

Beautiful. On the INSIDE.
with friends, and I always stick with the extraterrestrial hunter extraordinaire. He kills for sport, and he kills well. The Predator faced Arnold, Jesse Ventura, Gary Busey and Danny Glover. C'mon now. His adaptability is fantastic (PREDATOR 2 anyone?), he can fight both hand-to-hand and from afar and his highly intelligent. Plus he can turn invisible, which is always good in a bind.

GWAR from their self-created movies.
Now, I can hear you already, "GWAR's a band!" Yes they are, BUT they did make movies. Actual ones, not just music videos. They are god-like alien creatures who were trapped in Antarctica (Until all the hairspray from the 80's created the hole in the ozone layer and allowed the sun to melt their icy prison), who have their own weapons (and crack addicted genitalia) and play heavy metal! Of COURSE I'm bringing them.

The Thing from THE THING
This alien can become anything it is near. In John Carpenter's film, it became a dog, a human and pretty much killed everyone. So why can't it became a
Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.

"Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun."
replica of Satan itself? Fight fire with fire right? There is a question of whether it would comply and be part of the team. Well, I think it's a risk I'd have to take. It's a strong ally to have something that can become anything.

Kakihara from ICHI THE KILLER
This Yakuza assassin is perfect for getting the group's energy going. With his love for violence and his fierce execution of it, he could think of great ways to hurt Lucifer. And he wouldn't mind the pain given to him, hell this guy cut off his own tongue to make amends with another Yakuza member.

And last but not least, Ash from the EVIL DEAD SERIES.
Ash will destroy you. Ash will make bad jokes while destroying you. Ash will take your woman, make love to her, eat a sandwich and then destroy you. He has a chainsaw for an arm and a Boomstick. 'Nuff said.

Honorable Mentions:
Snake Plissken from ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK/L.A.
Derek Bliss (Jon Bon Jovi) from VAMPIRES: LOS MUERTOS (I'd run in fear!)

Happy 6/6/6 everyone!

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The Lair of the Mad
Every other Tuesday

'The Lair' discusses the many aspects and qualities of the horror genre. From actors, to make-up, to music, James Shafie explores everything the "cult" genre spews up.

Other Columns
Other columns by James Shafie:

Speaking Out

Yearn For Change

Queen of Night

Too Close Enough To Touch

The Time of the Beasts

All Columns

James Shafie
James Shafie is an avid watcher of movies of all sorts, but the horror genre is closest to his heart. He loves to read and is addicted to music, mostly metal and itís thousands of sub-genres. He was once fired by Blockbuster, which we see as a strong character trait.

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to James Shafie by clicking here.

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